Friendship: To Ditch, or Not to Ditch?

[melancholia]

I don't usually ask for advice, but I am faced with a dilemma and I'm not sure what I want to do about it.

My birthday was on Friday, and I had planned a dinner reservation at a nice restaurant. I had given my friends notice about it weeks in advance, as I know April is a busy month for most people. I invited one of my closest, best friends and her boyfriend to come to the dinner. She told me that she was definitely going to come to dinner. I had messaged her a week before the dinner, to double-check that they were coming (I double-checked with everyone), and she didn't reply. So I messaged her the day before my birthday to see how she was doing and whether or not she could make it to dinner. Again, no reply. So I figured she wasn't coming at that point, which was disappointing to say the least. Now, I don't usually make a big deal about my birthday, but this year was a difficult birthday for me because my mom, brother, and best friend (bro's GF) all moved out to Toronto in the summer, and this was the first birthday I had to celebrate without them. So I was really looking forward to having my other, closest friends with me to celebrate my birthday. Well, not only did she not show up to my dinner, but she didn't even message me to let me know she couldn't make it, AND she didn't even acknowledge me or say anything to me on my birthday. No message, not a word at all. I am not a psycho who thinks everyone needs to drop their lives to come have dinner with me, but the least she could do was send me a message saying, "Hey, sorry I can't make it to dinner, but I hope you have a great birthday."... she said nothing. Oh, but she did manage to share an FB post on Friday (my birthday) about Queen Elizabeth's 90th birthday (which was on Thursday).

What chaps me the most about this, is that she originally said she was going to come. Then she ignored my messages leading up to dinner, and didn't have the decency to say anything to me on my birthday? That is just hurtful to me. It's not like she forgot, because we have Facebook (which tells you when people's birthdays are), I have snapchat, instagram, and a f*cking cell phone. Sure, people get busy with their lives, but NOBODY is that busy that they can't take two seconds out of their day to send a happy birthday message to their friend. She isn't just some random person I just became friends with, we have been close friends for over 9 years. I have no idea why she would treat me like this.

So, I waited to see if she would message me after my birthday... nothing. So yesterday, I sent her a text asking if everything was ok, or if something happened. Because at this point, I thought maybe something happened to her or someone in her family... she didn't reply. So I messaged her on FB asking if her phone was broken... because honestly, I couldn't understand why she would just ignore me like this, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt by asking if something was up. Still! No reply! Oh, but she did post on Instagram after I'd messaged her! The number one, cardinal rule of ignoring people is never post anything, anywhere on social media if you are ignoring someone. Seriously, unless there was a death in her family, or she was in the hospital because of a freak accident and she lost the use of her hands, there is no excuse for not saying anything to me at all. This is so f*cked up. I have never treated her like this. I am a supportive, encouraging, and understanding person. If there was a reason she couldn't come to my birthday dinner, I would have been fine with any reason she had... but to blatantly ignore me repeatedly is inexcusable to me.

So here is my dilemma. Do I continue to reach out to her to try and talk about this? Should I let her know how hurt I am and see what she has to say? Or do I just drop her like a rock and move on? I am inclined to do the latter because after giving too many people the benefit of the doubt, I just don't have the capacity to tolerate this kind of shitty behavior from my friends. But, she is (was) a good friend to me for so many years, it's difficult to swallow the idea of just giving up on her.

Any advice would be appreciated. Sorry this was such a long post!

[megvoh]

Hi Melancholia

First off Happy belated Birthday to you

Two bads on her part, the ignoring you asking if she was still coming when she probably knew at that point she was NOT going and then to not say Happy Birthday in a short text and wish you a nice night, that sucks on her part. Unless there was a good excuse I would not label her a "best " friend anymore because best friends always have time for you no matter their own life struggles.
She could have sent your FB page a H Bday too then if she was online. Give you some love too especially after knowing you 9 years.

Something up in her life recently, got a new man? Do you like her man? Maybe he didn't want to go, so she didn't?

