Interrupting boyf- continue pointing it out or just deal with it?

[Katie_P]

It seems like such a fickle complaint, 'being interrupted', and I take great pains not to interrupt anyone, including my boyfriend, when they're speaking, and I do get upset when people interrupt me. I think part of it is my upbringing, which wasn't stiff by any means, but my parents were insistent on good manners and that means waiting patiently for the person to finish speaking i.e. not being annoying. I also want people to know that I am listening to them, and I do try my hardest to bear my thoughts or questions in mind, and then bring them up when they're finished. I'm certainly no expert on this, but I try.

By his own admittance, I. is an interruptor. He does this for 2 different reasons: 1) because he just can't wait to ask questions (says he'll forget otherwise). Micro details matter to him and he wants to know the whos and wheres and whys. 2) his mind has wandered off and if he doesn't point out that person/thing going past or going on right now, it'll be lost forever.

Sometimes when I'm speaking he wanders around, doing other things, and although he can usually prove he's listening be repeating back to me what I've just said, I've told him that I just want to feel like he's only concentrating on me. All to frequently though, he interrupts, then goes off to talk about something else, and FORGETS to return his ears to me!

The logical side of me thinks, ok, I can take a pause to answer that question, or okay, I understand that when I'm speaking there is something that he might need to point out, but I just don't find some of his questions relevant to what I'm talking about, or I resent the fact that he's completely changed the conversation. I think, perhaps if he just let me finish, he'd hear me address that exact thing he wants to know, or realise that I'm just about finished.

My problem is, I am very expressive and intense when I speak, and if I am sharing an anecdote or I am reciting a conversation I might have had, I sometimes like to kind of act it out, maybe put on their accent, do some physical gestures something like that. Sometimes what I'm talking about might be very important to me, or has being emotional for me- either very upsetting or very exciting, and his interruption just knocks me for six. I feel instantly deflated and just stubbornly refuse to continue after I throw him that look that says "you did it again!!" He gets mad at me because I won't continue on the 'story', but I just feel like I can't. I can't just perk up to the emotional level I was at before, because I think what I've said must've been so boring to him, and I feel like a fool.

Yes, you could say I want an audience, but often, I just want to feel safe in the knowledge that he is giving me attention in my time of need. I feel like I'm sharing something personal with him, and he owes me the courtesy of holding his tongue for just a minute.

I have told him in the past that this isn't something I'm willing to let go, and it's basic manners. He's told me in the past that he will to change this about himself. But, it's just in his nature. He also says that he doesn't think interrupting anyone is a big deal, and balks when I say "most people don't like being interrupted". Is he kidding himself, or just being defensive? Sometimes I think he is oblivious to social norms!

I'm not really asking, who is wrong, who is right, but realise we need to compromise on this somehow. What can we do to resolve this? How can I let it upset me less?

TL;DR: should I let my boyfriend interrupt me when I'm speaking? What to do when two stubborn people insist they're not asking for much? Any magic words to diffuse the situation?

[katyk]

LOL....reading this I was thinking your bf sounds like my pup! He only gives me his sole attention whilst training for a few seconds and then he is off exploring and sniffing. Katie, I know how frustrating this is! I get it not just from my partner but my family and colleagues and like you I want to say.....I was in the middle of talking! Sometimes people's minds are just working overtime and they can't concentrate for thinking of what they are going to say! Like you say, he probably thinks of something and then if he doesn't say it at the time, he may forget!

What you have to do is weigh up his good points against his bad. Nobody gets the full caboodle. Can guarantee no matter how much you love someone, there will be something that irritates. It IS all about compromise. If you feel the situation is intolerable then you have to accept he is not the one for you! He may, in time, learn to be more focused but he may not! He is him and you are you.

[Katie_P]

Katy, you're right, thanks. After 4 years together I think we are both constantly trying to figure out whether we are right for each other. At least though, he has always been interrupting me so it's nothing new. The pup analogy is actually quite accurate in other aspects of his personality, and I just want him to grow up sometimes; but I guess only time will tell whether I can continue to bear it! Thanks Katy, your response is simple but insightful, and is along the lines of what I have been trying to tell myself, anyway.

[TablesandChairs]

Hi

Is he a selfish kind of guy? If he's the 'me me me' kind, then naturally he's going to think that the sound of his own voice/thoughts trumps yours. If he's a bit more like me (baring in mind I have ADD), then it's not malicious. For example - say my partner and I are telling the same story. Takes me 2 minutes, takes him 10. He's thorough and detailed whereas I'm more of a 'get to the interesting bit' type of person. So, I've had to learn to be patient - while I don't interrupt as such, I used to just...butt in and finish off the story. Or go off and do other things (still listening though) because I knew how the story would end anyway. Stuff like that. But I realised how it might seem to another person. I've also learned that telling a story is sometimes better when a bit of background is given, instead of "THIS HAPPENED!". The where, how and why can be interesting too.

