Please read and help! :(

[DylanAtion]

Hello, so I'm going to share my story as to what's been going on in my life lately...I'm going to start from the very beginning, and just spare the minor details.

So, in January of 2000. I met this girl, I'm not going to disclose her name, but I met her at a movie theater. She was dating my current friend at the time, and I was kind of a third wheel. I was a kid at the time, I was 13. Anyways, I really liked this girl, and I know, It's childish love. xD But, anyways, what happened was that basically a month later, after we talked alot, and really got along, he ended up breaking up with her..Which, obviously, was a open window for me...I ended up asking her out..She said "Yes." Anyways, we dated in February of 2000. It was great! I mean, she was really my first girlfriend, and it was kind of puppy love at the time, I know...She really was a sweet girl...On Valentines day, I bought her this stuffed monkey with a giant heart that said "Be Mine."- But that comes into play later on..But, as time went on, I started to get really sad...I was really weird with girls at this time...It's weird, I know..But, I ended up breaking up with her because I neglected her..Alot...But, I kind of wanted to break up..I mean, at the time, it really wasn't serious, it was just a honey moon type childish thing that went away after a month or so. Anyways, the only thing of importance here is that we ended up breaking up and that monkey.

Fast Forward to May: We end up getting back together, it's one of those typical stories, you know, you realize how much you really care for them...In this time, it was so much different..So much changed so fast, and it was just great! I grew these huge feelings for this girl, and even was upset with myself for ever even doing what I did the first time..What attracted me so much to her was just how sweet and understanding she was..She really is a loving girl. A amazing, kind, sweet, beautiful, loving girl...We grew such a close understanding of eachother in such a short time...I helped her with a few issues she was going through..She helped me with some of my own..Eventually, I let her into my life...I let her know my family issues, my fears, everything..I was really comfterable with her as she was w/ me. At the time, she was living with her Dad- She's a bastard child like me, her Mom..Really isn't a good person, and at the time she didn't see her alot..But...Once again- That comes into play shortly...

Sometime in July of that year...I was talking to my friend, her old "boyfriend" that I met her through...And, when you care for someone a whole lot...More then just puppy love..But someone you want to see have a great, happy life, someone that you truly want to spend the rest of your life with...Opinions that oppose against that really can bother you...I know...It sounds dumb...I'm a 13 year old kid, and want to have everything with this girl...But, during that time..My head was in that place...I'd never do anything to hurt her..I just know that it would've been like that for the rest of my life...Because, she was such an amazing girl...She really was...So...Let's get to the crumbling...

My friend..."Friend." Told me something that made me collapse....He said that she was a training wheel relationship...And that we'd never make it....No matter what, eventually our love would die.....Boom....Also..I forgot to mention, sometime in July, a little bit before he said that, she went to her Moms....She went to live with her for a while..First time in a long time that she saw her..


Here's where everything gets interesting....
What he told me...It broke me down, mentally. It made me feel like that no matter how hard I tried in the relationship, it would die....As if it was just simple un-preventable destiny. So...Childish me dealt with that for weeks...No matter what she said about it, she told me that we would make it..That we could work really hard to acheive everything one day..To grant any possible kids the life we never could quite experience. (Yes, I know. Dumb for kids to talk about- But, we had a really different outlook on the world and just have experienced so much that mentally developed us far beyond a average 13 year old teen) But...Whatever she said..It just didn't work, or help..So...I got a really good idea...In a way. I decided..."Maybe we should wait until we're older...That way nothing ever happens to us.." That's what I basically told her when I was at my mental worst...What he said really bothered me..Like, crying, agonizing, panic attack type of bothering....Anyways...It made her really upset...I regretted it immediatly, and I got the realization that opininions like that shouldn't bother me..So, hours later, I begged to just forget all of the stuff I said...But, she said no..She told me that she just doesn't want anything to happen, and that she feared it really would...She said that "Bandaids don't fix bullet holes." Anyways....For a week, I spent my time trying to fix everything. Just telling her that it'll be okay..But, she wouldn't budge..Eventually, she told me. "It's not even because of you doing that again..." At the time, I didn't think much of it..But...Yeah...I'm tearing up a tad bit just at these memories...Anyways...One night...She talked about how she was drinking with her sister at her moms..(Her sister lives with her Mom) But...Just that made me upset...Her Mom really isn't a good influence...Nor was her Sister....They corrupted her...

Here's the big twist..One night, I'm going through her yahoo messanger account..Yeah, I know, lame. But, I got the password awhile ago, she must've forgot..What I found broke me down so much....Basically, she sent videos of herself and pictures to this guy that she didn't know....Topless ones were the most graphic they got..But, it got worse...She used the bear I got to please this guy, she also told him she loved him....-

That paragraph right there ruined my mind....I was filled with rage..Especially when I found out it dated back a long time..Before we even got back together....So, yeah..You better believe I confronted her..That's when she broke down...She told me that was the reason why she didn't want to get back together...She was disgusted with herself...She told me that she felt terrible for hurting such a great person who treated her right...I didn't feel forgiving at the time...I tried to make her feel as bad as I could...I told her that she was sickening, and what she did was disgusting and terrible..Which, it really was...But, all in all..She really was sorry, and she didn't want to get back together knowing she hurt me and that she was doing that...I know that sexting is a fantasy world type thing, and you really don't mean what you say..But, yeah...There's all of that...I still loved her...She told me that she did it because she was curious...But, yeah...I know I make her sound like a scumbag whore right now..But, I could tell she really was sorry..She cut off contact with this guy, and told me she wanted to make everything work..I was wishy washy. I still loved her..But, I was filled with rage...

