Not sure what I want anymore

[Troy]

So my girlfriend and I were together about 2 1/2 years and broke up 3 months ago. It was sort of long distance and I would only see her on weekends mostly, and I just moved back for good a few days ago. The break up was initiated by me but became pretty mutual, I did end up trying to get back together with her but she said she needed some time. We said we would remain friends and go on a date when I moved back to see how she felt.

I saw her the other night to sort of celebrate me coming back, and at the end of the night we started talking and she told me she was seeing someone but that she didn't really like him that much and it was just a fling/not serious. I told her that I didn't think we should talk anymore or see each other because I can't be just friends right now if she has no interest in trying again with me.

She got mad at me and cried a bit at first and tried to rationalize how the night went, her roommate ended up tagging along at the last minute uninvited and my ex was on her phone the majority of the time, it was pretty miserable for me. Anyway basically she said I'm one of the closest people to her and that she wants me to be a part of her life and that she loves me, but she thinks if we tried again it would probably just end up like before. I told her I don't want what we had and it ended for a reason, but I think it could be different now for what I felt were legitimate reasons. She agreed to an extent. She mentioned how she use to imagine us getting a place together once I got back.

After an hour of this she said she wants to go on a date with me in a week but that it doesn't mean we are getting back together. I felt that we needed a fresh start so she wants it to be like a first date so we won't have expectations. She said she doesn't want us to talk until the date. And she said she's not going to stop talking to other people unless we end up becoming something exclusive again. I was explicit with her that I do not want to go on this date if she has no real interest in us. We agreed and that was that.

Now I don't really know what I want at this point. I know I can't tell her not to be with someone, but isn't it sort of a slap in the face that she is potentially sleeping with someone else while going out on a date with me? It has sort of left me mad at her but I'm not sure if it's justified or not. I guess I'm just looking for feedback with where she is at and the situation in general. I feel confused about everything that was said and not sure how I feel or where I stand. I've wanted this chance for so long but this isn't exactly how I envisioned a new start beginning.

[Wakeup]

She's calling the shots. You have two choices.

1. You continue to let her call the shots and you see her non-exclusively

2. You finally put an end to this, let her go for good and get on with getting over her to the point of indifference to her at which time you'll be open enough in heart and mind to find someone else.

Whatever you decide, I suggest you sit down with yourself and figure out what is in your best emotional interests. Don't let the ambiguity carry on for too long.

Good luck.

[Troy]

Thank you

That's how I felt by the end of the night. I thought her willingness to see me and talk to me more meant she was warming up to me. Now I guess it was just her thinking of me more as a friend than a partner while she is with someone else when I was unaware, that hurt, and I would have cut things off at that point if I knew. That's why I gave her the 'ultimatum' to get back that control by telling her either we're not seeing/talking to each other anymore or we're trying again. I've told her if nothing materializes we are not going back to being friends so she know we are either going to get back together or I'm out of her life for good. I honestly expected her to tell me she accepted that and was ready to move on, but she was the one who suggested we go on a date and see what happens.

To be clear she said she wanted to treat this like we have never dated before, so that's why she said she shouldn't have to stop contact with anyone she's talking to because it's a first date to her. That's why she doesn't want to talk until then so we can have more unknown involved in this as if it were something new. She didn't say she didn't want to be exclusive eventually just that it wasn't fair to have that as a rule at the start. I believe if the point comes where we become intimate again she wouldn't be seeing anyone else. And if she did want to continue seeing someone else once we reached that point I would end it myself because I deserve better than that.

This is something I've wanted for 3 months, and I sort of feel like giving up now and not knowing what could have been would always make me question whether I made the right decision. Granted it could end a lot worse by taking this risk.

Does it still sound like I'm allowing her to have too much control over the situation and I'm just rationalizing to make it sound better than it is?
And is it not at all a good sign that she accepted the ultimatum and said she wants to go on a date, wouldn't she have just cut me off otherwise?

[Wakeup]

It doesn't sound like you're allowing her to have too much control if you really mean this:

I believe if the point comes where we become intimate again she wouldn't be seeing anyone else. And if she did want to continue seeing someone else once we reached that point I would end it myself because I deserve better than that.

That sounds like a perfectly good personal boundary to have. Good luck going forward. Keep it real.

[Troy]

Thank you

And I also am sort of at a loss of what to do for the date. This is suppose to be like a first date but we have so much history if I do something that seems like it's for her and she thinks/knows I don't like it, I think she might think I'm not being genuine, and I don't want to do something that could perceived as too much because she is weary of the idea of a relationship at the moment so I want to keep it fun. Towards the end of the relationship part of our problem was not doing new things and she thought we became sort of boring and that I had an unwillingness to do new things. Which is true to but there were a lot of factors that went into that and that's really not the type of person so showing her that's not true would be a major step in the right direction. It's going to be at night so I was thinking about either going to a bar or dinner with a fun, not romantic, atmosphere but should I restrict to only one or both? Any ideas or input would be appreciated.

[Wakeup]

Take her out to do something other then sit there and drink or eat or drink/eat. Do mini golf or an amusement park or take her to see a top rate musical play. Not sure where you live but one of the best date nights (after, at that time 25 years of marriage) the hubby took us on was a harbour cruise dinner/dance... awesome! Now that was definitely something out of both our comfort zones but it was tre cool.

I'm thinking that if she thought you were not open to doing new things then do something new.

Don't be a baiter and a switcher though. No sense winning her back and then reverting back to an ole stick in the mud once you have her, that won't keep her.

[Troy]

Well things have changed now and I don't know what to make of it. She texted me at midnight tonight, 6 days before the planned date and during our no contact, saying a coworker/friend had died and as of now she wants to cancel but she will let me know the day of if she wants to. I told her I was sorry and asked if she wanted to reschedule it later and she told me she didn't know. So I asked if she meant she wants to cancel all together or didn't know if she wanted to reschedule and she said she didn't have any answers and thought it was insensitive to ask but she'll text me the day of. Maybe it was but now she sort of took back control over this and I can't do anything about it without coming off as an asshole. I thought it was very odd she'd text me so late, especially basically a week away from the planned date, saying she may or may not cancel. I feel bad for her, but I hate now that I have to just basically wait and see if she will go on the date, reschedule, or cancel it all together because she didn't give me any type of real answer. Am I just reading too much into it, or is there more to it?

[Wakeup]

You either wait and see what she does or you get on with your life as if you're broken up all together. You're not emotionally ready to date others in any kind of serious way but you could get yourself out there doing things with your friends/family/coworkers that will take your mind Ms. Flakey. Don't call her again. Let her reach out to you while you get on with your life without her in it.

She sounds depressed (long before the death of the "friend"). She isn't good relationship material right now and you can't fix her so don't even try and don't waste your life waiting around for someone who is NOT Jonesing to be with you.

[Troy]

I don't plan on contacting her at all unless she does, it was so bizarre to me that she even sent me that. I am pretty upset with her at the moment with the situation she put me in.

We were talking a lot before the no contact, we have stayed pretty close for the most part since the break up. Maybe she wanted to let me know what happened because normally if something like that happened I feel like I'd be the first person she told.

But I just find it so odd that the day of the death she thinks of texting me late at night potentially canceling a date a week in the future? Is she just using it as an excuse to get out of the date or what else could it be? It's so confusing to me.