Breakup from Non-Relationship and I want him back!!

[nkayyy]

So I met this guy (let's call him A) through a friend. We were introduced on a couple different occasions, but things remained awkward between us because we still hardly knew each other.

About a month ago, I decided to ask him to my sorority formal, figuring we would either hit it off or at least finally know that we weren't compatible. He said yes and we ended up having a super amazing time and totally connecting!

He texts me a couple days later and asks to hang out, so for the next couple weeks we spent a lot of time together basically going on lots of fun dates. Hiking, concerts, trail running, playing music together, lots of great conversations. At one point we even went to this concert thing with a bunch of friends and had some mild PDA--nothing but a little cuddling, but enough that people began to identify us as a couple. I must note that in all of these dates, he was the one to text me and set them up and suggest the different outings. One time I invited him to a concert, but it was on a day that we'd already been on a hike and I wanted to see the band anyway.

So last Tuesday, we went running together and then I went to hang out at his place. He told me, "guys are clueless so I just want you to know that I like hanging out with you and I want to keep doing that." It felt really sweet...I wasn't completely sure what he meant by it but the whole interaction felt good! We left with tentative plans to attend a bible study and an improv show together, but nothing actually set.

The next few days I hear nothing from him and get a little stressed. I go to the bible study on Friday and expect to see him there, but he doesn't show. I text him: "I'm at the bible study and you are not! I miss you!"... no response. Finally, ten minutes after it's supposed to end, he finally arrives. The bible study wraps up and each of us mingle with friends, then I join A and we walk over to the improv show.

After the show is over, he and I walk back towards where both of us live on campus. We chat for a bit, then he drops the bomb: "It seems like lately we've been moving toward a relationship, but I don't think I want a relationship right now." He goes on to tell me that he really liked me at first, but now he "just isn't feeling it." I found out later from a friend that A felt really bad about turning me down, and that he consulted pastors and mentor figures before talking to me. He's never been in a relationship before (he's 19, I'm 20) so it could be that he's just cautious and/or really serious about dating someone he'd want to marry... which I am as well, but since I've dated before I'm not as daunted by the idea of a relationship.

Since this "breakup" of sorts, I texted him the next day basically just telling him I had a great time and that I have no hard feelings. I've seen him around a couple times; never long enough to talk, not that I'd necessarily want to. He seems to be intentionally not liking any of my social media posts, and it's basically just no contact. The problem is, I am high key devastated that he ended things before even giving it a chance. Of course, given that it's the end of a school year and we're both busy with finals, this may not be the best time to start a relationship... but I really do miss him and still like him a lot.

SO MY QUESTION IS: do you think there is hope for us in the future? Based on his behavior, do you think he'll ever want me back? And if so, is there anything I can do right not to make myself more appealing to him? Thank you!!! and sorry for such a long post!

[basilandthyme]

Sorry hon, as he gave the reason of "no longer feeling it" ending it, I doubt that there are other reasons such as being cautious, daunted or is only looking for someone to marry. As far as giving it a chance goes, isn't it better that he walks away soon after he recognises that he's not feeling it and doesn't string you along?

You've dated before, so you already know that most relationships do end. This is why finding the right person is so special when it does happen. And it will happen - just not with this guy.

[eve.ashley]

tell him you really like him as a person, don't want to lose him, and you want to be friends.

tone down your romantic, sexual attraction, jealousy...etc and be his friend...

find out is his non break up of non relationship coz he doesn't like you that way, or coz he has some other reason...like fear, bad timing...etc...

if he doesn't like you, move on.
(you were never really friends, you have a right to make it easier on you, rather than harder=)

if he does like you, win him over by showing him you guys can work out despite his fears, and bad timing...

show him that in a relationship with you he gets more than he loses.

good luck...

no reason to give up yet...

[Wakeup]

tell him you really like him as a person, don't want to lose him, and you want to be friends.

tone down your romantic, sexual attraction, jealousy...etc and be his friend...

find out is his non break up of non relationship coz he doesn't like you that way, or coz he has some other reason...like fear, bad timing...etc...

if he doesn't like you, move on.
(you were never really friends, you have a right to make it easier on you, rather than harder=)

if he does like you, win him over by showing him you guys can work out despite his fears, and bad timing...

show him that in a relationship with you he gets more than he loses.

good luck...

no reason to give up yet...

Now, Kay. ^^^ That suggestion is exactly what you want to hear but it's codependent thinking at it's finest. You don't want to do any of that and keep yourself mired in hope and unable to concentrate on your studies because you're focused on him and trying to jump through hoops to get him to change his mind... A mind that has been conspired to be made up the way it was by his RELIGIOUS LEADER.

I suggest you see your own pastor and ask for advice on how to get to the stage of indifference to him rather then to do things that are not in your own best interests. (like try to ingratiate yourself back into his life when he's been honest with you that he does not want that) If a guy wants to be with you and he thinks that continuing on with you is the right thing to do for his ultimate future then he won't stop seeing you.

Is there a chance that you'll get back to dating and him pursuing you? Sure, maybe in the future when he's finished school and established in his career. But don't put your own self on hold and stagnate yourself from having fun and doing well in school being focused on a goal that he's not on board with... That's NOT something that is in your best interests. In the meantime, if he changes his mind and you've not been stalking his ass and trying to force yourself to remain in his life whether it's his wish or not, he knows where you are and if he comes back of his own free will don't you think that will enforce to you that he did it because he felt ready rather then you having had forced him into it?

Best to be disappointed and get through that state now then to put it as you did and be TRUELY "high key devastated" when he leaves you when school is over and you're not who he really wanted as a wife.

((feel over it all soon))) (and you will if you do the mental work you need to do to accept its over)

[TheEvilJester]

In this case, I do have to agree with Wakeup. I mean, MAYBE if you could see being just friends with him I'd lean towards saying you see if he'd be open to staying friends. Then, you never know.... in time maybe it could become more. So long as you are not holding yourself back from living your life, and not just waiting around hoping he decides he wants to date you, then where is the harm?

The thing is, in this case I think it may just be in your best interest to move on and forget him for now. Maybe he'll come back later and want to be friends or even try dating, but you shouldn't go out of your way to try to get him back.

He had what was starting to be a really nice relationship with you, whether it would wind up being as friends or more. Heck, from what you tell us, he was even the one to really go out of his way to become friends with you and tell you how much he wanted to keep hanging out with you..... Then suddenly he's "no longer feeling it?" Pardon me for saying this, but he sounds like a jerk to me. You don't just go from one day telling a person "I really like hanging out with you and want to keep doing that" to the next day saying "Oh... that.... yeah.... I'm just not feeling it anymore."

I know exactly how you are feeling. Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet to make it stop. Only time will really help. In time, you'll realize that you are awesome, and if he could just toss that aside then that is HIS loss, not yours. He had you and voluntarily lost you, so to Hell with him. You two hadn't even really defined your relationship yet. If he wasn't yet ready to date, he could have at least given you the option to just be friends.

So, as best you can, forget him. Maybe fate will lead you two back together, or maybe fate will lead you to a real man and not a wussy little game-player. Good luck to you, friend.