Unsure about feelings towards one of my best friends.

[Skoy]

Greetings,

I'm currently struggling with the situation with one of my best friends (of the other sex). We met eachother about 2 years ago when going on a date (arranged through a dating website). Immediately there was certain 'chemistry' between us, but no real physical attraction. It was clear we shared the same type of humor and had similar tastes and views. A few other dates followed, and we always got along very well, being able to talk about just about anything. In the end neither of us really felt any physical attraction, so there was no problem us being friends. Since then we've regularly been doing stuff together, and she's grown to be one of my closest friends, whom I can trust and talk to about anything.

When she started seeing some guy (who was somewhat of a douche) somewhere last year, I did feel a hint of jealousy, but I'm not sure whether this was because she was romantically involved, or whether it simply meant we wouldn't be able to hang out that much anymore, or even talk to eachother online due to lack of time (she was already pretty busy with work, and was living in another city). The guy was not really something for her, because as already stated being somewhat of an egocentrical douchebag, so they were not really meant to last years.

A few months ago we had agreed to grab a bite and catch up some evening during the week, but when I arrived at their place (his appartment), she came out somewhat emotional (to her standards, she's not really the hysterical type but rather quite rational, which I appreciate alot!), telling me that they had just broken up. I was of course not really surprised, seeing as she had been complaining about the relationship the last months, and also relieved. Again, not sure whether this was because I was happy for her not having to deal with that guy, or whether this meant she was again 'available'. Since then we have been hanging out more often, since she had a lot of time to spend after moving back to her parents' place, as also more regularly chatting online about stuff. I of course enjoy the time we spend together, since we have common interests such as opera, good movies, design and nice stuff, walking/hiking, ... She is also very thoughtful, open and understanding and genuinely listens to what I have to say. I of course enjoy doing the same, and I love the mutual understanding we have.

All this leads to the million dollar question, and the reason as to why I am posting in this very forum. Are we still just friends, or am I interested in more than just friends? I find it hard to tell the difference, and maybe that is already a sign that it is 'just' friendship. Additionally, I have been single for about 3 years now, after a rather shitty relationship (with a hysterical type), so it could just be the loneliness speaking that many single persons probably feel now and then. After all, when you are single, I feel that one is never 'on the first place' in anyones book, that you might have very good friends, but not that very special person you would always like to be with. Anyways, the thing is, I simply love spending time with this person, I am always happy when I see her, or when we have a conversation online or IRL, we have similar views on future living, kids, values, and I'm feeling I wouldn't really like if she would find some new guy ...
On the other side I don't really feel much physical attraction. But maybe this could be something that grows, rather than those cliché butterflies?

So, is it just friends, or does this seem like more? And if there is more, how do I pursue this, not wanting to lose such a dear friend?

Thanks.

[TheEvilJester]

There is certainly nothing wrong with being friends first and a relationship developing later. Heck, I'd want my eventual girlfriend/fiance/wife to be my best friend in the whole world. The thing is, though, just because two people of the opposite sex (or same in such a case) can be great friends does not automatically mean they should be in a relationship.

You've already said there is no physical attraction between you two. Why would that change? You deserve to be with somebody you do find physically attractive and who finds you the same. And the same can be said for her. She deserves somebody who finds her physically attractive, and who she does as well. There's nothing wrong with the fact that you two don't really have a physical attraction. Doesn't mean either of you is unattractive, it just means you are more suited to be friends.

Now, all I can really say is that is how it sounds to me based on your story. Only you can really know if your feelings for her have started to change. It certainly is possible to start off thinking of somebody as only a friend only to later find yourself becoming attracted to them as more than a friend. Only you can really know if that is what is happening. It could just be a case of you thinking "We are such great friends, why shouldn't we be more?" The thing is, sometimes certain relationships are just best as friends. It is possible that becoming more wouldn't work out and then that would likely ruin the friendship.

