What to do about this crisis?

[dogsandcats]

have been dating a 47 year old twice divorced father of 3. He's very successful and we've been together for about 8 months now.

We moved through our relationship very fast. He lives about 3 hours away. He wanted me to quit my career as a local news anchor - and move to his city and find work there. But, it isn't that easy in my profession. I also have a 9 year old son and he lives primarily with his dad/my ex. My ex husband works from home and he does not want our son to move. And he started a strong legal fight right away.

Anyway, my therapist believes my BF is a sociopath. He's a surgeon and he certainly shows signs from time to time. That includes screaming and threatening my ex husband telling him he will "fu** him up - if he tries to fight us in court..." My ex husband is a good father and does not deserve that.

Well, I have fought like CRAZY with this man as of late because he keeps begging me to quit my job and I promise I will -- and I haven't done so. I have planned to quit and then we get into another fight and the instability sends me right back to work. I just get so scared. And now he thinks I'm a liar because I keep promising and I don't follow through.

The issues I have surround his jealousy and my son. He does not like me visiting my son's hometown very often. He thinks once a week and every other weekend is more than enough. And he has already said that he doesn't want to end up paying my son's insurance and child support - but he still tells me to quit my job ASAP. It just doesn't make any sense because I have a lot of legal bills and while he does well - he's not a millionaire.

Anyway, here's where I see the problems come up. He is so great half the time -- we love each other's company and have an amazing connection. But, he has a huge temper. He will grab my phone and look through my text messages and emails. This is the result of him going through my phone when we were 3 months into the relationship and he found flirtatious texts I exchanged with an old friend. The guy was flirtatious -- I was not responding poorly - but I didn't shut it down. That was my fault and because of it I told him he could monitor my phone and I even agreed to having him track my iphone with location.
He also wants to be involved in my legal fight with my ex over my son - he says he needs to be because he will ultimately have to pay my bills.

Now, I have caused a lot of his jealousy because I have sometimes hidden emails from my ex etc because I don't want the fight. And that just leaves him saying that "something is weird..." between my relationship with him.

So, 1) he has a location tracker on my phone. I agreed to share location because I had nothing to hide despite his accusations I was cheating. But, he will freak out and accuse me of cheating if he can't reach me asap. He will call the business that he sees on the map to see if he can identify what I'm doing.

2) He is unstable in the morning when he gets up to go to work. Mainly, because I tested him a few times when he left for the hospital (he's a surgeon)... I told him that I would not go to my son's hometown without him (because of his jealousy fears)

Well, one morning - after I agreed to quit my job....I found out my son had the flu and I took off while my BF was in surgery. He freaked out when he saw me on the highway on his location tracker and demanded I come back. I didn't. I told him I wanted to go alone. He accused me of cheating etc. Cut off my access to money and started telling me he was done with me. He eventually said the relationship was over in hundreds of horrible text messages and when I said FINE - send me my things -- he shipped them C O D -- knowing I had ZERO money.

We obviously got back together after he apologized and said he couldn't live without me. I do love him and I went back.

But, now we are in a bad cycle. He wants me to "surrender" and quit my job for good. When I get up in the morning and prepare to go back to work he melts down. The other day he started crying - -and vomiting and screaming that he didn't want me to leave.

He had a dozen patients waiting for him and he didn't even go. He said he couldn't. Then, the next day - he performed surgery and took a break in the middle to CALL me to see if I was leaving.

I am seeing his instability, but something keeps me with him. Then last night, he asked me if I was TRULY quitting my job this week. I told him I was - but that I wanted him to realize that my quitting and moving with him (per his begging/request) without a job yet -- is the equivalent of a marriage commitment for me. I told him I needed him to be THAT SURE about me - because I need to know that he won't kick me to the curb and leave me unemployed and homeless again. He said that he can't marry me until he can be sure that we can "get along" and that I'm not running to my see my son every other day -- and leaving him alone. I blew up and said you want me to quit my 15 year career and you will "See if we can get along..."

He will not put anything in writing -- including his promises of providing me healthcare. I've asked -- he will not sign a single thing. However, now that I'm working this week 3 hours from his house -- he comes every single day to be with me -- and we either drive back to his house (6 hour daily commute!) or we stay overnight together. He says he just can't take being without me....


Part of me still wants to be with him -- but quit my job? Be away from my son? What do I do?

[basilandthyme]

Are you crazy? I only got 1/3 of the way through your message and could already see that the guy you're dating is bad news. Really, really bad news. And then it got worse.

I'm actually fearful of what he will do if you end things with him. You need to get out if this now before it gets any worse.

[dogsandcats]

thanks, Basil & Thyme for your insight.

I guess what I just don't understand is why I dont' WANT to leave. We have had HORRIBLE fights.

