She is getting very moody -- and has a horrific history of abuse

[johnnyq]

I don't really have much experience with relationships, so I'm really hoping that some of you might have some advice regarding my predicament. Sorry that this post is so long!

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 4 months. We are together almost everyday, and we laugh, shower each other with attention, watch movies together...everything is going really well. Well, at least up until the last 2-3 weeks. Before I begin, let me preface this by saying that she used to be in a really abusive relationship, so she considers me to be the first 'good guy' that she's ever dated. She left the country to escape her abusive boyfriend, and only recently returned after spending 3 years in South Korea. And to top it off, she experienced horrific trauma when she was much younger -- she was raped when she was a young teenager.

But anyways, one day she really wanted to watch this movie that I couldn't stand, so I asked her if we could watch something else instead. She got really cold, distant, and pulled away (literally pulling away the covers) and basically gave me the silent treatment. I was trying to figure out what was really going wrong, but she wouldn't tell me. Then she started critiquing everything I did -- it was like I was always doing something wrong, whether it was forgetting to do something or never doing anything she likes to do. However, this couldn't be farther from the truth -- for instance, I watch her favorite movies all of the time, let her pick what take-out food to get, etc. Then she proceeded to tell me that the real reason she was upset is that her abusive ex-boyfriend would never let her do anything she wanted, so she would have to secretly do things like watch her favorite tv shows when he wasn't around. She said that she wasn't angry at me, and that none of this was my fault. She started crying a bit and I tried to console her, but she gave me the cold shoulder -- so eventually I just went to bed and hoped she would sleep it off. The next day it was like nothing had happened at all. She was back to being cheery and warm and full of love.

Things were good for a few days, so I thought it was just a one time thing -- but then it happened again. And this cycle keeps repeating. It causes me a lot of anxiety because I don't really know what she is thinking or what I can do to make things better. She said that she would work on her moodiness and go to a support group that she found, but she keeps putting it off. I really think that she needs to see an actual psychologist, but she makes excuses. What do you think about this? I really, really like her and want the relationship to work out.

[myers5061]

She's got awful past, so she certainly needs professional help. Find a good therapist or sth and try to sort it out. I don't think you can do much else here.

[TheEvilJester]

I would agree with myers, with one caveat. There is one thing you CAN do, which is to be there for her, be supportive, and be the example for her that not all girls are like her a-hole ex. She went through a terrible experience. You sure as heck cannot blame her for that, and you have to kind of understand why that may have a lasting effect on her. You have to somewhat understand why she might be so reluctant to trust you even though you personally have given her no reason not to trust you.

....However, that said, she also has to realize that it isn't fair for her to punish you for some other idiot's wrongdoings. Yes, it is understandable if she may have some issues as result.... but being understandable doesn't automatically make it acceptable. In other words, she should not accept it in herself.... and she certainly shouldn't expect you to just accept it.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't mean that as to say that you should dump her immediately. If she legitimately realizes she is mistreating you and that she has no reason not to trust you.... and she legitimately tries to do something to better the situation, then she deserves at least the chance to do just that. And I will say this... she's not exactly off to a good start. She apologizes, but then just repeats the same actions again. Apologies start to become meaningless when nothing changes. Apologies aren't just this magic eraser that eliminates all past crimes. Apologies need to come with the intention of actually correcting the problem in the future.

Not only that, but she claims she is going to get help.... and then yet never does. That does not exactly instill a lot of confidence that she actually has any honest intention of getting the help she needs to put this in her past. Not only is that unfair to you (as it would be to any guy she may be with), it's really not fair to herself either.

So, this definitely isn't a black and white situation where I can say "You should dump her" or "You should stay with her." It is more of an "if" situation. In other words... "You should dump her if she refuses to do anything to get help so she can get over her wounded past and stop treating you unfairly." Or "You should stay with her if she is actually doing something to try to get help AND you feel you can put up with it in the meantime while she works to fix the situation."

As I said, I definitely feel for her. Her ex sounds like a douche and I am so glad she got away from him. So, I sure as heck understand how something like that could scar a human being. However, there comes a time in life when you have to care enough about yourself and care enough about those around you to decide you are NOT going to be a victim. To decide you are NOT going to let your past ruin your future. If she cannot do that, it would be understandable if you cannot be okay with her treating you so poorly, especially when you have done nothing to deserve it.

Good luck to you. I sincerely hope things work out for you, but if not, I hope you care enough about YOU to realize you deserve to be happy. Also, sincerely, good luck to her. I know the war she needs to fight will NOT be easy, but it is definitely one worth fighting.