I'm scared of my future... my future of me and him together.

[musings]

Lately, I've been out of focus and started some arguments with my boyfriend. Well, I always ask him to leave me (because I can't leave him..). The reason am begging him to leave me because I feel like am not enough to inspire him to live his life and dream...

Or perhaps, I want to force him to work harder or do better.

He's a tour guide and we've been together for almost 4 years already... yes, we do think that we're meant to be... but on my part, am scared to be with him. I worry about our future very much.

He does work but for me he isn't working that hard. He doesn't seize opportunities... he's happy with what he's doing. When i suggest things to make his living better or for him to be able to gain more profit, he wouldn't listen. Well, for me, I like to maximize opportunities - to try to hit two birds in one stone - that kinda thing. ANd he isn't like that. But his words agree that we must make opportunities and grab 'em but he lack actions.

Now, why am i scared of our future together? Well... am scared that i'll be the one to become the breadwinner or something... or that when problems occur, he won't man up and just let me solve it on my own... like what he did in the past (or even today). Before, he had a shop that he managed but it wasn't selling much so sometimes, so he can pay rent and city bills, he would borrow money from me.. may be, that was the case for 4 months until he just closed the shop. What hurts me those times was I didn't see in him the effort to really work and find money so he can pay his shop's rent or the bills. When I would visit his shop at those times when he needed money, I see him just sleeping and whenever I ask him if he did find money for the rent, he would just say: 'I already looked but wasn't able to find one'. And if i would ask what did he do, he would just shrug and said that he did his best. For me, that was a bit unmanly.. irresponsible.. hurting.. that time, i felt like he wasn't working hard to solve his problems because he knew I was there to fix it for him.

Sometimes, I would even ask, 'what if i don't have money to lend you'.. he would just answer, 'then i would need to close the shop'. Well that was three years ago...

Now, when he borrows money from me (even though he is already earning as a tour guide), those emotions from the past come back to me.

He's also fond of like telling little lies.. i mean.. i don't know. But that's really it. Am scared that I might be the only one to solve the problems especially when we're going to get married... that's why at this present time, am scared. Am scared that I know he is to be there in my future. And am not sure if am okay with that... i do love him... but am not sure if he's really capable of taking care of me...

another is that, i've always believed that love can move mountains.. however, with him, i feel like am not enough to inspire him to live life and dream bigger.

So my question is, should i still continue being with him even though am scared of our future together... that am not sure if he can really take care of me.. am scared that he will just let me solve problems alone whenever we encounter one..?

Though, i know, i love him... but sometimes, love isn't enough... i guess.. i thought he changed but it seems like it's still the same..

I really do need your words... thank you so much!

[TheEvilJester]

You know, I will say this. It sounds like he is at least being honest with you about what he wants out of life. You should be thankful at least for that. He could have pretended he wants the same things you do, that he wants to grab the brass ring and put in hard work to improve his stage in life..... then revealed to you later that he never really had any intention of doing that. Believe me, I know that from experience.

It sounds like right from the very start, he proved to you that he didn't have motivation to fight his way into a better situation. He was fine with just settling. Honestly, I am personally with you. I myself cannot understand that mind-set. I mean, at least not until you are actually in a comfortable position. It would be one thing if he made enough money that money was never a concern. Then, I could see being content with your spot in life. However, money apparently is very much a problem for him, but he doesn't worry that much about it. That would never work for me, so I understand how you feel.

The thing is, maybe that works for him. If it works for him, that doesn't make him wrong. It also, though, doesn't make you wrong if that is not good enough for you. As much as I wish I didn't have to say that, if neither of you is likely to change that MAY be a solid reason that maybe you two are not meant to be. Believe me, I know that makes you feel almost superficial, but it really is NOT superficial. Maybe it would be if you were expecting him to be a billionaire and consider anything less to be below you.

But, if you just want a certain level of being financially comfortable, there is nothing wrong with that. This is not just a minor little difference we are talking about here. This is a biggie. If you two are not compatible in this way, forcing a relationship could only lead to problems down the road.

Does that mean you should break up? Maybe, maybe not. I can't say that for sure. That has to be a decision between you two. I'm just saying, if this is important enough to you, don't think you can just dismiss it simply thinking "love will be enough." Love should be the most important foundation of a relationship (and you certainly shouldn't HAVE a relationship without it), but it's not the only thing that is important.

