Only the strongest will survive... help me to be just that!

[Zapto369]

Hello all,


I’ve tried scouring Google for an answer to my predicament, however I believe it to be so unique that I can’t find any real advice. Thus I’m hoping that you all can maybe give me some words of advice and encouragement. Fair warning, some of this is my own venting as well since I don’t really have any friends I can trust or who would understand my situation, so please bear with me and help me if you can. Here’s my life…


First, backstory: The first time my girlfriend and I were together was in high school, for which we dated a little over 2 years. We went our separate ways when she was away at college for a year and I wanted to go to a different college (that’s the story anyways, I really just left her for another girl who it never worked with… unnecessary detail). Anyways, after three years of not speaking, we’re back together and have been for the past year and a half or so. I’m 22 years old and she’s 23 years old (almost 24). To be 1000% honest, I’m not sure why I got back with her since right before that was the first and only time I felt truly “free” in life. Perhaps I believed it was Fate and I still do. But more about that later.


Right now, I’m relatively independent. I have my own apartment with two roommates (who I’ve been friends with for years), a stable career job that I’m climbing the ladder with, a writing career just starting off (my first book came out about a year ago), and I’m in a good place in life (except that I’m not really happy, hence the post). She is currently in pharmacy school, second year of four. She has never had a real job (save for a summer paid internship) and is completely devoted (read obsessed) with school and places a lot of her self-worth on grades. The kicker: she lives with her parents as well.


Now, a lot of people live with their parents at my age. Hell, I did up until a few months ago. However, her family situation is a little, let’s say unhealthy. Firstly, her mother is a diagnosed Schizophrenic, moreso on the negative side of the spectrum (for all you psych students out there). Dad is alright, just a total pushover and lets his waste of a person wife run everything. My girlfriend is only allowed “out” (meaning somewhere that’s not school) one day a weekend unless it is with them. Therefore, I am only able to see her one day a week. On those days (and all days really), she has an 8PM curfew (yes, you read that right) and we have to lie about where we’re going to go anywhere “approved.” For example, we often return to my apartment after I pick her up (she lives an hour away and would have to be home even earlier if she were to drive), but we lie and say we went to a park or the mall or something (which we sometimes do in fairness). Needless to say, she is not allowed to spend the night with me (parents are real religious types as well) anywhere. My girlfriend not only stays in this mess, but also supports it due to the deal she has with her parents: if she remains at home and plays by the rules, parents pay for school and everything else completely.


We talk everyday, but all of this combined with the constant studying and complaining about how much school sucks (which is frequently every day) makes quality time together short-lived and difficult to attain. When we do have such time, it is usually good, however there are many of her qualities that I don’t feel I’m compatible with. For example, I don’t really like kids or dogs (I’m an evil person, I know), which she does and I’m annoyed often by her general bubbly (read immature) demeanor.


Now, the plan right now is to continue on like this until she has completed school, in which we’ll get married and live happily ever after. She has about 2 and a half years of school left, so it’s easier said than done. I’ve tried talking to her about this situation and how it’s unhealthy and how I feel about it all. But again, she refuses to even attempt to change it because she is completely dependent on her parents (and likes it that way) and therefore doesn’t want to sever those ties. Basically, if she moves out now, they cut all support, which she obviously can’t sustain herself without a job. Even if I cover her rent in my apartment, I couldn’t cover her car insurance, health insurance, and schooling. This frustrates me, but I know that’s a tall order.


My plea for advice then is this: How do I remain strong throughout all of this? I’m trying my best to help her realize her potential and be happy, but I’m at the stage in my life where I want to travel and do things and can’t because of her situation. I keep telling myself that it’ll all be okay in 2.5 years when this is all said and done, but will it be? Will I still be annoyed by her and now resentful of these 4 years “wasted?”


Breaking up with her is not an option for me. I don’t really FEEL it very often, but I do love her and it will devastate her if I leave again for selfish reasons. Plus, I strongly believe that this is what God’s plan for my life is (read my destiny, etc.) and that this is sort of a test for me to do what I can to help her be the best she can while she leads me to be the best, unselfish person I can be. Other than our life situation currently, I have no real “grounds” for breaking up with her either. She’s loving and supportive of my dreams (as much as she can be) and even though she never puts me first in her life, I know she truly cares for me and I really want to make this work out deep, deep down.


So my question again is this: How can I be strong in the face of this? How can I defeat my own temptations to run away and be the best I can for her? Thank you for reading this far and I truly appreciate any and all heartfelt advice. Please, be as honest and as helpful as you can; I feel like I’m running out of steam and could really use some encouragement.

[dontaskme]

So my question again is this: How can I be strong in the face of this? How can I defeat my own temptations to run away and be the best I can for her?

If you stop thinking about yourself and start thinking of the various reasons your gf is doing what she thinks is best for the two of you now and in the future, maybe it will give you the strength you need to stay focused on what's important in your relationship.

Staying with her parents and allowing them to pay for college is the most practical decision your gf has ever made, even if it meant having limited time together. In the long run, this would save her over $200,000 in potential student loans. Staying with her parents also allows her to concentrate more on her degree, which clearly, is her priority and is really important to her.

Just think about it, you talk about getting married, traveling, and living happily ever after. How do you think you can accomplish this? By having a good paying and stable job in the future and not having to worry about paying loans and debts.

Your girl gets this and I'm sorry to say that you don't. You maybe making money now but if you don't shift your priorities right away, you will fall behind your gf in the future.

[Zapto369]

Your girl gets this and I'm sorry to say that you don't. You maybe making money now but if you don't shift your priorities right away, you will fall behind your gf in the future.

Thank you for the reply, I appreciate the honesty. I do understand where she's coming from and it is a very practical decision, but what about everything else in life besides the money? True, she'll be debt free, making lots of money, and all that, but what about all of the time you can't get back? What about the friends she doesn't have because she can't go out anywhere, the psychological damage already growing as a result of a lifetime of being put down? Is it all worth it?

[dontaskme]

It's only two years of sacrifice, which will all be worth it in time.

You can't blame the parents for her not having any friends. This is all on her, choosing not to be social while in school. I don't see anywhere in your post indicating her parents being so wicked they do not allow their daughter to have any friends.

Your gf's situation is not that unusual at all... It's more common than you think and most of those students graduate without psychological issues.

Your the one who's got issues and that is why you are making this a bigger a deal than it is. Just enjoy whatever time you have with her man.

[Zapto369]

It's only two years of sacrifice, which will all be worth it in time.

You can't blame the parents for her not having any friends. This is all on her, choosing not to be social while in school. I don't see anywhere in your post indicating her parents being so wicked they do not allow their daughter to have any friends.

Your gf's situation is not that unusual at all... It's more common than you think and most of those students graduate without psychological issues.

Your the one who's got issues and that is why you are making this a bigger a deal than it is. Just enjoy whatever time you have with her man.

You know, I know I do have my issues (a lot of them actually), and that's one of the reasons I can't really trust my own instincts. However, my post was only a glimpse into the situation, which is darker and deeper than you realize. I understand what you're saying, I really do and I appreciate it though.