Need help fixing a terrible situation I created

[jfor]

-1- After posting other forms looking for "help" I noticed people would much rather call out my flaws or put me down. Before you start reading, know that I am well aware that I Fu**ed up BIG! So please refrain from bashing and keep it to the helping me out.
-2- I apologize for the length of the post but I wanted to give you guys the full picture of what I did and what I want to fix.



Hey Guys and Gals, My name is John and here is my issue.

My girlfriend and I began dating in December of 2012 she was in her sophomore year of college, we had met the previous June at an organization we both volunteer for and had best friends until I finally asked her out. This was my first relationship, She had already had 5 other partners at this point but told me halfway though our relationship that this was her first serious relationship. The first 6 months to a year were the best years of my life and things were going great, things began getting rocky after that. Around Thanksgiving last year is when things began getting rough with multiple arguments and such. Then finally 2 weeks ago is when things got bad and we finally broke up.
Now let me give you some background on the incidents starting with
First, Trust. A side note before I begin with this issue, when I was about 12-13 years old I learned that my mother had been cheating on my father while playing with her phone one day. I believe the sight of the biggest woman figure in my life doing something such as cheating on my father is really the root of my trust issues. Ok, now to get back on track. Like I previously said trust was my biggest issue, my girlfriend is still in college and goes to school 1,000+ miles away, of course we talked every day, almost all day and I would visit her once a month if not every other month. In the beginning there were no signs that I had trust issues but as the months passed my paranoia began getting to me and I began making accusations after her not texting or calling me back for an hour or two and from there it began getting worse and worse. I began thinking every time we weren’t talking that she was cheating on me. After each of the accusations I apologized multiple times and just felt so bad. In the beginning she understood and didn’t get to offended but after a while it really began getting to her, making her feel terrible about herself and really just breaking her down mentally to the point where she was worried about talking to other guys or going to parties in fear that I would make another accusation and freak out again. Eventually she stopped hanging out with her friends and staying home every night. At this point we both realized that this relationship was in a bad place but we worked with what we had and kept trying to workout my issues. Don’t get me wrong I felt absolutely terrible and always acted on my thoughts without thinking about them or the damage I was causing her. This was in no way me being intentionally malicious, like I said this was my first relationship but I stupidly took it for granted and spoke before I thought. The next issue in the relationship was my girlfriend didn’t like other people knowing our business or getting involved with our relationship. After our first couple of petty boyfriend girlfriend fights I told her that I talked to a friend and this is the advice they gave me (regarding the issue we were fighting about), she would get angry and tell me multiple times that our problems are none of their business and to stop telling other people about our problems. So as time went on the fights got bigger, lasted longer and things really began spiraling down hill. Now I’m not going to place the blame and say that the fights were all her fault, we were both equally as guilty and responsible but I feel that 60% of the time the fights were because of my ever growing trust issues, and again, I felt terrible for the stupid things I said without thinking, but let me reiterate IM NOT SAYING THAT I WAS ALWAYS WRONG!!! There were times where she was the one in the wrong, admitted it and owned up to it. This went on for months, outbursts, apologies, outbursts, and apologies.
Now lets move on to the last few months to weeks of my relationship.
At this point the fights were ruthless, it was almost, if not to the point of a verbally abusive relationship on my end (it was never physical). She had tried to break up 2 or 3 times before but I would profusely apologize until things were back on. There were a few times I attempted to break things off but she would do the same thing I did and again we would be back on. Things were always bad when she was away at school, things would get better when I would visit her or when she came home for break and we would spend time together, yeah there were small bullshit fights when we were together but not about trust, just silly things normal couples fight about. But when I had left to return home the fights would begin again. So she returned to school for the new school year and right off the bat things got rough. I again started saying stupid things without thinking and it all began again. Eventually we were at the point where she barely wanted to talk to me and I felt so bad because I knew it was all my fault, and me not being able to control my words. At this point she we both agreed that we should take a 1-week break and to see where that took us. During the break she contacted me once and sometimes multiple times a day (kind of a weak break) but I was never the one to start the conversation because I was just trying my best to get things back on track. After the break communication was still hit or miss, either we would talk to each other all day or there would be very little communication. At this point she was getting close to her old friends again and was invited to a party, again my paranoia and poor speaking control got to me and I flipped out causing her to break down, cry, lay in bed and not want to go to the party. After calming myself down and coming back to the realization of what I was doing I calmed her down and got her to the point of wanting to go out again and eventually got her to go to the party in turn she was very happy and thanked me for doing that for her. From there on I pretty much had my temper under control and would think before speaking and making some real improvement. After that night we were back on our normal talking routine, talking almost all day. Then about 3 weeks ago we were talking and she was tired and grumpy like people usually are when they are really tired, I held off from flipping out because of the attitude she was giving me and let her go to sleep. The next morning she woke up and I must have called her shortly after she woke up and she was grumpy like any of us are when we just wake up after not having enough sleep. I began badgering her and asking her why I was catching so much attitude and in turn that made her even grumpier and my mind stopped thinking logically, I hung up, and sent her a nasty text message in which I called her the “C Word” every woman despises. After about an hour I went back to my normal routine of apologizing profusely but at this point she had had it. She told me to cancel my flight down for her birthday this month and told me if I really cared about her I would do just so she didn’t run the risk of me ruining her birthday like I did the year before. (We stayed inside because I said the stupid things that came to my mind before thinking about them, I didn’t like her friends and never did anything for her birthday besides a small dinner with just me and her, again I felt terrible for what I did after the fact). So I ignored her and just hoped things would get better and tried my best to make things better so I could come and see her. About a week later while talking civilly talking she asked me if I had cancelled my flight, I told her no because I was trying to show her I wouldn’t make the same mistakes I mad the year before, she again said cancel your flight I do not want to you here. I begged and begged and begged for her to change her mind and to believe me and she begged and begged and begged saying that she didn’t want to take anymore chances of me ruining anymore of the memorable experiences she had left in college. The day after was truly my worst moments and something I regret every day. She was barely talking to me at this point and I just wanted to talk to her to try and work something out and rather than thinking logically I began threatening her saying things like you better talk to me or im going to tell people about this, my mindset was never to tell anyone anything more just trying to get her attention and to talk to me. Finally She said we were done and about an hour later a mutual fried called me and said “im coming to pick you up we have to have a talk”. When he picked me up he said that the second a woman calls you and says “I’m scared” there’s an issue and the guy will never win. At the end of the talk he said it’s over and would be in your best interest not to contact her. He dropped me off, I went back inside and decided to try and end things on somewhat of a good note. I called her (I’m balling my eyes out at this point) She answered and I said something along the lines of “ I want to try and end things on a good note, I’m so sorry for everything that I had done, I know what I did was so wrong in so many ways and I was so incredibly sorry”. She replied with something like “It’s not all your fault, we were in a relationship and everything is a 2 way street, I was responsible for some of the things, it’s not all your fault, Just focus on your priorities in life and getting your life straightened out and at least you will know what not to do for future relationships”. We finally said goodbye. I called her again about 20 minutes later saying “I don’t know how to do anything without you by my side please lets just work something out”. She was crying and her reply was “I just cant take this anymore, Please stop and hung up. I was put on full phone block (Can’t text her, and can’t call her) On top of that she blocked me on Facebook, Instagram and all other social media. I tried sending her 2 or 3 emails apologizing but the only response I got was from another mutual friend yelling at me telling me to stop talking to her, she doesn’t want to hear from you etc… About 5 days later I got an email from her asking if I had seen something I left at my house, I replied I did not and left it at that. Now about a week ago I was asking one of our mutual friends how she was doing and he told me something I didn’t like (no anything relationship wise) just something stupid she did on her birthday, I sent her an email saying things like “That was incredibly stupid of you, don’t you think about the possible permanent repercussions that may have on your future and I never want to talk to you again, please don’t try and contact me I don’t want to talk to you ever again”. Again, I shot my mouth off.
So that’s the background of our/ MY issues. I honestly think that first of all If I was able to vent to friends about the issues/ arguments we had It wouldn’t have come to this because I wouldn’t have bottled all of our issues up. I also believe that after months and months of bottling up it turned me in to a super destructive and even psychotic person. If I had been able to talk things out with others I believe I would have been able to work out my issues with someone else preventing me from speaking before thinking.