Good luck to you. It isn't an easy decision you have to make, so I wish you the best in determining what you think will be best.

[musings]

Thank you so much for this, EvilJester.. yes.. it's really not about the money.. but the responsibility.. if he cant be responsible to himself now, how can he be responsible to his soon-to-be-family..

Am not sure if I can leave him now.. i dont want him to be alone.. but i really hope that if ever i'll leave him, he'll realize why i've been like that to him.. pushing him.. is that bad? Gosh.. i really don't know.. am so much torn if wanting to be there for him but also wanting to see if he'll man up if am not there.. sometimes, i even think its my fault that he's like that so carefree..

We're actually planning to build a shop together.. but am scared.. though, observing him, this shop seems to be his passion.. i dont know...

[TheEvilJester]

I think it is awesome that you worry so much about him that the thought in your mind about breaking up with him is "Will he be okay?" You're not worrying about you (I mean, I'm sure you are to some degree), your concern is for him.

That is great, but the thing is.... please care about yourself too. Believe me, I don't mean this to sound like you are trivial/replaceable. I am sure he will be very sad if he loses you.... but the thing is, he'll either be okay or he won't, and that honestly will have more to do with him than with you. In other words, if he's going to shape up and start working to better his position in life, he'd do that regardless of whether you are with him or not.

He's apparently not motivated to do that right now while he has you. It is unlikely that will change if you leave him. One piece of advice I would definitely give you is do not use the possibility that you could leave him as a motivator you hope will convince him to change. Believe me, I don't get the impression you would do so intending to be manipulative. I believe that your motivations are noble. You just want him to live up to the wonderful potential you see in him.

The thing is, he's either going to do that or he's not. If you try to use the threat of possibly leaving him to motivate him, MAYBE that could help.... but the more likely result is either A) He does try to change for you, but winds up learning he hates it and that only causes you both more pain and likely things end down the road anyway or B) He has no intention of changing, so you two just break up and that is that.

So, in other words, don't break up with him (or threaten possibly breaking up) if it is just because you are hoping it will wake him up to what he could lose if he doesn't change. If you break up with him, only do so because you feel he's not going to change and you realize you just need more. It could be possible that actually would motivate him to change, seeing what he could lose. So, you could certainly leave the possibility open if you want.

Still, people often don't change in such fundamental ways. If he's this content to stay in his place in life, he probably always will be. If that doesn't work for you, it is best to realize that now before the two of you get even further in the relationship. Believe me, I know from experience how that just doesn't work. Again, though, as I said, at least in your case there has been no deception.

In my case, I was 100% clear with my ex what I wanted out of life. I was 100% clear as to what I would consider acceptable in a partner in that respect. Frankly, I don't think what I expected was unreasonable. I had every intention of building a growing career for myself and continuing to soar. My hope was to some day make enough money to support myself, my wife, and any children we may decide to have. Really, all I wanted was to be able to make enough money to support that family, and yet still have enough left to save up money and occasionally be able to have fun with some of that money as well.

When it comes right down to it, I honestly never cared about how much money my partner makes. Hell, as it is, IF I happen to make enough money to support our whole family, I don't even care if she doesn't work at all. What really matters to me is that I know she can and will help support the family/me if and when it should be needed. Hell, for that matter, if our life-style didn't require it, I don't even care if she worked at all. To me, it's just about knowing that my partner is there to support us/our family in any way she can.

My ex pretended to be on the same page, but little by little I learned how much of a lie that was. She was the kind of person who WANTED all of that, but she didn't want to put in any of the work it takes to earn it. She expected life just to be handed to her. You know, the sad thing is I honestly maybe could have been okay with it if she had just been honest with me from the start. Maybe that would have been a deal breaker for me, maybe not, but at least we could have decided that then. Instead, she lied to me and pretended to be somebody she was not.

That's the thing about life. You can't want everything out of life, but then refuse to do what you need to earn it. If she didn't have any motivation to work hard to earn things, then honest to God, that actually COULD be fine.... so long as she is okay with the consequences of that. With living without the things she couldn't afford. The problem is, she wasn't okay with that. She wanted, wanted, wanted, but was never willing to be part of working to earn anything.

