I can't trust my boyfriend

[isolde.darling]

I have a boyfriend and we've been together for only 4 months but it doesn't mean my feelings aren't deep. It is serious between us but there's always this nagging feeling in me that I can't seem to trust him. Maybe it's because I've caught him lying. Before me, he had a girlfriend of 5 years and they broke up 3 months before he met me. He told me he was totally over her and he already threw everything that has anything to do with her from his house. Note that i didnt ASK nor did i say anything about him throwing their memories together, but when i visited his place, he was really defensive about me opening his cabinet (i was sleeping over and tried to get a bath towel) and it made him upset. Of course I became suspicious about the whole thing and after arguing about it, he opened his cabinet and it was FULL of his ex's stuff. Her lotion, pictures of them together (three of which are even framed), old movie tickets, her old toothbrush, you get the picture. So I asked him why he lied to me about throwing all her stuff away and he said sorry and he just didnt have the time to throw it away but he just wanted to reassure me that he's over her.

Fast forward to another month and a lot has happened. I would sometimes call him and ask where he is and he'd tell me he's in his room when the background CLEARLY sounds like he is out, or i'd find a hickey on his neck and he would INSIST that I made the hickey the last time we made out even if I don't remember putting that hickey on. He also has a lot of promiscuous friends and he has a history of sleeping with hookers and this is the part that really bothers me recently that made me post this and just see if i am being crazy. We used to have our lunch breaks together everyday since our offices are practically next to each other, but now we don't. He also always seems short on money (he ran out of money just 4 days after receiving his paycheck) lately when before he wasn't. He's also going out with his friends more on his own when before he always wants me to be around. When I pointed this out of course he retaliated with the whole I am being clingy argument.

I don't think I am. I am asking him because the very thing that is bothering me is the CHANGE. So I have a theory and I am asking for your opinion if it sounds sane. Maybe he is NOT over his ex, and yes, maybe they aren't fooling around behind my back, but maybe I am just rebound girl since if he is DOING SOMETHING (or someone haha) then that means he is not really fully in love with me yet? What do I do? Do I shut up? Given the suspicious turn of events, how can I trust him? Or SHOULD I even trust him? Thanks for your opinion guys.

[Archie]

Some people heal for years, some people don't need healing and some need others to heal them. It's very possible you are his rebound, someone to help him get on his feet, because it seems like he is hoping for his ex to come back to him at some point. He is holding on to her things, now photographs is one thing, you can't erase the past, but keeping her toothbrush, for one, really seems as though he's hoping for something to happen.
Wether he's sleeping with someone behind your back, I cannot say, but the fact that he is lying to you, when you've only been together for 4 months, it just doesn't seem right.

I think he wants freedom, but somehow he's gotten used to you and doesn't want to let go, yet. I can only suggest that you let him go and do as he pleases, it would be easier on you, rather than have him wreck you at some point in time.

[michelle23]

Your being really stupid here to believe anything he says. How naive can you be? Your letting him tell you that you gave him hickeys when you KNOW you didn't and your still with him??

Also why would you go near any guy that you know has been with hookers?? Thats repulsive.

Its obvious you cant trust him. It couldn't be more obvious if he dud it right in front of you.

The fact that your still with him says a lot about you and that your unlikely to leave him so its probably pointless telling you to dump him. All i can say is if you don't believe your worth more than him than noone else will

[TablesandChairs]

Unless you have some sort of memory deficit, then you'd know if you sucked on his neck or not. Unless you've suffered a brain injury, you know what it would sound like if he was in his room as opposed to, say, at a party. Even if the TV was loud, you can usually tell the difference.

So, he's insulting your intelligence big time.

[jeremy_yllim]

i have a question here. Actually, my girlfriend does not have trust on me and we just broke up recently. We have been in the relationship for 2years +, what would you do to accept and trust the person back? What is your expectation to gain the trust from the guy ? Would you mind to share?

[isolde.darling]

Okay, thanks for the input guys.

To Jeremy,
I would have to ask you first what made her not trust you. If it's a girl you've been flirtatious with, then avoid her, if it's being on the phone too much, then maybe shorten your time on it, in my opinion, just avoid or dont do the things that made her lose her trust in you.

[michelle23]

Have you decided what you will do now OP? Keep us posted

[Wakeup]

You can't trust your boyfriend because he's been fundamentally untrustworthy.

[woody]

Dear O.P

A lady remembers when she gives her man a hickey. You must follow your gut on this one. You don't remember giving it then chances are you didn't.
Yeah, you've got a few red flags here and i'm sorry for you. 4 months isn't long but it is long enough to be in it, full on, in it.
Only you two will know the vibe between you. But he has lied (although not about anything too serious) He probably just wanted to ease your concerns about the ex. Telling you all her stuff was gone was for your sake. The fact he placed some special stuff of theirs in a drawer tells me he's got a heart. and that ought make you happy knowing that he's not the kind of guy to just throw everything in the recycle bin. Still, he could have just told you but don't shoot him for that. I think it's sweet he saved some stuff from her. It is the lie that hurts, not the act.

But this connection is fresh, young and still in its growing stages. This is the fragile time where 'lies' mess up a foundation. They think their saving our feelings by telling white lies but we know this is only backfires.
Still, don't let the whole " he saved things from his ex" thing, deter you too much.

Hookers? Well that's another thing all together. Hickies? Huh.
Lady, get the proof. If you can't get the proof, you'll have to wait for more weeks of spidey senses on high alert, gut feelings of mistrust and if/when they do not fade away, you must have the strength to listen to them and follow suit.
He may be a swell fella but if he's one who screws about, well, you already know what you'd need to do. Self preservation of your own integrity.

REmember, if he's not the guy for you, he's not. Don't blame your self what ever you do, don't do that.