Heartbroken and need some helpful advice

[blueorchid]

Peoples honest replies would really help me try to decide what to do here. I am a 40 year professional woman and fell for a colleague of mine who's wife had left him, in fact she had an affair during the marriage and wound up with moving in with her boss when the marriage ended.
There was a period of 9 months before my bf and I started dating...and it was fantastic, he was so good to me, so caring generous and kind, we both very much have enjoyed each others company. I went into the relationship with an understanding that the two of them were amicable...I was okay with occasional contact. I started to notice pattern of phone calls and texts messages from her that really started to make me uncomfortable. Daily contact, if he did not answer his cell phone, she would call his landline...send 4 or 5 texts in a row if she did not get a response, calling at 9:30 at night when we would be in bed. Always wanting to know what he was doing at the moment and what his plans were for the next day. This eventually got to me and I ended it as I was shocked with what she was doing even though she had moved on with her life with a new guy. I spoke with my bf and he swore up and down that they were just friends, but I was uneasy about it and ended it. A month or so after that we tried to talk things through and he had told me that he told her she needed to stop calling and texting. It worked for a while, but then it started up again. We would go away and she would be texting, we would go out for dinner and she would be calling or texting. We went on vacation and she showed up with her boyfriend for the day, and walks around crying because her ex husbands family is not receptive to her. My bf's daughter is 20 there really is no reason for any of the constant contact, there is no young children involved here. Then it came to her calling wanting my bf to be Mr. Fix it for her and her boyfriends restaurant business, and my bf started doing what she wanted.
She would snap her fingers and he would do it.
My bf bought me a ring and we were getting serious...potentially moving in together was the plan. I tolerated this and put my own feelings aside because I very much cared for him and did not want the dynamics of the relationship to change. However the last straw for me was the last time he took me for dinner, he dropped me off, said he was going home, I felt quite uneasy so I text him and it took 15 mins for him to text me back and he said he was at his friends house...I almost felt sick to my stomach...I got in my car and drove down the street and sure enough he was at his ex-wifes. She was the only one home. I was devastated...and I made him aware right away that I knew where he really was. He tells me she invited him in for coffee when he went to pick up the dog and the reason he lied to me was because he knew I would be upset. I felt cheated and deceived and I was so hurt...I could not wrap my head around the fact that this man was making all these future plans with me, spending so much money on us as a couple and now lying on top of the ex-wife troubles that already existed. Why would a man risk a really good potential future with someone loyal, honest, fun, hardworking and promising for someone who was not faithful and with someone else? I ended it again as I felt that it was too much to cope with and I am also protecting myself from getting hurt...he did not try to fix the situation either and that hurt me quite badly. Almost 2 months have gone by now but Im still having a difficult time with it. I had arranged to meet with him and talk this upcoming weekend. I know this is a long post...I appreciate whoever has taken the time to read it and any suggestions would really help me, really stumped with this

[TablesandChairs]

It is not acceptable for him to have such regular contact with his ex wife; he's not over it because if he was, there is no way he would jeopardise what he has with you over some woman who cheated on him. At best, a few texts during holiday periods or about their daughter or joint finances (if they have any). The rest is him being her lap-dog and disrespecting you. Your initial response (anger and doubt) were right-on. He has a choice - either he continues being his ex wife's dish on the side or he chooses you.

[blueorchid]

Thanks very much I appreciate you taking the time to give me the input. Im just trying to get an idea how other people feel on this, I have not came across a problem like this before

[kp15]

I've been in a situation like this before & I know how you feel. There could be numerous reasons for this. I think your boyfriend never got the closure that he needed with his ex wife and the feelings are still there. It could also be that he is keeping his wife around just in case things don't work out with you. If you want to work things out, his ex needs to be completely out of the picture for good. If he can't do that, move on. At the end of the day, you don't want to give your all to someone who can only give half of themself to you and the other half to thier ex wife.

[blueorchid]

Thanks for the reply Kp15, I think you are right that he has some things that need to be worked through. I do find it very emotionally draining on my end, and the saying goes that we certainly do have to make our emotional health a priority.