If it was me I'd drive over unannounced and speak to her in person and discuss what is going on with putting you on ignore at and around your bday and no replies afterwards. Don't go through social media or texts, let her tell you to your face, give yourself that respect if she won't give it. Then if she doesn't open the door, walk away leaving everything from now on up to her, you back off completely. maybe ask common friends what is wrong with her regarding you as well after.

- - - Updated - - -

Will try to reply tomorrow if you answer back, have to go to dins with my family now. But I'll repeat go over and see her in person.

[melancholia]

Thanks for your reply, Megvoh. I've messaged her twice since my birthday and she's ignored both of them. I would drive over to her house, but I don't have a car and she lives 2+ hours away from me via transit. She is dating a new man, whom I haven't met yet. Sure, maybe he didn't want to come and so she didn't, but that's not what I have the biggest issue with. It's that she didn't let me know she couldn't come, coupled with the fact that she didn't even acknowledge me on my birthday, and she has since continued to ignore me when I've reached out to her. Part of me wants to block her from everything and just not say anything at all, but clearly this is bothering me enough that I can't stop thinking about it. I have had so many friends treat me this way. They start out as super close friends and then for one reason or another, they drop me. Just like that. It hurts so much. It's why I refuse to rely on anybody because everyone, at some point, disappoints me.

I have other friends, it's not like she was my only friend. And I am so thankful to have those friends in my life. But I can't help but feel anxious that all my friends secretly don't care much about me, and they will all eventually pull this shit on me. She isn't the first and she most likely won't be the last, but it hurts just as much, regardless. Fuuuuuuuuck.

[TheEvilJester]

(EDIT: Woah! Sorry this got so long. This kind of thing just really hits home for me. If it's just too long, I understand. LOL! If that is the case, let me know and I can try to come up with a summary version of my ridiculous tirade. LOL!)

Let me start off by saying this, melancholia..... you are frigging awesome! You've been one of the regulars around here for as long as I can remember, and I have always enjoyed your posts. I can tell that you are awesome and I don't even know you in real life, that's how awesome you are.

I also have to preface my reaction with this caveat.... This kind of crap hits WAY too close to home for me. So, please keep that in mind as you read my thoughts on this, because it is entirely possible I am not partial enough in this situation.

Your story actually gets my blood boiling a little bit because I REALLY understand how you feel. I've had this kind of crap happen all too often to me in life, and it is why I simply do not trust people anymore. It really p*$$e$ me off to hear the same kind of self-doubt I myself suffer all too much being planted in your head because of SOMEBODY ELSE'S actions. So, the first thing I have to say specific to your situation is this.... You have every right to be upset. A good friend does NOT treat somebody like this.

Here's the thing. If she said she was coming to your birthday, but then didn't show up, that would be rude, but I wouldn't say you write somebody off for that. Maybe you reach out and ask what happened and they can give you an explanation. So, had it just been that, I'd say you give her the benefit of the doubt and give her a chance to explain herself.

....

Oh, but wait.... she didn't JUST tell you she was definitely coming and then just not showed up. She told you she definitely WAS coming, then ignored your messages when you later asked just to confirm she was still planning to be there. Now, let's pretend for a second it stopped there. Even then, I'd say that was crappy of her, and I'd be leaning towards maybe thinking she's not such a good friend.... but I'd still say you at least give her the benefit of the doubt and allow her to explain herself.

....

Problem is your story doesn't stop there. You've even reached out to her several times AFTER all this, and she still continues to ignore it. All that you could MAYBE forgive if she finally responded and had a DAMN good excuse.... but she obviously could not possibly have any reasonable excuse when you consider the fact that you mention she's had no problem posting random crap on her social media. So, obviously she has time to do that.

Quite frankly, in my personal opinion, at this point it doesn't matter what her excuse is. At this point, I don't care if she honestly DOES have some good excuse like a loss of a loved one or something. Yes, I'd feel sorry for her loss.... but that doesn't excuse the fact that if she had no problem posting stupid crap on her social media, she could have taken two seconds to send you a quick text or e-mail just to say "I'm so sorry, but I'm going to have to miss your birthday."

