Need advice on an odd relationship

[hattie74]

I have been having what I consider to be an emotional affair relationship for the past 4 or 5 months. This developed out of a friendship with a woman who is in a really unhappy marriage. Her husband is rarely around, and when he is, he treats her like an employee rather than a wife. She says she still loves him and wants the marriage to work, but he doesn't show much interest in this. She says it is getting better, but I don't see it based on what she tells me. They sleep in separate rooms when he does sleep there, and they have not had sex in years. He does provides her exceptional financial stability.

Meanwhile, she texts me all hours of the day, and comes to my house frequently. She is always creating an excuse to come see me. We are very close friends at this point, and nothing sexual has happened. My problem is that what she SAYS and what she DOES are completely different things. She has made it very clear to me she has no intention of leaving her husband, that she sees me as only a very good, if not best friend, but not as a romantic partner. Of course, I am single and in love with her. I know she likes the attention from this.

She has inserted herself into my life to the point that my children love her, and her child is also close with me. Our children are friends. We do a ton of fun stuff together, and when we do, we are literally having the best times of our life. That has been stated not just by her, but by the kids as well.

Here's the big problem: She treats me like a lover (minus the physical stuff). We know what each other is eating throughout the day, and see each other almost every day. We are texting before bed, and when we wake up. She has made some really loving gestures toward me when I was in a really bad place. (Things I don't want to go into here, but things only a really good, true friend would ever do.) She looks me in the eyes like someone who loves me. I'm not trying to ruin her marriage. We became close on accident, I think, from being around mutual friends. But I've never met anyone like her. We are very close to perfect together. I know I will never find anyone like her the rest of my life. (I'm in my early/mid 40s.) I told her I don't believe her when she says she doesn't love me romantically. She absolutely acts like someone who is in love with me. She says, why wouldn't I just leave my husband if that were the case? The last time we had this conversation, I told her I was going to pursue another woman who had shown interest in me, and she turned it up a couple notches, and wanted to know what I was doing every minute of the day. In my mind this was her way of saying, please don't, even though she SAYS, yes you should do that - pursue her.

WOMEN: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE???? I've met my best friend, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. She is unavailable, but still wants me to be her best friend (of course without the sex - and no this post has nothing to do with that, really.) Is she full of crap? She keeps saying that if I would "just stop feeling that way" our friendship would be perfect.

I'm with Harry, not Sally. My best friend in the world should be my mate. I don't text my best buddies all day long to find out how they are feeling, and what they had for breakfast. This is a relationship. Does she love me? I do believe her when she says she doesn't want to leave him, but the marriage is nothing but a financial agreement at this point. But she doesn't see that, even though most of her friends and family do.

Is it smart for me to walk away from the best friend I ever had, even though it seems that is my only choice? Friends like this don't come around but once in a lifetime.

I should add: I don't know what the typical reader of this forum is. I would appreciate responses from any women, but let me know if you would what your life experience is. The perspective of a 40 year old is much different from that of a 17 year old. Thank you.

[basilandthyme]

This woman is trouble.

She sounds like a very selfish woman who has little insight into how her behaviour is affecting you. I understand that she may be a lot of fun to be around and probably listens when you have problems....but in the end, her choices only benefit herself. Ask yourself if a person who is capable of such manipulation, underhandedness and selfishness is worthy of being called a best friend.

Anyway, as for what's going on - I'd say that the monetary benefits of staying in this dead marriage outweigh the benefits of being your partner. I think I'd also be inclined to ask her to explain why she says she wants to save her marriage but then acts in a way which is only going to further undermine it. The one positive is that she's never made false promises of leaving her husband for you. Perhaps if you were able to financially support her to the same degree as her husband she may leave him - but I'm sure you want to be wanted for your personality - not your money.

Look past the fun you have to the manipulation. Hopefully you can latch on to this as the strength you need to break away from her.

[hattie74]

Hmm. I've already pointed out to her that she can't fix her marriage with me as a distraction. I don't think she is being intentionally manipulative. I do think she is being a bit selfish, and she has openly admitted to that. I really think she is in strong denial about her marriage.

In the end, I tried to do this about a month ago and we couldn't stay away from each other. We were both so lonely before we met each other. I can support her, just not in the way her husband does. She would live a pretty comfortable life with me though, so I don't think money is an issue.

This woman is trouble.

She sounds like a very selfish woman who has little insight into how her behaviour is affecting you. I understand that she may be a lot of fun to be around and probably listens when you have problems....but in the end, her choices only benefit herself. Ask yourself if a person who is capable of such manipulation, underhandedness and selfishness is worthy of being called a best friend.

Anyway, as for what's going on - I'd say that the monetary benefits of staying in this dead marriage outweigh the benefits of being your partner. I think I'd also be inclined to ask her to explain why she says she wants to save her marriage but then acts in a way which is only going to further undermine it. The one positive is that she's never made false promises of leaving her husband for you. Perhaps if you were able to financially support her to the same degree as her husband she may leave him - but I'm sure you want to be wanted for your personality - not your money.

Look past the fun you have to the manipulation. Hopefully you can latch on to this as the strength you need to break away from her.

[basilandthyme]

No, she may not be *intentionally* manipulative. But that doesn't mean that she isn't being manipulative. This business of refusing to be your partner - but manipulating you when you say you'll date others is not OK. But most of all, she's more than a bit selfish - she's utterly selfish. And is displaying a complete lack of empathy for your situation.

This is all about what she wants, isn't it. She's playing you for a fool, getting her own needs met and ignoring yours.

[hattie74]

I do agree with you to a degree. I don't think she empathizes with my situation at all. She is being a bit selfish, but she is not without compassion. She has gone out of her way for me to do things for me that are very loving gestures. When we say selfish, I want to be clear that she is longing for a selfless loving relationship. Let's also be clear that I am getting MY emotional needs met in this relationship. I will be very lonely without her. She knows that.

[basilandthyme]

If you were getting all your emotional needs met in this relationship, you wouldn't be here asking for help.

[hattie74]

That's a good point! If I heard her say, I love you, then I'd still have a dilemma, but it would be an entirely different one. The thing is, is I am sure she loves me as she loves her best friends. I guess I'm here to ask whether or not the women here think she in fact does love me, but either doesn't realize it, or doesn't want to say it to me because of the repercussions of what that means.

[Wakeup]

I know I will never find anyone like her the rest of my life

Well that's a given considering that you'll never be open enough in heart and mind to find a single woman that could be better for you simply because she loves you and is free to give herself to you.

Have you considered therapy to find out why you waste your life being used emotionally while she uses her marital partner for his wealth?

[basilandthyme]

I think that she's fond of you. She wouldn't hang out with you if she wasn't. But there's nothing you've said which indicates she loves you or wants a future with you. Yes, she toys with you when you want to see others - but that's not love. I don't know why she does it, but it's not love.

[laura alexandra]

find out about your boyfriend here
sendquiz.com

[friendsfirst]

You are giving her attention she craves. If she loved you, she would act on it, especially if she left, she would still be comfortable. Some women enjoy being the center of attention and that's all they care about. Remember the information you know about their marriage is what she told you. She sounds like she thrives on being the center of not only your world, but multiple people. I know it is hard to cut contact with.someone you love, but you need to where you can meet someone that can give you the love, attention, devotion and affection you deserve.

[Chock]

find out about your boyfriend here
sendquiz.com

Laura,

Your quiz is not valid and not a good measure of anything The questions are not appropriate, and a lot of the answers are not represented.