Questions about virginity.

[bobisstressed]

Hello to everyone. I need a little honest and sound advise.
A little bit about me.
I am 46, and yep a virgin. I have had limited sexual experience. I have had 5 opportunities to lose my virginity but could not. I was very nervous.
I grew up very overweight, with extreme abusive parents, negative religious views, crippling views of women and as a result, very shy.
I have lost a lot of weight and almost normal looking. I am male and average looking. I have come a long way in the last year.
I can ask girls on dates and that is fairly easy. I am terrified of sex. I have tons of hang ups. Virginity the main one, it is a huge source of shame and a huge cross. I feel condemned by this fact.
My question is this. Is it too late for me to find a girl friend who I being a virgin will not care about that?
And if so, how do I bring that up in conversation? I can not tell you how distressing this is to me.
Please be helpful without smart ass remarks and please don't say things like ohh you will find her one day, remember I'm 46 and that one day is coming very close to being over. So please be real and honest.
Thank you to all that would answer.

[lovebroken]

I don't think you should ever feel ashamed, it only puts you in a negative mindset and won't help you get past anything you need to get past to achieve what you need to achieve, it will keep you stuck. Do you feel the need to tell women you are interested in you are a virgin still because? 1) you don't lie or 2) you don't want them being disappointed somehow if you have sex and it isn't mind blowing? or other reasons? There are groups and clubs for everyone and everything, so I wouldn't be surprised that there are virgin groups, meetings, social clubs, for 20s-30s and up, maybe in your 40s is more rare but 30s might not be as rare or late 20s, depending on the age of gf you'd prefer to date. Do you care if your partner the first time is a virgin too?

[TheEvilJester]

There is nothing wrong with still being a virgin. Even at your age, there is no shame in it. You don't have to feel like it makes you bizarre. I will say this, though. Maybe this isn't the advice you would hope to hear, but it may help if you can talk to a therapist about it. Preferably somebody who specializes in this sort of thing. There is no shame in seeking out help, nor is it a sign of weakness. You've said yourself there have been opportunities for you to lose your virginity and you've been too nervous to go through with it.

You will have to get through that in order for it to happen, and if a therapist can help you with ways to get through it, then why not give that a try? Once you finally do get through it, it will be easier to do so again and again, and eventually your anxieties will be completely forgotten.

One important thing to remember is that your first time you will probably not be that good. Most people aren't. Everybody is nervous for the first time. It takes time to get to a point where you know what you are doing, so to speak.

Whatever you do, I wish you the best of luck. Sex is great, but is also not the end-all be-all of the world like some people seem to think. Love should be your goal. Sex should just be one of the perks.

[bobisstressed]

Thanks for replying. I really appreciate it.
lovebroken I've read and re read what you wrote and trying to reply best as I can. Its going to take me a while to write this lol
I'm tied up in knots. The messages I've gotten is be ashamed if I'm a virgin and be ashamed if I'm not.
I don't know how to unravel that. When I see a girl I like, I get depressed because Im a virgin and I feel like a freak, and I get upset and anxious because Im not supposed to want to have sex with her and then Im paralyzed. I'm trying to get unstuck by writing about it. I had a gf when I was 18 for a year. She never wanted to have sex, I respected that lol although disappointed. I could have pressured her, I didn't. When I was 24 a girl I had a chance. I was friends with a girl and invited her back to my room to hear records with out really anything in mind. She initiated it, I was shocked, porn partly screwed it up. I though I had to behave a certain way and I ended up beside myself which resulted in fear. I should have just enjoyed it. She was using me to get closure on her bf I figured out later. I didn't care, but I would have been nice if it was that she liked me. She said afterwards lets just pretend it was a dream and didn't happen. Never got to see her again. Third time I had a chance, she really liked me. I was surprised again and did not know what to do about it. That was about six months ago. By then I was really really screwed up. She liked what I was doing and that she got exicted made me excited, but then the fear of not being able to tell her I was technically a virgin made me paralyzed. Funny thing is I dont think she knew or if she did she might not have cared. Everything happened very fast and I couldn't process it all. I felt very detached and even resistant. It was almost traumatic. I had so much to hide. But sadly if I could have been honest it might not have mattered. At the time I was living with inhuman ideas of what I should be or not be.
So it isnt that I dont want to lie, just not be afraid to be comfortable and be myself without having someone judge me.

