To Stay or To Go?

[Is-It-Just-Me]

LONG POST; SORRY BUT I NEED TO GIVE BACKGROUND TO GET GOOD ADVICE

My bf and I started out as friends from work. When I wanted to celebrate my one-year Anniversary for having moved to this city, I invited him to the movies as "just friends" and he agreed to go. After the movie, as part of the "getting to know you" chitchat, he told me about his "philosophy", which boils down to polyamory - having more than one wife. I really didn't think anything of it since I was crushing on someone else at the time and didn't see "B" in that light...About three months later, my crush let me know he didn't see me like that, so, feeling wounded, I went in search of a fwb and decided to try it with B. Being a red-blooded male, he went for it and I thought all would good, as I figured feelings wouldn't get involved due to my knowledge of his philosophy and my disagreement with it. FFwd about three more months and I'd fallen in love with him and he with I. Against my better judgement, I agreed to "share" him, but it didn't seem I had anyone to share with.

Now, 18 months later, I love him dearly and know he loves me. However, I've struggled all this time due to knowledge of his philosophy, which I've been sure would lead to heartbreak on my end. Still, since we seemed to be living monogamously, I kept going. During this time, he's been very good about reassuring me that he's not interested in anyone else nor looking for anyone, as I keep him blissfully happy. I've had no reason to disbelieve him, as I don't think he'd be honest enough to tell me about the philosophy and then lie about living it...

Now, two days ago, he left his cell phone here when he went to work (we live together and I work nights); unable to help myself, I peeked in it. And found, in the Draft box, a text to a female he works with. He basically said he thinks she's cute and that he'd like to go out. He also admitted he has a gf and he doesn't dislike his gf and things aren't going bad, "but I just...Well" and that's where it ended. Since it's in his Drafts, he didn't send it, I know, but I also don't know if he sent a diff copy instead. Still, my bf is very smart and if he was thorough enough to delete all In and Sent texts and calls between him and her, he wouldn't have missed the Draft.

So now I'm beside myself. I tried to break up with him yesterday morning, but since I didn't want to admit what I'd done, I just said it was cuz I can't live with his philosophy anymore. He said he still believes in it, but is not pursuing it, nor does he intend to, as he's happy with me alone. Friends say to believe him and quit stressing since he didn't Send it. They say he probably thought about what he was doing and thought better of it. Not wanting to cop to what I did, I'm trying to go with that, as it makes sense, but I'm still heartbroken. True, we were still technically living under our "agreement" at that time, but it still hurts...Anyhow, I agreed to stay with him, under our new agreement. But I'm struggling aLOT. Part of me wants to leave cuz I just can't get beyond him going through the trouble of drafting that, even if he didn't send it, cuz it means he liked (likes?) her that much. But part of me wants to stay, to continue on under our new agreement, and to believe him saying I won't regret it.

Short of confessing what I did to get his explanation - that's totally NOT an option; we'd be toast for sure, then - what do I do now? Any advice would be muchly appreciated. Thanx.

[TablesandChairs]

What do you expect from a relationship?

Do you expect 100% loyalty and monogamy? Do you expect your partner to WANT to be monogamous to you? Because this guy was honest with you early on. I've met polyamorists and they are usually very honest; it's not their intention to live a life of lies but they have a specific belief/need/want that they know is not compatible with a lot of people out there.

So, 18 months down the track you've developed feelings and he hasn't 'strayed' so in your mind, it may as well be monogamy. But for how long? Remember - sex can't stay new and super-exciting forever between a couple...and when things die down and routine sets in...what then? Polyamorists like to experience other people sexually...they think monogamy is stifling and that sex can be had with multiple people without a strong emotional attachment necessarily - for the experience of connecting with others.

Now...that's good and well if both people are on the same page. But you're not...and eventually, the issue will rear its ugly head one way or another. He'll meet someone he feels he 'must' connect to and so forth. The good news is, most women don't love the idea of sleeping with someone else's boyfriend...but some will be okay with a no-strings-attached type thing so an opportunity WILL arise eventually. This message in his draft inbox - did he not send it because he's decided to become monogamous? Or did he not send it because he thought better of it - that this other woman would be unlikely to respond favourably to the fact that he has a partner and maybe rumours might start flying at work and so forth...

I dunno...tough choice. It's not something I could ever be okay with personally so I'd leave, hard as it might be, and save myself the grief.

[michelle23]

I personally could not be with someone who believes in polygamy.. that would be a huge deal breaker for me. You need ti decide if your okay with it or not coz you cannot change him