He has stopped making an effort

[Gymgirl71]

Dating this guy exclusively I would say 1.5 months and talking total of 2. At first, we would text nonstop day to night almost everyday. Then it tapered off. Normal. At first, he was the always asking to see me then I asked him a couple times so he seemed to become pretty lax. I get extreme anxiety over texts and try to have these serious convos and last 2-3 weeks been firing off novels & gunfire texts so he has been responding but sometimes hours later.

So I backed off. This week he has not asked to see me so I left it alone. Stopped giving him attention. Then he calls me we talk a few min and he mentions meeting up. So I say ok let me know. Well he gets all offended saying it doesn't sound like I want to. I say yes I do I only said to let me know when. Then he texts me last night because I didn't say goodnight. Clearly he's not happy I put the ball in his court.

He has not made much effort at all so I don't feel I should be giving him any attention until he starts showing more of an effort.

Thoughts? I know I chased him so he probably thinks he doesn't have to try

[Wakeup]

My thoughts are that he's not that into you or.... you're so busy playing games that he's not sure that you even care so he, like you has backed off.

If you had to chase him to be with you then I suggest to you that its the former... he's just not all that into you.

Rather then back off and play more games I suggest that you break up with him and while you're single you read the book "He's Just Not That Into You." It's a bit of a fluff read but it certainly does clearly illustrate how, those that needed to chase, more times then not, ended up without the one they chased. BTW: That goes for a guy that has to do all the chasing as well.

If a guy is into you, you'll find that you don't need to chase much but it is rather a fine dance where you both want to be with one another and neither one of you has to guess how the other is feeling.

[Gymgirl71]

Well I wasn't playing any games, I felt like I was doing too much of the work. I think when your on the same page the relationship flows easily and the fact that he had reduced contact this much tells me he isn't that into it. If he was he would be making time for me, etc. I got frustrated and stopped contacting him because it felt one sided & lol I wsd doing most of the work. Then low and behold he texts me whining because I haven't. But if he isn't going to make a consistent effort I'll move on. I know my own worth.

[Wakeup]

. I know my own worth.

Perhaps yes, you do but you certainly need a lesson or two in how to communicate. If you like this boy enough to chase him into going out with you then why didn't you just have a conversation with him about his lack of effort and how that made you feel and then see if he stepped it up (instead of playing a game of not putting in any effort yourself? And yes, doing what you did was a game)

Anyway. Up to you whether you think he's worth actually communicating to or not so I'll leave that grown up thing to do, up to you.

Good luck to you no matter what you decide to do with him.

[Gymgirl71]

I didn't chase him into going out with me. He pursued me. I told him that I'm concerned about the lack of communication, etc and he told my he's busy with work. I can understand that, but he had no issue sending me a text before to say Hello or good morning or what have you. I'm not making him chase. I am the one who initiated yesterday and I don't think it's fair for it to be up to me everyday.

[Wakeup]

Thoughts? I know I chased him so he probably thinks he doesn't have to try

Then why say that ^^^ and then tell us that he's not putting in any effort which gives the impression that you are the one that is doing and has done the pursuing?

Anyway, it's not fair and if you truly know your worth you'll dump him for not showing you he values you too. Like I said, you may want to communicate to him how you're actually feeling about his lack of showing you that he values you first and thereby giving him a chance to remedy. If he doesn't improve on his apathy towards you and the relationship after an open discussion ... well then, Next him.

[Gymgirl71]

I did express the lack of communication with him recently & he did call and apologize if he's been distant. Apparently, something to do with work. Im giving him a little space & see if he comes around. If not, I'll have to move on.

[Wakeup]

Good luck... hope it works out for you and he'll come around once the thing at work is less time consuming.

[TheEvilJester]

Many times, I say that we cannot comment in full without being closer to the situation. I definitely think that is the case here. If you may have unintentionally gone kind of nuts on him, then my thoughts may be different. (I think we've all been there, being over-eager with somebody we are into and kinda shooting ourselves in the foot by over-doing it.)

However, going based just on what you told me, I'd kind of wonder if he was nuts, to be honest with you. So, you have to basically go out of your way to be the one to initiate contact all the time..... then when you get tired of doing it so you ease up a little HE gets upset with YOU and acts like you aren't interested?! How does that make any damn sense?

He needs to show some initiative as well, and he can't just expect to throw you a small bone now and then and think that it makes him awesome. Sounds to me like this guy is more drama than he is worth. Again, not being closer to the situation, I cannot say for sure. I would say proceed with caution. Maybe still contact him sometimes, but definitely not near as much as you have. Back off a little and see if he makes the effort to fill in the gaps. If not, then maybe he doesn't deserve you. You deserve somebody who will be excited to talk to you/get together with you. Obviously everybody has lives outside of their significant other as well. You certainly cannot expect somebody to be at your beck and call 24/7. At the same time, though, they need to show some damn interest or why bother?

Good luck to you.

[Gymgirl71]

Yes I thought it was a bit off and seems like a game. He is a 43 year old man behaving like a boy or he has some major insecurity issues. I'm not cutting him off (yet) but I expect equal effort. Bread crumbs won't keep me around. But we will see if he steps up to the plate. I'm keeping my options open & if he makes a real effort then maybe I'll give him a chance. Right now, just seems like a waste of my time and too much of a headache to even bother.,

[basilandthyme]

Wow - with the reliance on text, I thought the two of you were teens or 20's. Hon, the two of you are old enough to learn to have real conversations instead of confusing each other with texts - or lack thereof.

[TablesandChairs]

He sounds annoying.

Pick up the phone and make plans with the woman you're dating. If not to make plans, then just to chat. It's not that hard. Unless he's...a dud. In which case you're better off moving on.

Hard to say because I don't know what you two have built thus far - does he have any particularly good characteristics?

[TheEvilJester]

Agree with basil here. I had assumed you two were younger. He's WAY too old to be acting like such a child. With this new information, I'd almost be tempted to tell you just to forget this guy completely. Still, I suppose if you want to, there is no harm in still leaving the option open. Just ease back a little and see if he reaches out. You are definitely correct that "bread crumbs" are not enough. He needs to show actual interest. You shouldn't always have to be the one to go out of your way to make contact. Granted, some people can just be a little socially awkward, but you need to learn to get over that. You can't get much more socially awkward than this here Evil Jester, but I've learned to work around that because I am aware of my own issues.

Good luck to you. I hope you find the guy you deserve, whether this guy steps up and becomes that fella, or it turns out to be some other strapping lad you have yet to meet.

On a side note, I very much agree with TablesandChairs as well. It is fine to initially discuss stuff via text message, but I think making actual plans for a date is something you should AT LEAST discuss on the phone. At least once you've gotten to the point of regular dates.

[woody]

Yup, guy sounds like a flake who ought know better by this age but he doesn't so following your gut (as your doing) seems the right path to choose here.
Too many good men out there to spend on an emotionally stunted wishy washy 40 some odd year old man/boy who doesn't seem to grasp the basics of wooing a lady.

[jenniferaniston]

Move on , think about yourself be happy.