me and my gf of 2 years broke up, need help moving on

[thrillaveza]

Hello whoever reads this. I'm going to try to post this on both sides of the spectrum, leaving no stone un-turned.
I was with my GF for 2 years and we recently broke up. Reasons being: my lack of affection at times, her wanting to move in with me when i wasn't ready for it ( i live with my parents and i'd much rather have her move in to a place, but sadly I wasn't ready for that either), her questioning me on my commitment; for example, I'm not really looking into the future with a person right now in marriage only cause I haven't figured out what I'm doing, but she took it as if I just didn't care. Her belief is that you know when someone is the one and my belief is that things have to progress in slowly but careful manner(her parents had one of those Disney-cinematic-esque relationship, though sadly, they had some serious problems in arguing and infidelity; perhaps it's as to why she has that outlook on romance). She basically wanted things to progress fast while I wanted to cruise into things carefully, so that was probably the reason of the downfall.

She always compared love to what she had with her abusive ex-boyfriend and always compared certain things to what I did to what she was really expecting. No, it wasn't like "why don't you hit me?" or anything like that, but more with her higher standards as in like why didn't I text her almost all the time. Her Ex cheated on her, checked out other girls, was on drugs and always verbally put her down and he hit her I think twice.. So I always felt she was always right behind my back keeping tabs on me. She didn't really want me hanging with my friends whom are of the opposite sex and I felt she was overbearing and clingy. So I felt smothered a lot.

Another thing is that due to the crap in her past, she is completely insecure. I keep telling her that she has no reason to be insecure, solely because she is really beautiful (apparently I never said it a lot), talented and one of the best human beings around that I've met.
We've broke up a year ago, which lasted about 3 weeks and the reasons being the same thing. We got back together and everything was totally kosher till now. A couple of weeks ago, she wanted a break. I was fine with it, cause one of the problems I felt was that we never really got to miss each other. A lot of her time was invested in me instead of the things that she used to do, or the friends that she used to hang out with. She's 22 and she didn't have to throws those things away just to be with me. And I wanted to hang out with my friends but it was only done sparingly, such as whenever she was at work or when she had other plans. I did feel miserable seeing that my friends are doing this and that and while she never really liked my friends (her insecurities made her think that the girls in my friend circle hated her) I could only hang out at certain times. Though we were on a break we did agree to become friends with benefits. But I had to break that off cause I had two of those before and those got messy.

It eventually lead us breaking it off and I didn't feel that sad at first. In fact, I felt that it was needed. There were times in the relationship that I felt that I wasn't for her due to us arguing about the same stuff and that nothing was changing. And so I just tried to keep up with my old friends and hang out with so and so. Overall keeping myself really busy. She messaged me in anger with the fact that she believed I didn't care about us. She spoke about her crying every night and everything and I didn't have a word to say cause I honestly didn't know what to say..
She wanted to break up but then wanted me to come back to try to win her. With that, I thought that was dumb, even though I agreed with the break up, I also told her I didn't want to break up before it happened so I did find her logic weird (granted mine was no better). It wasn't until last saturday, I gave her all her stuff that she left at my house.

And that's when I realized that I lost one of the best things that has ever happened to me. To add anymore insult to injury, she started dating her EX. And I care about her deeply still but I couldn't tell her no anymore.I broke down at a restaurant in my lonesome and I couldn't have been any more sadder. It's going to be hard to cope with it and move on due to me seeing her almost every day. I just want advice on how to move on now.
Just last night, we had a gig (we are gigging musicians and we are part of a class) and she decided to bring him. That really hit hard. I felt broken down and lost, cause in all honesty, I never wanted to break up with her, but also the reason in being that I didn't want to get back with her was cause I was afraid that the problems wouldn't be solved. I'm in a terrible limbo. But all that, such as the problems she always had of me and vice versa NEVER took away how much i feel about her. I really love her.

tl;dr: Broke up with my GF of 2 years. she's back with her ex and I see her everyday, need advice/tips on moving on.

[woody]

I would imagine her bringing the 'ex' to the gig is to get under your skin. It sounds like the two of you aren't quite sure if calling it quits is the right thing to do. Your both feeling some hurts; perhaps her more than you and sometimes when people are injured they behave in ways they wouldn't normally.
Do you really want to move on?
You say she is the best person around that you've met. Ever tell her that?
Hey, if she's got these past insecurities that rear their unfortunate heads in her present due to being badly hurt by the ex, top it off with you having female friends she feels don't like her; well, that'd be tough on anyone....

Now she's gone back to old and bad patterns by bringing the ex back into her life. You must know, this is for your sake, to anger you, to make you jealous, to see the lengths to which your feelings run for her.
You need to decide if losing her completely is truly what you want.

[thrillaveza]

Thank you for posting, yeah she ran into him at a thing amongst their mutual friends and I guess he told her that he was sorry for what happened in the past. I honestly don't buy in on it. I do feel that she might come back to which then, I feel confused in feelings. Sucks cause the day I dropped off her stuff she told me that shes going to an observatory, and I asked with who and she said his name. Apparently it was a date. And that gripes me cause I felt that she didn't care. I feel that she is taking it completely wrong, I mean the man messed her up mentally, physically and emotionally.

I feel that I'm not ready to let her go as well as if we were to go back that we would just repeat the things that ruined the relationship.. But I do still love her dearly, maybe it's why I take too much time to think things through and probably why we've been back and forth.

[woody]

Well you know, 'time' always offers great space for reflection. Perhaps with this, clarity will come.
It is too bad she took things the wrong way though. You were happy on cruise control and she wished to rush. A common thing amongst some people.

Give it time. Just keep it real, stay happy and see what happens. That is really all you can do. She may be one of those great past relationships you remember fondly. You may remain friends and well, you may not. You must understand that sometimes the Universe has other things in mind; you must trust in this process...
and know this; if she falls back into old patterns of abuse with this other guy, this is not on you nor is it up to you to fix her issues. She is the only one who can realize what is healthy and what is not.