No sex, no talking.

[rxwoman]

Hi fellas,
I'm at a loss here and my fiance' won't talk to me.
Basically here it is.

I caught him sexting other women. He only does it when he's drunk, but..
What's worse is even though he says he finds me desirable, we rarely have sex now.
We are in a long distance relationship, and when we are a apart he blows up my phone constantly, texting, sexting and wanting phone sex.
As soon as we are in the same place ( I'm spending the winter with him) he ignores me and sleeps on the couch.

This spring I caught him sexting some woman who lives in another state. We settled it and got over and he promised never to contact her again.
Then Monday night he told me she texted him out of the blue. turns out HE texted HER several days before saying he wanted to see her, and the Monday text was her response.

WTF fella's? What am I doing wrong? He says he loves me and proposed on Christmas.
What's worse is I tried to swallow my hurt and asked him to talk about it.
He would rather ignore me.

So here I am searching for an explanation. Any advice??

[basilandthyme]

So sorry that you've found yourself in this situation. But Hon, there are so many alarm bells going off here: Him cheating (sexting other women is cheating!) and not being interested in you at all when you're together. Unless you plan on having a long distance marriage, you've now got a glimpse of your future.

I can't see that you're doing anything wrong. It's more likely that he's aroused by distance but can't be bothered in real life. Given that he loves distance sex with you and is also into distance sex with other women, I'd say that he's gotten far too used to using his right hand and a phone to get off. It almost sounds like some type of addiction. The real thing doesn't do it for him anymore.

But even if (for arguments sake) you are doing something to annoy him, his way of dealing with it is unacceptable on so many levels. As he won't talk with you, the decision forward is all yours. Unless he comes on board with talk of change, you MUST assume that what you've got now is what your married life will be: Cheating and lack of attention and affection.

My suggestion is for an ultimatum. Tell him that this cannot continue and either things must change (and he seeks help) or the relationship ends. At any rate DO NOT MARRY HIM until this is all sorted out.

[rxwoman]

Ugh that's hard to hear. But thank you for the advice.

[Wakeup]

Seems by what little you've written that he's addicted to masturbating to text and voices over the phone and finds the actual thing less exciting.

If I were you, I'd break up with him and find someone where you live. If you marry this chump then you're just volunteering to be in a life of more of the same that he's giving you now (only worse).

He won't even talk to you about it because he knows it's an addiction and he doesn't want to face any negative consequences of his actions. If you don't leave him, then you just enable him and give him zero motivation to change a thing.

He's not a good life partner. Maybe if you leave him he'll learn a lesson about his "lifestyle" not being acceptable and he'll get the help he needs to stop it. Tell him to call you when he graduates sex addiction rehab.

[rxwoman]

Hi Wakeup,
wow. The word addiction comes up yet again.
I'm a substance abuse/behavioral health nurse and I still didn't see it.

thanks for your input.

[basilandthyme]

rxwoman, now that we've mentioned the word addiction, can you identify it in him? I just ask because you live with him and know the patterns. We're just guessing.

If it's not addiction, then I guess we're looking at the word "choice" to describe his behaviour.

[michelle23]

Why do you keep giving him chances? Hes proved time and time again you cannot trust him.. why are you still there?

[woody]

Leave him. Sorry to be blunt but sounds like a bad situation so I'd have to ask, why you putting up with this?
Guy's got red flags all over him and your walking right into it so again, I have to ask, why the heck are you tolerating this?
I suggest leaving and changing your number. Delete this guy from your life, regain allot more self respect, continue ditching the prick and move on.

Work on you right now. ASk your self some tough questions and put things into perspective. Staying with an asshole outta fear of being alone is NOT a good reason to stay. Okay? You must know there are many good men out there. Too many to waste on a piece of work like this.
Here's hoping when you leave next time to go back home, you remember who you are and what you will and will NOT tolerate and hold to it.
Self love Lady, self respect, strength to you

[rxwoman]

Wow,
So those are my options? Leave or put up with it?
Harsh.

Why am I still here? Because I love him. He's a good guy, with some issues ( like all of us).
I guess I was hoping for some help with how to fix it or work things out. Or maybe just to vent. I'm kind of isolated out here.

There's always that point that everyone gets to eventually if things do not get better. I must not be there yet.

Thanks everyone for your input.

[basilandthyme]

The 'leave or put up with it' thing is because we can't change another person. Only he can change himself. And change must be because he WANTS to change - and not because he's doing it for you. However, at this point in time it doesn't sound like he wants to change.

Apply your addiction knowledge to this and look at it from an outsider's point of view. What would you advise someone else coming to you for professional help?

[woody]

Well if there's love involved I guess you'd have to, well, he'd have to get to the root of why he does this. If he knows it hurts you, he'd want to figure out why he does it too.
If he knows it hurts you yet continues, well, hey, it is your life.
sorry your suffering a little with this one.

[michelle23]

Wow,
So those are my options? Leave or put up with it?
Harsh.

Why am I still here? Because I love him. He's a good guy, with some issues ( like all of us).
I guess I was hoping for some help with how to fix it or work things out. Or maybe just to vent. I'm kind of isolated out here.

There's always that point that everyone gets to eventually if things do not get better. I must not be there yet.

Thanks everyone for your input.

Well what hes doing is cheating whether you want to admit that to yourself or not. Your self worth must be low if this is your idea of "love". Relationships are supposed to make you happy. That is my idea of love and honestly if I was being rejected regularly while he gets off to some other girl.. I would be long gone with a new man who wants me

[geekgetsgirl]

My friend of mine was addicted to sexting with different women, it's a terrible thing. You will not be able to help him overcome his addiction and cheating ways. That is something he needs to work out on his own.

It's clear he has no respect for you. I'm sorry but I agree with the other people who have replied. You need to leave him.

[truegent]

It sounds like an addiction to me as well. The only way you can help him is if he is open to being helped. He needs to accept that he is addicted to sexting and phone sex etc and decide that he wants to give it up. If he doesn't want to stop then you will still be stuck with him sleeping on the sofa and doing all the same things he does in ten years from now. Sorry if this sounds harsh.

[Wakeup]

Wow,
So those are my options? Leave or put up with it?
Harsh.

Why am I still here? Because I love him. He's a good guy, with some issues ( like all of us).
I guess I was hoping for some help with how to fix it or work things out. Or maybe just to vent. I'm kind of isolated out here.

There's always that point that everyone gets to eventually if things do not get better. I must not be there yet.

Thanks everyone for your input.

"You must not be there yet" Then check out everything you can on codependency and educate yourself. You don't seem to have a good set of personal boundaries in place so you accept behaviour that is less then what anyone who loves themselves would put up with. Being in the field you are, you should know about codependency.

It would be acceptable to all of us if you choose to stay and were actually not caring that he does what he does but it's hard to read that you're not happy but you choose to stay anyway. That's not love but rather addiction to having him in your life and afraid to go through the withdrawl pains that leaving him will bring out in You. Perhaps some therapy with a therapist where you work who is proficient in codependency and with those who have a habit of wanting to caretake (the dysfunctional opposite of caregive) can help you overcome?

Just what does this man have to do for you to reach your particular rock bottom? You're as addicted to him as he is to jerking off to the enticement of other woman through electronic means.