My honest, heart-felt advice to you would be to just write her off as a friend. MAYBE she'll finally reach out and have some kind of excuse. Even if she does, my personal advice would be to remain polite in any response you may give (I wouldn't bother letting her upset you enough to react negatively in any way) but to still no longer consider her a friend. That's just me, though. I've had WAY too many people betray me in life to ever allow that kind of crap. So, again, I freely admit maybe I am just a little too jaded and too close to this kind of thing.

Believe me, I know just how you feel. You want some kind of understanding as to how somebody who had seemed to be such a good friend could suddenly just drop you like that. The most important thing you need to understand is it is NOT YOU! Believe me, I know how hard that is to believe. But, remember that any good human being wouldn't do that to somebody. So, though you may not feel this way right now, you are better off without a jerk like that in your life anyway. It may take time, but in time you will realize that and she'll be nothing to you.

On the other hand, if you honestly do feel like you need to say something... that you will feel better if you say something and then you can move on.... Here would be my suggestion. (Again, keeping in mind this is just my personal thoughts on the matter. If this wouldn't feel right for you, you should do what feels right to you.)

Reach out to her in whatever way you are sure she'll see. E-mail, snail mail, whatever works for you. Take time to craft what you are going to say. Don't do it while angry. However, don't write it with the kid gloves on either. Use that as your opportunity to tell her how $h*tty a thing that was to do to you. Explain that it is perfectly okay if she couldn't come to your birthday, but she should have at least told you. Or at the very least, if something was going on, she could have told you. Make it clear that you cannot be friends with somebody who could do something like that.

....Then just leave it at that. Don't use heated language in your message or anything like that. Just very calm, cool, and matter of fact that it was unacceptable the way she treated you and that you cannot have people in your life who would do that.

Maybe she'll respond, maybe she won't. If she does and is very apologetic and sounds sincerely sorry, I'd honestly suggest you accept her apology and forgive her.... but still not accept her back as a friend. If she responds in any kind of rude, defensive fashion, or tries to turn it around to make YOU look like the bad guy here, just ignore her. That would honestly tell you all you need to know about her as a person.

Bottom line, though, it is completely unacceptable the way she has treated you. Know that you DO NOT deserve that. I know first hand how much this kind of thing can mess with your head. I know how much it can make you doubt yourself. So, if it might be hard right now for you to believe it yourself, I have no problems saying this to you.....

You rock! Anybody would be lucky to have you as a friend. If this gal had you as a friend and could do this to you, then she doesn't deserve you. That's HER loss, not yours. At least now you know she isn't a good person. It's just a shame sometimes they are able to hide that fact so much. But, you definitely deserve a much better class of friends. So, just cherish the people in your life who DO deserve you and remember that you are awesome.

[melancholia]

Hi theEvilJester. Thank you so much for those kind words, I really needed to hear that. I definitely feel like this situation is another example of why I don't like to rely on anybody, because everyone disappoints me. It's not like I have ridiculously high standards for my friends either, but I do expect to be treated with respect, and to receive the same level of energy and effort that I give to them. This situation with my friend makes me think that I don't know how to choose my friends wisely, as if I miss the signs that they aren't as great a friend as I'd thought... but also, it makes me question whether any of my friends actually even like me at all.

So I did message her yesterday to tell her what I thought, and that I was hurt she bailed without telling me, and ignored me... and her response did not make me feel any better. She said that she was going to call me apologizing, but that she had been sick since last Wednesday and then was in Sechelt (a place in BC) dealing with stuff, and then she didn't know my birthday was that day, but she could have said something the day after, but she felt guilty so she ignored me instead... that is LITERALLY what she said to me. She said she was going to call me instead of text me... but she didn't call me. She also didn't even actually apologize, she only told me she was going to. She basically said that she was too busy to think about me, and that she was ignoring me because SHE felt bad. So I didn't reply to that because I had nothing to say. I'm not going to make this into a bigger deal than it is. Clearly I wasn't on her mind at all, and she has too much going on in her life that she doesn't have enough time to spend extra energy on me. That is fine. I just won't be spending any extra energy on her anymore.

