How to reconnect with your family?

[Birna]

Okai, I know I already posted this on a different board here but I didn't get any replies so I thought I'd give it a try here:

I haven't talked about this with anyone, but the anonimity of this site helps me put it in words.

I am a 22 year old woman, living in norway with a family in a different country. I have never really been close with them as I was a really difficult child(in my opinion) and I moved out at an early age, never really getting that experience of bonding or getting to know my family other than my grandparents on my fathers side.
I never felt like I got noticed at home unless I misbehaved or did something wrong so I did that alot, causing me to be given blame for my younger siblings' misbehaviour, such as drawing on the walls and such, so that didn't really make me want to change, but at 16 I had had enough and moved to my grandparents on my fathers side because I had always gotten really well along with them. and ever since then I have felt like I know the rest of my family less and less. I always got especially badly along with my mother, but I think the root to that is that we are too much a like it's like two rams clashing they're heads toghether when we spend too much time together.
I have been living abroad now for almost 2 years and I've visited them 3 times and talked to them on skype 3 or 4 times during that time because I just don't know what to say to them or even what they think of me.

I would really like to fix this now that I have really realized the sting of pain and the effects these emotions are having on me and my everyday life. I know I should probably talk to a psychologist but I really just can't afford to right now so I'm looking everywhere for help. Please.

[Wakeup]

Are you looking for ways to reconnect with them in person, like move to where they are or are you just looking to be able to Skype with them so that it doesn't feel awkward? Are you able to afford to have a visit to where they live? Its always better to do things face to face to figure out who they are now after all these years.

Anyway, I think a good way to begin getting to know them again and feeling a bonding connection is to keep having regular sessions on the phone or on Skype and take baby steps. Tell them about your day and ask them about theirs. Regular contact is a starting point.

[Birna]

Thanks, yes I can afford a visit and I do go for holidays like easter and christmas every other year and just last mars I went for my brothers coming of age ritual and even tho we talk about our day from time to time, I just feel like the connection is broken or that it has never been there. it feels sort of like reading a book when we talk... I know what they have done and they know what my boyfriend and I do but in the end, none of us really know each other.. I see the way my boyfriend and our friends act with theyr parents and every time I can see and feel that I've never had that connections, never had those moments and quite frankly I am afraid to ask my parents about it... as for my siblings, my older sister and I we don't have that much in common, my younger sister has become a massive bitch to say the least... Her I know.. we always talked alot.. but she is treating everyone around her like gum that sticks to her shoes, not really an approachable person. and my little brother hasn't ever cared much for anything other than videogames..

but it is the lack of connection with my parents that hurts the most. I know there is no "magic pill" for this but I can't help but think if this really is something that can be fixed? will we always be like ships in the night just passing by? a co-existence by force and extremely awkward?

[Rebeccaa]

It sounds like there are lots of walls there, with your parents and your siblings.

Your parents will love you no matter what, it is called unconditional love and it doesn't have any boundaries. Granted there are stumbling blocks and it now sounds as though there are barriers up in all of the relationships.

You might need to let your guard down. Are you willing to bare your true feelings? It is tough as there is always that chance of rejection and as humans we will try and shield ourselves against that.

If I was you I would start by meeting with your parents (at next visit) and just tell them exactly how you feel. Just be truthful and tell it as you see it. Tell them you love them but feel disconnected. Prepare for tears but well, it is a complex situation so baby steps.

[Birna]

thanks guys I'll try the babysteps.