Is he flirting with intent, or just for fun?

[theentertainer]

I've kept in touch with a former coworker who used to flirt a little. There's a large age gap but he's a nice guy & good-looking; I'm flattered. We've had drinks 3 times in the past 2 years & sometimes see each other at my old workplace. He's married with kids, so I'm not acting on anything!

However, his behaviour is increasingly forward. He:
said that he'd joked to his wife that he was meeting his girlfriend
bought me drinks
asked if I had a boyfriend & about my "type"
said I was attractive
made jokes of a sexual nature (about not wearing underwear, asked if I had a vibrator)
joked we were having an affair
mentioned songs with seemingly suggestive lyrics
tried to hold eye contact
offered to drive me to my car

I didn’t encourage him, or actively discourage him but I WON'T engage in an affair with him. I'm just unsure of whether I can see him without leading him on! Any thoughts?

Damn word limit - ask if you want more details!

[basilandthyme]

I'm not sure what you're asking.....are you trying to find out if you can be 'just friends' with him? If so, the answer is 'no'. He's clearly in the market for a mistress and you're his current target.

Next time he says something like this, cooly ask him how his wife feels about his inappropriate behaviour.

[TablesandChairs]

There was a guy at my work who acted similarly towards me. I guess because I can take a joke and am not easily offended, he felt like it was okay. So, I did what it my mind was the right thing to do - I asked him if his wife would like the way he talked to me because I sure as hell would have a problem if my partner talked to women in that way.

At the end of the day, it's disrespectful to you both; to his wife and to you because ultimately, he's a married man so the only thing he wants to get out of you is sex or some sex-related talk so he can get his jollies and pat himself on the back, thinking 'I've still got it!'.

[Vertigo]

I'd lay off it, maybe offer to meet his wife?

[theentertainer]

I'd lay off it, maybe offer to meet his wife?

Good suggestion, though I've actually met his wife two or three times and even been to their house once. The latter was a bit weird though. He'd told me to come by and pick up some books, and when I got there, his whole family was there celebrating his daughter's birthday. He let his wife do all the talking and only when he walked me to my car did he even really say hello properly!

[Vertigo]

In that case, if he's STILL being flirtatious (and yes I'd construe those things as flirtatious) I would either:

A) Cut complete contact with him (doubt you want to do that & understandably.. easier said than done)
OR
B) Cancel on him a few times, claim you're busy. See him less. He might get the message. And when you do eventually meet up - YOU decide the venue. You decide the conversation. Don't let him take control of the situation and do his inappropriate thing, ask him about his wife, how his kids are doing. Talk about work, de-sexualise yourself in his eyes and show that you will in no way let him lead you down the road of being "the other woman". You're better than that.

Take control of the situation =)

[theentertainer]

Good advice, though your option A is easier said than done!

Your option B is a happy medium. I've started to do this already, so you've verified my actions! We don't see each other much as it is and now I suspect we won't for a while (there are no 'reasons' to, until October.) Anyway, last week I knew I was going to his workplace for a meeting (with someone else.) I emailed him and asked if he'd be around so I could pop by his office and say hi, and suggested that if he was free, we could get a drink somewhere nearby after work. He didn't respond. I was annoyed and a little surprised - I'd thought that he'd be past that. After my meeting I went to say hello to a few others. I chose not to go and see him. I think he saw me but he didn't say hi either. So I was confused about that, given the extent of his previous flirtations. I was kinda proud of myself for not going to see him though! I felt like I "showed" him, as immature as that sounds!

[Vertigo]

I think you were right not to see him - so good on you

However, from reading that (and also the fact that this has been on your mind enough to post it here) suggests that you see him as a bit more than a friend / have a tiny something for him. And I suggest you rid those feelings. You did the right thing and apparently he did the right thing too with no speaking to each other/going for drinks so you're on the right track. In the meantime, keep looking out for other (non married/not-a-dad) men!

[theentertainer]

I think you were right not to see him - so good on you

However, from reading that (and also the fact that this has been on your mind enough to post it here) suggests that you see him as a bit more than a friend / have a tiny something for him. And I suggest you rid those feelings. You did the right thing and apparently he did the right thing too with no speaking to each other/going for drinks.

Yeah, I guess I had a bit of a crush on him. I thought it was "safer" because he was married, as odd as that sounds. Like, he wouldn't do anything because he's married. I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing to have those feelings, but agree that it's a bad thing to act on them. So I guess I kinda screwed up in terms of not discouraging him. I'm not sure if this will make sense, but I did try not to encourage him, without actually discouraging him.

Anyway, I won't be suggesting we catch up anymore.