HORRIBLE. Screaming and yelling -- and I just don't know why I still feel I love him.

I guess I find myself so impressed with his skill and success as a surgeon and he has tried to help me get a consulting business up and running... in HIS town.

So, I feel so torn. I mean I often found myself picking HIM over spending the day with my son. I feel ashamed of that now....

[dontaskme]

I guess I find myself so impressed with his skill and success as a surgeon and he has tried to help me get a consulting business up and running... in HIS town.

So, I feel so torn. I mean I often found myself picking HIM over spending the day with my son. I feel ashamed of that now....

You're a CUNT for saying that^^^!

To choose a demented, sociopath douchebag over your son? Yep, that qualifies you to be a bitch and a cunt!

[basilandthyme]

Are you afraid of being alone? Or perhaps you're mistaking him wanting you to give up everything and go to him as a sign of his love for you?

Do you realise that even the worst relationships are aren't all bad. I think some people need for the whole thing to be shit before they leave. But it's OK to leave over just one or two things which aren't acceptable to you. That being said, the things wrong with this relationship are frightening things.

What does your counsellor say about your attachment to him?

- - - Updated - - -

Sorry about the other post in this thread dogsandcats. There are times I really miss having active moderators.

[dogsandcats]

The bad language and referring to me as a Bit*h and a Cu*t is absolutely insulting and mean.

Please avoid being hurtful. I understand you have an opinion, but my goodness that is bad.

To answer the other question -- my therapist believes I may have love addiction.

And that concerns me because I can not seem to shake this guy.

And to make matters worse, I have my ex husband who HATES my bf -- begging me back. And he does not know I'm still with him - or he has said that he will fight to make sure that my son is not around me/him. He thinks he is insane and unstable.

So- I'm trapped in this weird bondage. Unsure about what to do with my BF -- and then what to do with my ex husband...who has been a very good dad and friend. However, we had our issues too.

thanks, Basil & Thyme for your insight.

I guess what I just don't understand is why I dont' WANT to leave. We have had HORRIBLE fights.

HORRIBLE. Screaming and yelling -- and I just don't know why I still feel I love him.

I guess I find myself so impressed with his skill and success as a surgeon and he has tried to help me get a consulting business up and running... in HIS town.

So, I feel so torn. I mean I often found myself picking HIM over spending the day with my son. I feel ashamed of that now....

[dontaskme]

The bad language and referring to me as a Bit*h and a Cu*t is absolutely insulting and mean.

Please avoid being hurtful. I understand you have an opinion, but my goodness that is bad.

I guess the truth hurts ha!

Forget about your BF being the douchebag that he is, but choosing a guy over your kid? That's despicable and just plain old selfish. Maybe you should work on that issue too that you need to learn to put your son over anyone else, including yourself!

- - - Updated - - -

The bad language and referring to me as a Bit*h and a Cu*t is absolutely insulting and mean.

Please avoid being hurtful. I understand you have an opinion, but my goodness that is bad.

I guess the truth hurts ha!

Forget about your BF being the douchebag that he is, but choosing a guy over your kid? That's despicable and just plain old selfish. Maybe you should work on that issue too that you need to learn to put your son over anyone else, including yourself!

- - - Updated - - -

Love addiction? Why can't you have that same love addiction for your son? Smh.

[basilandthyme]

Dogsandcats, I'm glad you're seeing a counsellor. Frankly, the counsellor will help you far more than we amateurs. Perhaps you're here looking for someone to say that the counsellor is wrong about this man? Because you're not going to find that. He's bad news and you need to find the courage to end it.

While you're gathering the courage to end it, find the courage to tell him that NOTHING can come between you and your son. Tell him that you will not be moving away from your son and that you will see your son as often as you please. This is basic mothering - do not back away from it. Chances are he'll end it with you and save you the angst of having to make the decision.

[dogsandcats]

I am dwelling today and trying to search for the unhealthy parts of our relationship to stay strong.

So it brought me to a recent argument where he told me he calculated how much he spent on dinners and travel to see me and that was so high that he felt it contributed to the reason why making me sign a pre-nup is justified. He also said that he didn't want to pay my child support because that's not his problem. He said "were you around to pay my child support when I was struggling? No"

He said it is up to my son's dad to figure it out ... While I'm unemployed.

He also scoffed at the salary I make (195k) and said it isn't enough to support him or any of his bills ... Essentially saying my job/career is not enough.

He knew that is a weakness of mine because my ex husband was always wanting more and I left the marriage feeling like a failure.

[dontaskme]

Beside your BF being a dickwad, what is really standing out on your posts are the money issues... this guy supporting you after quitting your job, paying your health insurance, setting up a consulting business for you, cutting off your allowance when you broke up, paying child support for "your" child, etc... Very little did you voice out concern about having a possible broken relationship with your child. Why is that?

