Finances, lies, and cheating are ruining my relationship!

[lonelyheartlea]

Hi guys! This is my very first post here and I'm excited to hopefully get some real grounded advice from a guys point of view.

So just like the title says I know that finances, lies, and cheating are killing my 3 year relationship with my bf whom I met in one of my college classes.

I believe Its important to tell you how we met because its part of the reason we have no trust.When we started sleeping together and hanging out(4 months later) he was in a relationship with another girl and I was about a month into a new relationship too. I had lost respect for my bf as a man. He suspected his gf of cheating on him with a very close friend. We stopped seeing each other at my request, because I couldn't stand the lying and seeking around. (I was still to selfish and cowardly to make a real confession). I stopped taking his calls. I tried my best to sweep the affair and my feelings, under the rug.

About a Month later on New Years Eve he called me late to tell me that his gf had confessed she WAS cheating with his close friend and was leaving him. The next day he showed up at the hotel my family was staying in(our house was being remodeled after a fire). He then told me, He spent the night watching the two kiss and be a loving couple. As he had traveled with her and a lot of the friends out of town for the holiday, and did not drive. Shortly after she came up pregnant.

My heart broke for him and we started seeing each other again. I was still with the same bf at the time. And so we took it up as a game of hiding away from my bf at the time. We we're secret lovers and I fell in love.

About a month or so later my family was relocated to a temporary house down the street from my new secret lover(current bf whom I living with). We spent more and more Time hiding away at my house where my granny, aunt and cousin(who had fallen into extreme depression) stayed as well. One day as we were cuddling on the bed my cousin got up and left the room and went out to the garage. We later found her swinging from the roof of the garage, When she wouldn't answer the door. I held her up so he could untie her neck. My aunt called 911 immediately, but my cousin did not survive. When the police came he told them I was his gf and we decided that night that we would no longer sneak around and lie. We cried together and he did not leave my side through the funeral and her burial. He made sure I never had to answer any hard questions and handled my relationships with friends. We confessed to my bf at the time together after he made a show of my cousin's wake because I showed up with my current bf.

We fell in love and had 4 months of pure bliss. To this day we have never spent more than a few days apart.

But when the honeymoon was over.... The flirting with other girls started. At which point, he was stuck on government assistance. His mother had gotten him diagnosed with ADHD and skyzo at a young age. His mother who was his payee at the time, took all his money and split it with his sister to let him live at her house. They took advantage of him and his sister hardly ever fed him. I took care of him and encouraged him for a year and a half until he gave up the monthly income so he could work and control his own money. He got a good Job at a wear house but had to move in with my family(after the remodeling was finished) after being kicked out of his sisters place when she decided he needed to pay more or leave.

Him working full time and me part time, we saved every penny we had and moved out on mostly his money. During that time though, I had caught him talking to several girls online and even telling one he loved them. I got locked up for a week on a warrant for a train ticket I never took care of. He was there for my mother the entire time and came to see me. Even put money on my books but went missing the day before I was supposed to go to court. I could have been locked up for a year, but the judge gave me probation. When I got home he ignored my calls until finally telling me he was in a city two hours away visiting a highschool female friend who lived with her fiance. I drove out there that night with his play sister to see the truth for myself. He let me meet the girl and her fiance but her attitude told me a different story. I went ballistic and got violent with my bf in front of her house. I had been through TOO MUCH and I snapped. We drove home without him. My family held me through my despair until the next day when I spoke to her fiance again at their home and decided to leave it as a misunderstanding since all 3 of them we're in agreement. But I have never forgotten it and I still considered it my biggest heartbreak. The feeling of sorrow and abandonment I feel when I think about it is almost as painful as the day it happened.

After we moved out, things were good until it became clear that his old habits had not stopped as I would frequently find him talking to girls he had met on the way home from work. Soon after he lost his good job from spending 30 mins in the bathroom after lunch. Apparently it was something he did often. He started working as a sign waver for an car insurance office. Soon after that I found text messages between him and 2 girls from his old. One girl saying how much she missed seeing him at work. I still have a creeping suspicion these girls had something to do with him getting fired. Since then I have use a savings my mother had for me to pay majority of the rent while his earnings have kept up with expenses, bills and the other part of the rent. Still Chance after chance year after year I was faithful to him until one of his female friends I had befriended when we got together asked to come visit me While he was at work and ended up staying the night. He treated me like everything I said was a problem and agreed with her about everything. They wanted to play beer pong and tried to pressure me into playing with them, even though they know I fall asleep when I get drunk. I refused to drink much but played along to be a good sport. In fear of being cheated on in my own house I popped a pill and pulled an all-nighter. During the night I noticed his friend asking strange questions about the boric acid(bug killer) under my sink. Later in the early hours of the morning I discovered a chalky taste in the tea I had left on the countertop but didn't pursue it until later when she was getting ready to go. The girl shot out of my house faster than lightning and didn't even stop for a hug. After informing my bf about the tea he agreed it was weird but said it was probably a prank and only powdered sugar.

He refused to believe me because he was not awake when IT happened. Feeling hurt and betrayed I swore I was done with her but he said he would not get rid of her as a friend. We got in a huge argument and he got physical, pushing me into walls and choking me. Our mother came over and got involved. Eventually he agreed to tell her to stay away. I have not heard from or seen her since.

After everything going on up until that point, I was mentally tired and fell into deep depression. I have not worked since we moved in and I know my bf resents me for that. But honestly being happy is such a fulltime job I was in no mental capacity to work.

Till one day I just woke up and started worry about me. I broke down and cheated with a guy I had met online. I felt so powerful and sexy and became addicted to the high of just talking to other men. Up until this point for a year I had no sexual desire what so ever, but it all came flooding back and I was getting high off of the anticipation of just talking to another man.

I was staying gone from home and going out with girlfriends and getting a lot of good attention from men. Soon after my bf stopped cheating and became obsessed with my every move and fixing our broken relationship. I continued to stay out late and meet men. He started crying a lot and became very sad but I didn't feel any kind of compassion and continued to act this way for a few months. Until my bf became fed up and started talking to other women online. I continued unaffected. I was in control and it felt good.

Fast forward to now. I believe we are both still talking to other people and I've grown very Cold and somewhat enjoy his pain. I feel we are in no way even, but seeing him suffer has worn on my heart and I long for the love we once shared. I miss it deeply.

It's crunch time now,and our rent money is low. I'm thinking of leaving after this months rent is paid. I feel guilty that he has taken care of me financially since we moved out up until this point. I'm thinking I will stay to help him get enough money to help him keep the apartment then leaving after the first.
We discussed it but he has refused it and wants me to stay.

what should I do?

(Ps after seeing the way karma has bitten us in the ass over this whole thing I have vowed to never enter another relationship with cheating and lies again.) this is something he and I both regret. He has expressed many times even in tears, how he wishes we would have started our relationship right and built trust, instead of breeding lies and deception.