Let me give you a quick background on the both of us

Me: Im a 21, currently working a very well paying very stable fulltime job. I only have a high school education and before her had only kissed one other girl. I was and still am madly in love with her and feel absolutely horrible for everything I have done to her, ruining her college experience for the last 2 years and just being that person who takes everything for granted until its actually gone.

Her: She is also 21, in her senior year of college, has only had 5 other partners none as serious as we were (Yes I believe it and I have my reasons) . She has never cheated on me as much as I accused her. I pulled her out of 2 addictions when we began dating, I will not disclose what the addictions were but I will say that they are frowned upon and could have gotten her in to heaps of legal trouble.

Now to get to the point of my actual question. Like I said before I took everything for granted and assumed she would never leave. Yes I understand that I was being a real abusive A$$ H*** and think about it and suffer from it everyday. Im not going to make any attempt to contact her until she is home from school for winter break (December) but I want nothing more than to be able to make up for the way I treated her. On top of making things up I would really like to try and get a second chance. I know that I can/ have already changed because I have had time to talk to friends about the issues and also know what the consequences are if I revert back to my old self. Now I know many of you are thinking, this is your first relationship, you don’t know what you want etc… But I have gone out since, I have tried things with other people but I want nothing more than to be with her. She means absolutely everything to me. If I’m not working, I’m sleeping to keep the pain of not having her to talk to or in my life as well as the pain from my guilt. As weird as it sounds I’m pretty sure she still has feelings for me, I have checked my Facebook logins everyday and she has logged in to my FB at least once a day since the break up im assuming for her to see what im doing, and it makes me feel good to know that she still cares and wants to see how im doing. So finally, im asking all of you for some help. What can I do to show her I have been able to finally change and can bring back that old spark we use to have. Please I’m begging for help, I’m so lost without her .

