Should my girlfriend be making more effort with me?

[Visforvampire]

Hi guys, I'm new here.

I've been with my girlfriend for 3 months now, but I'm starting to fear we may be encountering communication problems that need to be resolved. I'm 24 and she's 20.

My girlfriend is a very shy, laid-back and introverted person. Consequently, she very rarely shows her feelings towards me. She's even admitted herself that she's very 'stoic.' At first I saw this is a good quality as it meant her emotions are always in check - the last thing I need is someone who's constantly clingy and emotional.

But now I'm starting to worry as I'm getting virtually no affection from her at all. She rarely instigates conversations by text when we're apart or says she misses me, for example. If I don't contact her then after a few days I might get an impersonal "hi how are you" message, but lately our conversations have started to dry up. There's nothing to talk about other than work and her friends and I hate to admit that it's making me become bored. It just feels like we aren't connecting the same way anymore. What's bothering me the most, however, is that she very rarely asks to meet up, leaving me to do all the work - and she lives literally a minute's walk away down the road, to add insult to injury.

At first I didn't mind too much - after all, in the initial stages of dating it's all part of the fun of the chase. But now we're in a relationship I feel like she should be making more effort, and her lack of contact is making me feel very insecure and unwanted. I can't work out if it's her inherent personality, a lack of interest or her being less invested in the relationship than I am. Surely things should feel more equal in a relationship?

I've noticed she has a particularly close relationship with her mother, which could be partly to blame as I believe she spends more time going out on daytrips and on holiday with her mother than the average person of her age. Her mother doesn't see her father all that often due to different working times, so it's almost as if she has become more dependent on my girlfriend to fill the void.

I've been wanting to talk to her about it, but I've put it off over the past month as she's been heavily stressed with university work and exams. I tried to be understanding and support her as best as I could. Now all her work was over, I was hoping things would turn around. It feels like we've barely seen each other for the past month or so, so I was hoping she would show more interest at this point now she's free.

But if anything these past couple of weeks have been worse. Last week following her exams I bought her flowers and treated her to an expensive meal to cheer her up and show that I cared and know what it's meant for her. And yet instead of showing appreciation and making me feel loved and wanted we've had the usual pattern ever since: no contact for days followed by a "hi how are you" check-in message. Except this time I've not asked to meet up as I want to see how long it takes her to show the initiative.

I should also mention we have quite difficult schedules to work with, which doesn't help either. I work full time and she works on weekends. So if we meet on a weekend evening it's usually only for a couple of hours or so as she becomes too tired and needs to be up early. Again, she's worth it to me so I don't mind staying a bit longer on weeknights but it doesn't seem to bother her when she needs to go early. We also both still live with our parents so it's difficult to stay round each other's house for the night. It's all become very frustrating for me considering how close we live to each other.

Despite all the negatives, I am very into her. She's a very nice, elegant and genuine girl that is rare to come by, so I don't want to lose her if I can help it.

Should I ask her to try and make more of an effort with me? If so, how do I do that without insulting her and looking needy? Any input would be much appreciated.

[Am I crazy?]

Take a good look at this girls mother and what type of person she is because your girlfriend is basically turning into her mother. You don't want to be in a relationship where you are competing for time with her mother, you will always lose. She might be a great girl, just not for you.

[Cerby]

You're not compatible. You want her to be someone she isn't, and if you tell her that, it will make you appear as the emotional and clingy one. You like her, and she probably likes you, but you are seeing the relationship differently.

I'd recommend you just bring it up, ask how she feels about things, and see if she gets you pov. If not, then compatibility might be a dealbreaker here.

[basilandthyme]

There's nothing wrong with her - you are simply incompatible.

[michelle23]

ya the honeymoon period as faded and the cracks are beginning to show (which is normal in any relationship). however it should not be this frustrating. sounds to me like you are too different and not right for each other.

you could try talking to her once and see if anything changes but if your still unhappy in a months time-realize shes not the one for you and end it. pointless dragging it out just coz shes nice and elagant. plenty more good ones like that who youll have more in common with