Behaviours can be learned and unlearned, we're malleable but he just needs to be receptive to understanding that sometimes, you want to have the platform.

[breathe123]

I had an ex always shush me when we talked especially on the phone, it was very rude to me & said it was because I was talking over him which wasn't true I was just finishing my thoughts or story and he couldn't wait for the ending up part. Your boyfriend sounds very impatient I think he doesn't see it as important because it only bothers you, not him and he thinks no big deal then. How old are you both and been together how long?

[michelle23]

I think this is a man thing tbh. They get bored talking about the same topic for too long. Have you ever heard two men talking together and how the subject changes every minute?

There not like us the way we can talk about the same thing for 30minutes and then talk about it again an hour later lol.. i know its irritating but you will prob have this issue with 90% of men. They are not big talkers in general or great communicators and most do not practice active listening.

This is something your gonna have to accept after four years together.. he must have some other great qualities that have kept you around so long?

I only know a small few men who have the same level of interpersonal skills as me and its usually because they either have exceptional levels of emotional intelligence like dr phil for example or because they are con men that cannot be trusted.

[Katie_P]

Thank you so much, you three. You've all be very helpful.

TablesandChairs- no he's not the selfish kind of guy, I know there's no malice in it, but his thoughtlessness bothers me. I want him to learn a bit of patience like you say you have.

Breathe123- you've hit the nail on the head, he doesn't think it's important because it doesnt bother him. He actually says, I don't care if you interrupt me, I'll just carry on once you're done, why can't you do the same? i.e. I think he wants me to toughen up a bit and not get pissy about something, my reality tells me, is rude and irritating. I'm 29 and he's 32, we've been together for 4 years next month.

Michelle23, yeah I think you're right, it is a man thing. But he's not the archetypal bloke that I was used to in England (he's American- exotic for me!, very open-minded, quite 'spiritual'). In other respects, he's actually a great listener. I know he is a very good agony aunt to his friends; one of them was super-depressed at one point in her life and was suicidal. She was always telling me how wonderful he was at supporting her and she came through in the end; I feel very proud that that's my boyfriend. He does have a few 'feminine' character traits that I really respect in him. He has been amazing throughout my own times of crisis (few and far inbetween though), but its just the every day, little ups and downs that I want to share with him that he just doesn't really do a good job of showing me that he's listening. It's not like I talk his ear off. I think he does just have a really short attention span sometimes.

Do you know, sometimes, he even interrupts himself. I never even thought that was possible until I met him.

Other times, if we have a blazing row, and I interrupt him in the heat of the moment, I get: "KATIE! CAN YOU LET ME FINISH??
(dramatic pause..............................)
Don't interrupt me!"

What I did always think was possible, was, 'training' your SO to adapt to certain stipulations and expectations you have. Not much to ask, right; just button up until I'm done? It might happen to someone, somewhere, someday, but I'm beginning to realise, not with my boyfriend. After 4 years I'm at that point where I'm quietly, slowly deciding whether I can a) change myself: lower my expectations and live with it b)get us to counselling to try and iron out this + a few other creases, c) accept that at some point, neither of us will change, certain things will bug me forever and I'm better off letting go.

[TheEvilJester]

I don't know. Sometimes I think guys just have a hard time really listening. I remember one time this girl I wanted to date told me she wasn't interested in me because it didn't seem like I ever really listened to her when we talked. Wait... it was either that or because she was terrified of me because of all the screaming victims chained up in my basement. I don't know, I can't remember. I wasn't listening. :-P

(Come one, I HAD to.)

So, for the serious advice now....

It may just be something he has always done without really thinking about it. It could be sort of a social anxiety thing. He probably doesn't mean any harm or disrespect in it, so I wouldn't necessarily recommend making too big an issue of it. From what you said, it seems he is aware of it but kind of can't help himself. So, I suppose all you can really do is let him say his bit and, if and when needed, just drive the conversation back to what you were trying to say. It's even okay to just respectfully say "Hold on, just let me finish."

I would say talk to him about it, but it sounds like he already knows he does it and he can't really help himself. So, that would be in him to try to improve. For your own sanity, I guess all you can do is learn how to work around it. Again, it doesn't seem like he means disrespect in it. If he did, my advice would be different.