My girlfriends ex is dead but still a huge part of her life

[jvillena7]

My girlfriends ex died two years ago, but he remains a big part of her life. In fairness, they were friends for much longer than they were in a relationship. They were friends in high school, dated for a little bit (less than a year around the age of 20), then broke up and remained extremely close friends afterwards. She's 27 now and he died two years ago. She took his death extremely hard and still does. She continues to mention great times they used to have (as friends) and his pictures are all around her apartment. She remains very close with his family and intends to remain this way forever.

We've been dating for 6 months but have known each other for much longer. I love her so much and I know she feels the same way about me, but this situation really bothers me. I can't tell if I'm being selfish or normal to feel this way. I know they didn't date long at all compared to how long they were friends, but all I see when I see his picture is a guy that used to bang my girlfriend. I'm kind of a jealous person by nature (not over the top or anything like that) so I hate having to see that everywhere. He's been her phone background for two years so every time she opens her phone, I see his picture.

Am I being incredibly selfish here? I want to be considerate here. It bothers me to have to see the pictures all the time, but she lost a close friend. My feelings must be less than nothing compared to her loss. I haven't told her how I really feel about all this because I feel bad. Am I being a jealous little bitch that should get over this, or should I talk to her about how it bothers me that this guy is such a huge part of her life?

[smackie9]

She needs to understand that it's OK to let him go and put the photos away in an album and move on. Many who don't move on is because they feel a lot of guilt. Talk to her about it, and find out what that guilt is that is making her hang on.

If it's too difficult I would suggest she go find a grief counselor to work her though the process.

[TheEvilJester]

To be honest, I am not sure where I sit as far as your main point in asking this. I will say this, though.... You are NOT being a "jealous little bitch." You have a right to feel the way you are feeling. Regardless of what happened, the guy is still her ex, so it is awkward for you to have to hear about him, see his pictures, etc.

But, it is a bit of a trickier situation due to the fact that he passed away. It is a little more understandable to still be hung up on somebody when they are a friend who passed away. It's very likely that she more so is still hung up on him as a friend, not as her former boyfriend. Otherwise, she probably wouldn't be with you.

It is also hard to say how long somebody should take to get over the death of somebody for whom they deeply cared. Two years is long enough that you'd think she'd move on, but you can't dictate how somebody else deals with loss. Maybe they were close enough as friends that the loss really did mean a lot to her. All the same, I definitely agree that she needs to begin to move on, more so for her own well-being than anything else.

It would be best for her to store his pictures away somewhere, change her phone background, etc. She does need to do that at her own pace, though. I would certainly not suggest forcing her. But, she really should start to do it. How is she supposed to move on if she has constant reminders? Time heals all wounds. We never fully heal from the loss of somebody we cared for deeply, but in time that wound does at least stop hurting anew.

I suppose all you can really do is be there for her, and try to help her to help herself, so to speak. If she cannot seem to move on, try to encourage her to get help to do so.

Frankly, (and I hope it never has to come to this) if she never seems to make any progress then it may actually be best for you to move on from the relationship. Don't get me wrong, that is absolutely a last resort, but at the same time you deserve (as does anybody, for that matter) somebody who will appreciate you and what they currently have, both in their life in general and with you specifically. Hopefully you never have to get to that point. I can imagine, no matter how justified, you'd still feel really bad having to leave somebody for a reason like that.

Like I said, though, I think for now you just be supportive and try to help her move on. Good luck!

[woody]

Okay. Well your not being selfish i.m.o or a jelly lil "B". It's natural but you should talk to her. Better to talk to her and be honest, just like you were with us. Tell her you get the respects and understand full well the amicable approach, the continued connection with his Family, you get it all. The only thing urking you is like you said, "but all I see when I see his picture is a guy who use to bang my girlfriend" Tell her that. She'll get it and appreciate the full truth truth. You may find not all the pics disappear but I bet once she 'gets' how you feel, they will be more strategically placed, off the beaten paths if you get what I mean.

Being jealous of an ex no longer living is a rough road. You can't compete with a ghost nor should feel the need to. Talk to her, tell her the whole truth, keep it calm, respectful, compassionate and hope she returns the sentiment.

[TablesandChairs]

She's not dealing with her grief healthily, nor is she giving herself a chance to move on because she has constant reminders of her friend around the house, on her phone...one of the first things I did when my nan passed away is remove her photos from around the house - they just sparked even more sadness. After 2 years, she doesn't need to feel guilty for getting on with her life; it doesn't mean she's forgotten him - it just means that it's time to start living in the present.

[TheEvilJester]

You can't compete with a ghost nor should feel the need to.

The Ghostbusters do it every day. :-P

.....God, I'm such a nerd. LOL!

[woody]

The Ghostbusters do it every day. :-P

.....God, I'm such a nerd. LOL!

Yes you are! tehehehehe.

and thank goodness for that.