Long post: difficult relationship

[milk]

hi, i am new to this site and i need to get some perspective because i dont know where to go. sorry for long post.

i have been with my bf 3 yrs and we live together. he is my first serious relationship but he was married before and has a young child. when we first got together i thought i was infertile so i swore i didnt want kids. however i always wanted marriage, and as the relationship progressed i found that i actually can have kids and began to want one with him one day. about 1.5 yrs into our relationship he revealed he does not want kids or marriage, which surprised me at the time and ever since he has always maintained that he either won't, or isn't sure, if he could ever give those things so I should leave.

the thing is i dont believe he really knows what he wants right now because the relationship is difficult with fighting and differences. we are both quiet people but im emotionally open and very analytical/thoughtful, while he is extremely reserved and prefers to communicate with jokes/pranks/antics etc. it can be hard for us to have a serious conversation, and sometimes i have to raise my voice to get him to pay attention and stop messing around - this can lead to fights. most of the time i just accept how he is. since we moved in together he has stopped saying "i love you" without being prompted and he has often withheld physical affection except in the bedroom and i have struggled to understand this. at first he said it must be that he has lost interest/doubts me, but he seems to slowly be working on things and realising that it's a choice to put in effort. his family say he has "never spoken for himself" and has always been shut off. there is also a lot of mental illness in his family, mother has chronic major depression, 2 of his 3 sisters have serious mental & personality disorders. mostly my bf is rational/healthy but occasionally i have to pull him up on some twisted and only semi-logical thoughts he shares (which he does, when he decides to open up which it seems is only with me and still not often). because of how closed off he is he refuses to ever get individual or couples therapy, which makes things harder.

its also hard with his child sometimes, even though hes a good dad and im great with his kid, we often butt heads about parenting/step-parenting roles. i take on most of the responsibility but he doesnt want me to do certain parts of the disciplining/decision making. at times i dont know how im supposed to act and other times i just have to take initiative but it might not be what he wanted. he also steps on my toes a lot when he finally does decide to act, by changing plans or routines or not backing me up on discipline etc. these things tend to lead to a lot of arguments as well. when we argue there are often times where he says that he doesnt care if the relationship ends, but usually when things are good he says that he really does care about me and wants to live peacefully together.

regarding marriage and children, his family think he will change his mind one day. although i want to believe him and not to doubt him, out of love and respect, i am not really sure what to think. deep down i really believe that he is the man i'd marry and have kids with if/when he stops being so skittish and non-committal. there is a side of him that i see and that i've loved since day one which is just pure masculinity and compassion, coupled with a deep and private relationship with himself that gives him quiet confidence but which nobody else is allowed to observe. it's hard to explain, but the most vulnerable parts of him are forever hidden and yet i feel their presence and understand him almost instinctively. it would be just as easy for someone else to think that he feels nothing, and he would probably quite happily accept that description of himself.

its hard for him to open up, and ive spoken with his family as i am close with them and we all think he's just unsure. he's very successful and strong in his career and goals, but when it comes to relationships with friends and family he is known as the reserved person who gets along with everyone because he never speaks his mind and limits himself to small talk or inappropriate jokes. he's a hard person to love, and sometimes i don't know how to tell him that it takes every bit of me to love him properly but that makes me more sure of how i feel.

the only thing is this doubt in the back of my mind that maybe he doesn't care that much, maybe he's telling the truth with me and is genuinely apathetic about the future of the relationship, maybe he will do everything in his power over time to avoid marriage and kids and that he's too afraid to ever get that close to someone or have to open up that much, maybe he doesnt want to share his life with someone enough that he'd make sacrifices the way i do. maybe he has a mental/personality disorder lurking in there that is part of this walling-off stance he takes towards people.

often times he says that the relationship with me is difficult, but i never understand why it's me that's difficult. i am open and i always want to know more how i can help him, and it requires conversation and real talk which is hard for him. is it normal for him to want me to do away with those things? is it normal for him to want me to be like him, reserved and unmoved? he says that i seem to always find fault with him or that i always want to argue, but its not true - it's just that i get hurt sometimes when i want more from him than he naturally will give. it's almost like a child that i have to train him how to love me, how to show respect and affection and how his actions affect me. and still his playful non-serious nature always prevails. i love him unconditionally... but do i love him properly? or does he need something else?

if you have read this far, i thank you very much and wish you happiness and harmony over the holiday season

[kp15]

I have been with a man with very similar characteristics and its hard. He was very playful and loved to joke as well which made it hard to have serious conversations. So when I tried to have serious conversations it usually ended in an argument and I would feel bad about so i stopped trying to have serious conversations. So then there became things that I wanted to say but I felt uncomfortable saying it and I slowly started to resent him for it. I won't go in to every detail about our relationship but some of the characteristics are so similar and I think you and this guy dont want the same things & that's okay to some extent but if he says he doesn't want to get married that's your cue to leave. I thought the whole point of a relationship is to find someone you want to marry. He sounds like he isn't ready to be tied down right now. And as much as you might not want to, it's time to have a conversation about where you stand with him but I don't see this guy as being someone you will spend the rest of your life with.