TheEvilJester Ive re read what you said also. Fear and shame is a killer. I grew up in a hyper critical family and taught super condemning negative religious ideas. I've been talking to pastors both very positive and Im relearning truth. I have a therapy apointment with a childhood trauma therapist who Ive been seeing for about a year, this next week. I'm going to just let out everything this time. It's going to be very hard. But it will be worth it. I don't think Im really nervous about doing it (sex), I think that would be fun and yea Im really looking forward to it, but its all the guilt and trauma that paralyzes me. Far as love, that would be cool, but thats way of in the future and a whole other huge can of worms. Who knows maybe not. Trust is a big issue with me. Growing up everything was ridiculed and all us kids learned to hide for our protection. I am a good lair, but only when I dont care about something/someone.

Thank you both for replying and giving me a chance to talk. I would like to hear what you have to say.

[bobisstressed]

Thanks for replying. I really appreciate it.
lovebroken I've read and re read what you wrote and trying to reply best as I can. Its going to take me a while to write this lol
I'm tied up in knots. The messages I've gotten is be ashamed if I'm a virgin and be ashamed if I'm not.
I don't know how to unravel that. When I see a girl I like, I get depressed because Im a virgin and I feel like a freak, and I get upset and anxious because Im not supposed to want to have sex with her and then Im paralyzed. I'm trying to get unstuck by writing about it. I had a gf when I was 18 for a year. She never wanted to have sex, I respected that lol although disappointed. I could have pressured her, I didn't. When I was 24 a girl I had a chance. I was friends with a girl and invited her back to my room to hear records with out really anything in mind. She initiated it, I was shocked, porn partly screwed it up. I though I had to behave a certain way and I ended up beside myself which resulted in fear. I should have just enjoyed it. She was using me to get closure on her bf I figured out later. I didn't care, but I would have been nice if it was that she liked me. She said afterwards lets just pretend it was a dream and didn't happen. Never got to see her again. Third time I had a chance, she really liked me. I was surprised again and did not know what to do about it. That was about six months ago. By then I was really really screwed up. She liked what I was doing and that she got exicted made me excited, but then the fear of not being able to tell her I was technically a virgin made me paralyzed. Funny thing is I dont think she knew or if she did she might not have cared. Everything happened very fast and I couldn't process it all. I felt very detached and even resistant. It was almost traumatic. I had so much to hide. But sadly if I could have been honest it might not have mattered. At the time I was living with inhuman ideas of what I should be or not be.
So it isnt that I dont want to lie, just not be afraid to be comfortable and be myself without having someone judge me.

TheEvilJester Ive re read what you said also. Fear and shame is a killer. I grew up in a hyper critical family and taught super condemning negative religious ideas. I've been talking to pastors both very positive and Im relearning truth. I have a therapy apointment with a childhood trauma therapist who Ive been seeing for about a year, this next week. I'm going to just let out everything this time. It's going to be very hard. But it will be worth it. I don't think Im really nervous about doing it (sex), I think that would be fun and yea Im really looking forward to it, but its all the guilt and trauma that paralyzes me. Far as love, that would be cool, but thats way of in the future and a whole other huge can of worms. Who knows maybe not. Trust is a big issue with me. Growing up everything was ridiculed and all us kids learned to hide for our protection. I am a good lair, but only when I dont care about something/someone.

Thank you both for replying and giving me a chance to talk. I would like to hear what you have to say.

[bobisstressed]

Thank you both for replying. Youve given me a lot to think about. Thank you

[TablesandChairs]

Bob, I can imagine telling someone you're a virgin a 46 is daunting...so, why tell? Put it this way; if you meet a woman and it gets to that point, say something about it having been a long time and you being 'rusty' - make light out of it. Sex isn't rocket science and to be honest, the first time two people have sex is always a bit awkward, even for people who have had plenty of experience. Takes a while to get familiar with someone's body etc.

Secondly, women in your age range are looking for someone who treats them well, is good company and someone they see a future with; no one will dump you just because the sex wasn't amazing at first. Provided you've worked on your other issues and you don't enter a relationship with a basket-full of hang-ups, you should be fine.