Again, I'm not saying that it is not worth the risk if you really think there could be something there. But, I am saying that you shouldn't try to go for something more just because you are great as friends. Sometimes that just means that you should remain as friends. Only you can really know if you want to/if it is worth pursuing more. Good luck. I hope you do figure out what you want, and either way I hope you find the girl of your dreams.

[Skoy]

Thank you for your feedback, after which I decided to just 'wait and see' for now, see how things evolve. However, yesterday there was an unexpected turn of events.

My friend was coming over to my place in the evening to watch a movie together. What really happened though, is that she actually confessed to me that for the past few weeks she had started falling in love with me. Even though I had picked up some signals in that direction here and there in that period (of course not 100% sure these were signals, afterwards it's always easy to say!), I must say I didn't fully see that one coming. She told me that she had been doubting for a while, whether I was a 'rebound' for her, or whether she would risk her friendship over this. But as I know her to be a very rational and open person about things like this, she told me she had to put this on the table because it was causing her sleepless nights, and she likes to have her problems out in the open (a characteristic which often makes things so much easier in my opinion ... except this time of course). For a moment I didn't really know what to say, and eventually I blurted out something in the likes of that I had also started doubting the nature of my feelings towards her. There was the inevitable moment of awkwardness, some half sentences, and eventually she hugged me. I must say at that moment it didn't feel 'wrong', or uncomfortable, somehow it even felt nice.

Maybe it has to do with my 3 years of singleness and lack of much physical affection, but that was one of my original doubts to start with. Anyway then followed some more awkwardness, after which we decided maybe a stroll through the cold outdoors in the city would help clear our heads. When outside I immediately felt the change of atmosphere in our relationship as friends. Even though we were still laughing and making fun, you could still see the elephant in the room. Eventually we ended up in a calm spot in the city, and before I knew it we were hugging eachother, and not long after a kiss followed. I must say I felt somewhat hesitant, but in the meanwhile it also felt rather good. We walked a bit more, stopped now and then for a hug, and went back home. We watched some TV together, she lying in my arms, and me starting to be more confused. It didn't feel 'wrong' as such, yet there was still this hesitation, this doubt. I could not just fully 'throw' myself on this train that had been set in motion. We said our goodbyes, without any concrete 'when will we see eachother again', and I went to bed for a sleepless night.

Today - the day after - there was still some hesitation from my part, and in our online chat the discussion didn't really touch the elephant in the room, while in the meantime I felt hesitant as to how to act. I have the feeling that only more doubt has entered my mind and am not sure how to proceed. I think I am just going to be honest and tell her it was not my intention to give her the wrong idea, that I am now 'committed' to this, but I need some time to see how it evolves. Or is it for you clear from my actions and thoughts that this is going nowhere but downhill? Is my doubt normal?

Greetings.

[TheEvilJester]

It is a little hard for me to comment as I have never been in the situation. However, your doubts sound perfectly normal to me. This is a good friend of yours, and it would definitely be a shame to lose that friendship. Yet, at the same time, if there could truly be something special there, why would you deprive yourself of that just to maintain the friendship? It could become that and so much more.

I wish I could help more, but this is really an internal battle you will have to fight. Do you have feelings for her as more than a friend, or are you just excited by the idea of having a relationship after it has been a while? Are your doubts your answer, or are they just hesitation because you don't want to lose the friendship.

As I said before, if you truly do not think you see her as more than a friend, then you owe it to her and to yourself not to take things any further. Your feelings won't just magically change, and you shouldn't be with somebody you only see as a friend. Nor, for that matter, does anybody deserve to be in love with somebody who secretly only thinks of them as a friend.

At the same time, though, maybe there are deeper feelings, and that is part of why you are getting confused. Maybe you are starting to see her as more than just a friend. Again, only you can really decide that. I wish I could help, or others on the board could help more. We can only really offer our thoughts and advice. Ultimately you must decide what is best. Good luck. I hope you do figure it out soon.