Thanks in advance
-John

[purple_roses]

Leave this poor girl alone. If she's smart, which it sounds like she finally is, she's not getting back with you and does not have feelings for you. If you truly cared about her you would want what's best for her and respect her wishes. Pestering her is so direspectful and your just making yourself look more crazy and an asshole every time u send her random hateful messages when she clearly isn't trying to speak to you. Your treating her like property. Like u can say whatever u want with no consequence. Idk how you got this way since this is your first girlfriend. But trust me, u try this crap with the next girlfriend, she's not going to stay as long, unless shes a total idiot. I dated a super control freak when I was 21 too. It's still a very young age where we still do dumb shit. Seriously get it together. Counseling or read a book about jealousy and codependency.

And I am being nice. I don't know what u expect people to say to you. You are so nasty and abusive to this girl. You need to quit it and learn u can't treat your partner this way.

[VJ2406]

Hi John

I think the message prior to mine was a little harsh but I do in some point agree. I think for the time being you have to focus on yourself & your own improvement. As for her checking your facebook I think you have to change your password so that she can't do that anymore as it is only making you hang onto something which at this point in your life is no longer constructive.

If you truly believe your trust issues have created this then please please I beg of you to seek some form of counselling. I too have had issues caused by my past however now with a wealth of experience behind me can focus & deal with those issues in a constructive manner.

I always believe in never saying never, we have no idea what tomorrow holds for us, however for the moment move forward & let go. If it's meant to be it will return.

Much love to you bud, I hope you come thru this xx

[anthaaa]

Bro I'm going to be honest. Get over her. Even if you do get back with her, your trust issues will ALWAYS be there. You might be sweet for a few months or even a year. But in the back of your mind, your paranoia with her will always be there. It happened to me too bro. I know it's hard and you can't stop thinking about her etc. my advice ?? Trust me, completely ignore her. Simple. It'll take time to adjust but once you get over her things will be fine. In the mean time get some help from a psychologist for your trust issues.

This is the only advice you should take. I went though something similar. I thought she was the only girl for me. That's absolute horse poo. Trust me, there's thousands of girls out there mate. Move on. It's over. These issues have scarred her and yourself. Even if your back with her down the track, these trust issues and you cracking it will eventually come back. Please bro, leave her alone and fix yourself and move on.

[Wakeup]

Okay, I stopped reading about your abusive tendencies and I'm just going to give you some advice that you'll be very, very STUPID to ignore or not do. AND: Don't take this as me tearing a strip off of you either ~ It's just the truth and you need to hear it. I'd not give you advice to get back with her because you're abusing her and without the help you need, you'll keep doing it.

This: Go to your family doctor and get a psych consult for some well needed therapy. You have anger issues, control issues, lack of boundary issues and anti social issues. Thank the good lord that your girlfriend finally got the gurl ballzz to leave you or else you'd never get the wake up call you need to FIX YOURSELF.

It doesnt' matter if your mother's infidelity is the cause of your issues at this point (you are an adult now) what matters is that you get help to come to terms with said issues and then, hopefully learn how to overcome them.

It doesnt' matter if your smart ex has feelings for you still or not. She's smart enough to know that love is NOT ENOUGH to keep a relationship together.

You will never change as long as you DON'T get the professional help you need. I hope she realizes that. I give her kudos for blocking you. In time she will not have the desire to check your superficially through social media sites as well as she reaches closer to the stage of indifference to you.

What a horrible crystal ball reading I see for you if you don't get the professional help you need:

Take her leaving your wakeup call and do something about your abusive nature or you will keep being this abusive man who either chases away decent, good partners or you'll end up with a broken bitch who you'll end up physically abusing while she stays and takes it, having children with her and then emotionally or physically abusing them as well as they watch you treat their mother like shit.

[TablesandChairs]

You're not 'cured' - you haven't even begun fixing yourself. What you're doing is a) realising you've lost someone and b) going into damage control. You must have her back - you'll do anything - you've changed.

No, you haven't. If you did get her back, it'd take a few weeks/months for you to start displaying the same behaviours again. As you've done many times before. You don't magically change just because you want to win someone back...change takes time, effort and the realisation that it's something you need to do for you - for your own future well-being and happiness.

You feel like crap and if you could just get her back, you'll feel better again. Maybe that's true - you'll feel okay for a while. And then you'll cycle backwards. She knows this which is why she has cut you off. Real love isn't suffocating or abusive so you might want to contemplate what kind of love you're giving; it wasn't the kind that made her feel happy, secure and free to live her life, enjoy her college experience. You tried putting your partner in a prison where any wrong move on her end could land her extra jail time. She didn't fall for it - and as you mature, you'll realise no woman worth having is going to fall for it.

[Wakeup]

Good post ^^^^
I wonder if OP has flown the coop because he's getting the same thing he'd gotten in the other Forum Board he says he posted this story in.

OP: Have you learned anything about yourself? What are you going to do about YOU?