[dogsandcats]

You are correct. I have been selfish to the max. And my BF is the one now telling me that "I" am being selfish because I wanted to go to my son's soccer game at 8 am in the morning. He said that I am so selfish because I put my fears over my son's child support and visits -- ahead of our relationship.

He told me that he didn't want me to constantly be running to be my ex husband's "babysitter"....when he is traveling for work. I told him that as the mother of my son - I'm not a babysitter! He said well, if he has full custody and we are paying him child support you have to learn to say no when he needs your help. He can get a nanny.

He said "I'm sick and tired of you putting your son as a wedge in this relationship..."

I think that speaks loud and clear that no matter how much I want to put my son in this -- it's not possible.

And pleasing my BF is not as important as pleasing my son.

Beside your BF being a dickwad, what is really standing out on your posts are the money issues... this guy supporting you after quitting your job, paying your health insurance, setting up a consulting business for you, cutting off your allowance when you broke up, paying child support for "your" child, etc... Very little did you voice out concern about having a possible broken relationship with your child. Why is that?

[dogsandcats]

Let me ask this --

If a woman has to pay child support for her child - and her man asks her to quit her job -- to be with him. Shouldn't it be HIS responsibility to pay that money until the woman gets on her feet?

I keep wrestling with this -- because he says that he can not BELIEVE I would ask him to pay this money.....that it's not his problem. I had said - you are right....that's why I wanted to keep working!

He had said he couldn't continue the long distance and wanted me to quit asap. Am I wrong for expecting him to pay - if HE is the one asking me to become unemployed?

[dontaskme]

Let me ask this --

If a woman has to pay child support for her child - and her man asks her to quit her job -- to be with him. Shouldn't it be HIS responsibility to pay that money until the woman gets on her feet?

I keep wrestling with this -- because he says that he can not BELIEVE I would ask him to pay this money.....that it's not his problem. I had said - you are right....that's why I wanted to keep working!

He had said he couldn't continue the long distance and wanted me to quit asap. Am I wrong for expecting him to pay - if HE is the one asking me to become unemployed?

This is YOUR child. Any responsibility falls under YOU and your husband ALONE, not up to your BF. He can ask you to do anything in exchange for monetary support but a prudent mother would refuse to give up her rights towards her son because of money given to her in exchange for her beaver.

You need to MAN UP and accept all responsibilities towards your child and not let anyone else do the supporting for you. Your child did not choose to be born, you chose to have a child! You seem to be an educated woman and deep in your heart, you know what the correct thing to do.

Your son is not young at the age of 9. He knows what's going on. You need to choose blood over water. Once your scumbag BF is done with you, do you really want your son to disown you because you have been an absentee mother? Think about that!

And yeah, next time you go to your therapist, shift the focus from your dickwad BF to your son. Your son needs a mother more than the scumbag needs your beaver!!!!

[TablesandChairs]

I find this sad and I'm wondering if you're a lost cause. I hope not.

This man is not 'normal' and by that I mean - he is not the type of man you want to be relying on. He's controlling, possessive and very mean-spirited. The moment you lose your income, you become a slave to his demands. This is what shits him at the moment - that you have independence, at least financially. Once you say goodbye to that, you can say goodbye to your son, your freedom and whatever gains you think you'll be making...think again, I can guarantee you'll be the one losing. This guy could be making 10 million dollars a year - men like him are seldom generous and you'll hear about EVERY cent he ever gives you.

You're not listening to your therapist so maybe there's little chance of you listening to us...but come on. You have to lie about seeing your own son? How long before he prohibits that altogether? Instead of being free to see your son as often as you'd like, pursuing your career and living without the stress of having a maniac on your case...you're choosing the exact opposite. For the lure of money, which you aren't guaranteed to get...and my guess is that you won't be getting much at all. Generousity is a trait generally not possessed by people like him.

Anyway, your call. You're an adult woman who will do what she wants to do, irrespective of the opinions of therapists and posters but I hope you take a few things on board before making your decision because it would very much change the course of your life in a negative way.

[woody]

Sorry your going through this but uh, may I say, you felt the need to mention this sociopath is a 'surgeon' more than once.
Makes me wonder, if he was wasn't good with a knife on the operating tables, would you even be tolerating such behaviour?

You have your son to think of; and your ex may be an ex but you say he's a good man who surely doesn't deserve the threats this new guy is dishing out.

Knife man sounds dangerous....
If he is a true sociopath, 'charm' and manipulation tactics are innately driven. But there is no feeling there; it is all a lie. You know this already.

I think you already know what needs to be done.
good luck