Anyway, I could go on and on so I will just stop myself there. The point of my sharing my story is basically to show you a worst-case scenario of how bad things could go if you were to try to just hope that he can change if you just stick with him. Maybe he can, but maybe he never will. So, honestly, you need to decide whether you can live with it if he is never any more motivated than he is right now. If you feel like you can't, then it is probably in your best interest to end things. IF it just so happens that actually winds up being the motivation he needed to shape up, you can revisit that then, but otherwise it would just be best if you move on. He may otherwise be a great guy, but that doesn't automatically mean he is the right guy for you.

Good luck to you. Sincerely.

[paul.bradley299]

[url=http://paulbradley299.wix.com/tech-support-r-1]tech-support-r-1[/url]

[musings]

Hi, Evil jester. Me not replying as soon to your response isn't a sign of being ungrateful. I just took the time to ingest what you said and shared. Thank you. I also took the time to see whether I was just emotionally unstable because of hormones or was just being meanie, some kinda like that. AM really thankful.

Well, honestly, I'm still with him... and we're still planning to start the shop together. However, I'm forcing him to share half of the capital. And am restraining myself to give all in as well. I just want to test how he's really willing to share and work harder for that since he kept telling me that it's a good business since it's about travelling.

However, it's already been a month since we talked about the capital. Though, I know, he has some things to pay for himself and stuff, he still failed to come up with what we talked about. Well, that's okay... but what disappointed me was I learned he bought some attire for himself (I didn't ask how much but he told me he spent it on his clothes and that clothing is quite expensive). Well, he has the right to do so... but thinking we talked about saving up... he still spent it on something that he can buy later... I just feel that it's unfair that am saving because am thinking of our agreement and then I learned he isnt doing the same. And sometimes, he loses money (like it fell off his pocket or something) and he runs to me. I don't know if am being understanding or stupid. Really.

I want to believe him and stick with him but i feel like am losing myself already. I actually asked him to let me go, to let things be but he gets angry. And when he's like that, I feel sad for him... yes, I really can't leave him.

Honestly, I don't want to reach that point where I would resent every little thing he does.

Tell me what's wrong with me. Lol. Cause really, sometimes, i feel like am already a monster when I get angry at him.

Sincerely... and thank you!

[TheEvilJester]

I don't know you in real life, but from what I've heard so far, my impression is that there is NOTHING wrong with you. So, you need to stop asking yourself what is wrong with YOU and start asking yourself what is wrong with HIM. So, despite him letting you down repeatedly, you still give him yet another chance. He promises he will take this new business venture seriously.....

Yet in record time he's already disappointed you and proven he's not a man of his word all over again. Believe me, I understand how hard it can be to let go of somebody.... but I don't think he could be giving you any more signs that this just isn't going to work. Again, if you didn't care all that much about his lacking motivation, that may be a different story. You DO care, and that doesn't make you wrong. Some people are fine with that lifestyle of not necessarily knowing if they will be able to afford to pay their bills, but they just think they'll always eventually be okay.

Some people can't live like that. Personally, I'm with you in that. I wouldn't say I'm overly concerned with it, but I bust my butt not to have to live wondering when I'm going to be able to pay my bills. I bust my butt so I can easily pay my bills and then still have money left over for fun..... and then yet still even have money left over to save. Personally, I wouldn't live any other way.

That doesn't make my lifestyle right or his wrong. It makes my lifestyle right for me and his right for him. The thing is, it doesn't sound like HIS lifestyle is right for YOU. If he's not likely to change that, then how are you ever going to feel secure in your lifestyle with him? You've tried giving him the benefit of the doubt, but nothing has changed. At this point, seriously, don't you think you'd both be better off with people who more closely match your goals in life? Yes, all relationships have rough times here and there, but a relationship shouldn't basically feel like a struggle at all times.

Again, I know it isn't easy. Believe me. But, this isn't just a minor little thing that can be ignored. If you're absolute favorite show in the world was American Idol and he HATED American Idol, I would definitely say that is a trivial reason to end a relationship. This is not trivial. This is a big deal, life style kind of difference. Unless you two really can find some common ground, how are either of you ever supposed to be happy?