I need to start choosing better friends. People who have proven to me that they are there for me. I do have those people in my life and I am so thankful for them, so I need to focus on myself before anyone else, and then I need to focus on the people who care about me the way I care about them.

[megvoh]

Ok, since you don't have a car, does your BF have one, and you both can take a day trip or an over nighter trip to her city 2 hours away and head over to her apartment or house and confront her. To me face to face always beats txt, mail or even phone. She must feel guilty about something to ignore you, before during and after.
Try one more time to talk, but don't pour your heart out through email or text to her, because she can read and once again ignore and you still get no answers and it gives the upper hand doing it that way.

[melancholia]

Hi Megvoh, thanks for your suggestions. I did message her, and she gave me some bullshit excuse about being sick, and then too busy to acknowledge me. She said she ignored me because she felt guilty, but she still didn't apologize. I didn't have anything to say to her message, so I didn't respond. However, she has since blocked me on Facebook, so I am not in a place where I can calmly speak to her about this with a rational mind. I am livid with her about this. I am a reasonable, thoughtful, considerate person, so what ever the reason was that she couldn't come to my birthday dinner, she could have told me and I would have accepted it -- no questions asked. But to blatantly ignore me, and then give me the excuse she gave me, and then BLOCK me, is just pathetic, bullshit behavior. I have been through the ringer with friends and relationships that I've sworn never to tolerate that kind of immaturity and disrespect. If she is doing it because she is afraid of what I am going to say to her, then she must not know what kind of friend I am (and have been to her for over 9 years), because if she had come to me and apologized in the beginning, then everything would be fine.

I appreciate the advice given to me on here, but I can take this into my own hands now. I do have great people in my life who do care about me, so I am going to focus my energy on those people.

[TheEvilJester]

You know something.... If her excuse was true... that she felt so guilty she couldn't bring herself to talk to you, I could somewhat understand that..... but it doesn't make it in the least bit any more okay. People need to grow the Hell up and own up to their mistakes in life. She screwed up and either forgot it was your birthday, or had something else come up, or whatever. She should grow up, be an adult, and just be honest about it.

Though, I'm with you on it sounding like a load of crap. In fact, have you ever noticed when people are feeding you bull crap instead of admitting they screwed up... there always seems to be multiple excuses? Oh, so she was sick..... and then she was traveling..... Oh, and not only that but the whole time she just felt so guilty she couldn't bring herself to face you. ....Oh, and let me guess, the sun was in her eyes. And she lost her cell phone. And a band of ninjas kidnapped her and held her captive for days until Batman came to her rescue. And then she took a trip to Jurassic Park... but things went really bad.

Bottom line, she's shown her true colors. You don't need somebody that inconsiderate in your life, nor do you deserve it. I know from experience this is going to hurt for a little while, but just know that in time that will go away. In time you will be able to look back on this and realize that you are better off without somebody like that in your life. You have the right idea now. Cherish the people in your life who DO deserve their place in your life.

Good luck to you. I know this is easier said than done, but please don't let one jerk like this (or even a lot of jerks like this) hinder your faith that there ARE people who deserve to be in your life. Or hinder your drive to meet new people who deserve to be in your life. I, myself, am teetering on that brink these days. I would rather suffer that alone. I don't want to share that fate with you.

You are awesome, and the people in your life who realize that are the ones who deserve to have you in theirs. Somebody like that does not.

[breathe123]

I read most of your thread, Melancholia ~ she doesn't sound like a good friend to me, especially on ignoring your bday altogether but posting on social media same day. Do you think because you live far away from her she didn't want to make the effort of traveling to your bday?

As bad as it all makes you feel it is a gift now to know how she thinks regarding you and things that are important to you. Also her blocking YOU was a bitch move. Put her in your rear view.

[melancholia]

I think it's a combination of her not wanting to go out of her way to come to me, and not having any extra time to give to me. It's proven to me that she doesn't consider me to be as god of a friend as I thought about her. Now, I am well aware of that, and can move forward knowing that we just aren't as close as we once were. It happens as you get older, I just never thought it would happen with our friendship.

Thank you to all of you who took the time to reply to me. I really appreciate it!