I ended up seeing her in public a week later...I apoligized for all of the really bad things I said, deserved, or not, I could've handled it a bit better at the time..But..She started crying, then she hugged me...Like I said..I could tell she was sorry...

Anyway...We ended up just really getting emotionally different...She started becoming a different person at her Moms...With her sisters influence...Basically...I'm going to just be more simple with details, but she ended up getting a new boyfriend..Some guy she met around where her mom lived...This was just weeks later..But, things changed fast again...She ended up losing her virginity, they had sex twice, he fingered her, and gave her a hickey...Which..Just..Really was the killer..I mean, she was just a different girl...I just blamed myself for her changing....I tried to tell her that everything is changing, and I remember just telling her again and again that she's such an amazing girl, and has so much potential..I called her one night and just talked for almost a hour about how much she can be, just 45 minutes of me talking non-stop..I only asked that she listened. Anyways....I just gave up..Still having great feelings for her, I wanted to just go back in time and start from the beginning again..But, you can't..You can only fix the future..I know..The typical person would say "The hell with that whore" Or something like that...But, granted...We were 13...Kids..We still talked...Eventually, she cut off contact with her new boyfriend..She apparently regretted what she did with him after she realized how bad of a person he was.....

I still loved her and wanted everything...But..I reached a stailmate...I didn't want to date her at the time because I knew it wouldn't be the same..But, I also feared that it would follow me for the rest of my life if we got back together in the future...During this time, my plan of waiting didn't sound too bad..It wouldn't have been so bad either if the whole thing with "Will it bother me in the future?" and "Is this a good love story?" Linger around..God..I was confused..Depressed..In such a shadow..I was only 13..And I was going through depression, and a huge mental breakdown...

Last time I talked to her, she told me she told her Mom everything, and that she's trying to get back on the right path...




Let's go into the present.....



I'm now 28 years old...And, I'm going to just say that she's been popping up lately...We've been talking alot, and she shows interest in getting back together....She's a different person now...She seems to be atleast...But, we're both adults now...The past was so long ago, but still- What do I do? My feelings are still there, even after all of that time...Other girlfriends have came and went, but even them just didn't feel the same...

I only have a few questions....


Should I forget the past?

Does the past matter?


Do all love stories have ugly moments?

Should I still consider her a "cheater"?



People say that when they do that...It ruins the purity of the relationship..But, we were kids..Anyways...How do I handle it? She's a different person now, so am I..But...Still...Does it sound like a good love story if everything turned out right?


Thank you if you read it all...Your a hero...

-Thanks...

[solarion]

I'm going to start from the very beginning...of the last ice age.

Should I forget the past?

Yes. If you ever hope to find happiness you will have to learn to let go of the past.

Does the past matter?

The past only matters in that it molds us into who we are today.

Do all love stories have ugly moments?

Yep. Human interactions are incredibly complex...sometimes it looks like making sausage.

Should I still consider her a "cheater"?

Nope. I suspect she has significant self-esteem issues to work through however.

People say that when they do that...It ruins the purity of the relationship..But, we were kids..Anyways...How do I handle it? She's a different person now, so am I..But...Still...Does it sound like a good love story if everything turned out right?

Toss the past and start with a clean slate...sounds like her childhood pretty much sucked and she is likely emotionally scarred from it. Never ever dig stuff up from the distant past to throw at her...no matter how upset you get. Do not tolerate her doing so for even a second either. Consider it the relationship version of the unthinkable nuclear option and just refuse to be the crazy fvck to press that switch. If you want to build something now it must be based upon a foundation of mutual respect and nothing will demolition that as quickly as attacking each other for what happened when you were children.

I wish you a lot of luck.

Edit: Should have checked OP's post history before reading his book and commenting.

[sammylu]

I completely agree with Solarion. You cannot make a future with her if you are stuck in the past. I am 28 myself and who I was at 13 is not at all who I am now. People change and teenagers do stupid sh** lol I do not believe in the whole "once a cheater always a cheater" mentality. Especially if she was young and confused. I had a troubled relationship with my father and I can imagine if I had lived with him in my teens I would have done some not so awesome stuff.

If you are still working through issues you experienced in the past with her, then I believe you need to find a way to acknowledge that yes it happened, but that now in your present it has no space in your heart and mind anymore. Holding onto anger does nothing for us, it serves no purpose in helping us live happy lives.

Now, old patterns seem to creep up within us when we are around certain people whom we have been hurt by or that we have hurt. This also means that old feelings can come up and it can then bleed into our present and future interactions with them. You will need to be very mindful of that. For example, if she does something that sparks a memory, a memory that made you feel insecure or hurt when you were 13, you could lash out or project what you THINK she is doing into a completely normal situation. This is totally normal and I wouldn't be surprised if it happened even after 15 years. My suggestion to you would be to have a talk with her once things start to get serious (like when you both agree things are really going somewhere). Sit her down and just make it known that hurt feelings happened but that you want to move forward with a new mindset and a clean slate. Ask her for her help in doing this so that you 2 can really make things work. Don't make it a HUGE deal just make some temporary space for it and then both agree to let it go.

I hope that helps you. I do believe people can change and I do believe you guys could make it work. Letting go of anything (even that which hurts us) is hard. But letting go can be empowering as you are allowing yourself and the past to heal.