I love him but we've broken up more than 15 times...

[LunV93]

I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months, I like him a lot and we've had a lot of fun and magical moments. But he is so insecure, and we have a lot of problems because of that. It all started when we were like 3 months together and he found some texts in my phone with a guy that used to be my teacher, he was asking me questions of my life and we were having a nice conversation, he asked me if I had a boyfriend and I avoided the question, I dont know why I did it, it was wrong and Im sorry, I wasn't going to cheat on my boyfriend or anything like that. Since that moment my boyfriend is super jealous, and we've had a lot of problems.
He says that he can't forget what I did, plus he says that the first months together I was really cold and that he tried to be very nice and romantic and that I kept being indifferent and cold, and now he can't be the same. I think that's really stupid because I'm not a social person and yes, the first months together it was difficult for me to express my feelings and to be totally myself but now, months after that I can be myself and I can be lovely and romantic because now I'm in love with him.
The main problem is that he breaks up with me a lot, he has broken up with me more than 15 times in 9 months, then we always talk and say that we love each other and that we can deal with our problems and be together because we are strong. We can be all good and have a really magical day and the next day he can wake up depressed and say that he can't forget everything that happened and that we shoud break up. When he acts like this I immediatly ask him not to leave and remind him all the good moments and how much I love him. I can't act different, it kills me. I've decided lots of times to accept his decision and finally break up but I can't.
He says that when he breaks up with me I treat him nicer and more romantic, but that he obviously doesn't like to do it and that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore.
This is really hurting me, he says that he loves me and acts really nice and we have lots of nice days and then we suddenly have a fight and break up, and every time I feel really really bad.
I don't want to break up with him, I want to work our problems out, I feel guilty for the conversation with my teacher and for all my cold attitude the first months. We talked and say we will share some ideas on how to solve our problems and rekindle the flame in our relationship cause we are so tired.
What can I do?

[pcmaster]

Too much drama too early in relationship. It seems like you both cant make a healthy relationship. Its like trying to clue a vase that broken in 100 pieces.

[TheEvilJester]

I know our advice is not what you want to hear, but I have to agree fully with pcmaster. Honestly, I personally cannot offer you advice to stay with him or I would not feel I am giving advice that is true to my heart. You two have only been together for 9 months. There is WAY too much drama for that early in the relationship.... a period that is SUPPOSED to be known as the honeymoon phase because that is when everything is exciting and new and you two are giddy and in love. ....But in this case, you've been together 9 months..... and he's broken up with you 15 times. Do you realize, that is almost TWO BREAKUPS PER MONTH?! I mean, just 3 more and it would be exactly that.

So, at that rate, that is basically akin to him breaking up with you every other week. Does that sound like a healthy relationship to you at all? Now, as far as this texting "incident" with your teacher, I guess you'd have to give more details for us to better understand. If you don't want to, I understand, but if you can give us some more context, that may help.

What exactly did you say to him? How did you avoid the topic? Also, you say you and your boyfriend had been together 3 months at the time. How close were you two at 3 months? Were you exclusive yet? Your answers to all of that (if you wish to provide them) may further clarify details that could help us better comment.

....However, it doesn't change the fact that if this happened when you were together for 3 months and you are saying you two have now been together 9 months..... that means SIX MONTHS have passed since that incident. Unless you've given him other reasons (and not his paranoid bull crap, but actual tangible reasons) to doubt your commitment to him in that time, 6 months is WAY too long to still be holding onto these feelings, especially given how minor an offense of which you seem to be guilty.

That, and I'd also be curious what exactly you did that was so "cold and distant" in the first month of the relationship. I ask because, honestly, in the first month of a relationship you don't really know each other. So, of course you aren't going to be all lovey dovey, super cuddly, and crazy in love. That doesn't make you cold, that makes you a normal human being who is excited to date somebody.... but not going to rush into something when you barely know the person. So, unless you really were super cold and heartless, I am more inclined to believe he just had unfair/unrealistic expectations so early in the relationship.

So, I know it isn't the advice you want to hear, but I cannot in good conscience give any advice other than that you'd be better off to leave him. You deserve to be happy and you deserve somebody who will treat you right. How can you ever have that with somebody who refuses to trust you even when you have given him no reason not to trust you? How can you ever have that with an immature child who holds onto grudges and never lets go?

From what you've shared so far, I see no reason why you should keep feeling bad when he breaks up with you, or feel like it is your fault. You should not be the one apologizing, he should be. You deserve better. If he can become that better, then great.... but I just can't imagine that happening with somebody like that. Good luck to you.

[LunV93]

Hi! Thanks a lot for your advice, regarding for the texting incident: My teacher texted me, he asked me my name, he said I look like a beautiful actress and he asked me about myself and I did the same, I was just trying to know him because maybe he might be helpful someday but in a good way, I wasn't going to date him or to sleep with him just to have some kind of help someday. Then he asked "do you have a boyfriend?, I don't want to cause problems" and I said "you don't cause problems". I know I kinda hid my boyfriend,and I was really sorry. My boyfried found that texts by accident and he felt really disapointed and sad, I deleted my teacher from facebook and never talked to him again. I know it was a sad situation but I don't know if I was such a bad girlfriend for what I did.
He says I was cold and heartless the first months because he did romantic things like writing me poems and songs, sending me really sweet texts, sending me love songs, and he says I always acted indifferent and said the same things like "Oh you are so sweet, thank you" and thats all. I feel really stupid because I apreciated a lot all that sweet stuff but I didn't know what to say, I was very shy and somethimes he overwhelmed me because we were being dating for just a few weeks.
Also I didn't do nice things for him, he had to tell me he wanted me to do sweet things for him like visiting him at work or calling him more often. I didn't even noticed I was acting so cold and I felt terrible, I started to do more sweet things, but now he says he feels like I just do it because he told me to, not because I want to. The truth is that I really want to make him smile, I feel happy visising him at work, surprising him with some candies, writing him letters, etc.

We talked and solved our problems AGAIN, and we are ok for now. I just feel that we fight a lot and it worries me that I always feel guilty for not acting the way he wants, like I always do something wrong that disapoints him.
Thanks a lot, it is nice to talk about this and to read your advice.

[Medina]

First of all stop fighting when you guys are about to debate with a topic. Also after having a debate don't go for a direct decision, instead stop talking for a while. When things are in control try to gently talk with each other.

[TheEvilJester]

To be honest with you, he has not endeared himself with me any further with the more details you have shared now. I mean, you were together a month.... and the guy is already writing you love poems and love songs?! Don't get me wrong... I'm quite a romantic myself so I am sure as heck not going to say there is anything wrong with super romantic gestures like that.....

When the relationship has hit the appropriate stage for that. A month into the relationship IS NOT the appropriate time to be THAT in love. Somebody acting THAT in love that early would make me think one of two things. One, they move way too fast OR... Two, they just try to act super romantic to get what they want (probably sex) and will likely ditch the gal once they do. I don't get the impression your fella is necessarily the latter, so perhaps he is the former.

Add to that he sounds extremely possessive and controlling. I mean, one month in and he's already telling you that you aren't romantic enough.... and asking you for romantic gestures? Nobody should ask you for something like that, it should be the sort of thing you do if and when it feels natural to you. Sure, you could argue that you should want to do those kind of things for him without having to be prompted..... you COULD argue that IF you two weren't only a month or so into the relationship when he started complaining about this.

Anyways, whatever. Blah blah blah. If you two have made up for now, then my concerns are a moot point, at least for the time being. I hope you are able to make it work. It's just, I at least hope you care enough about yourself to have a reasonable breaking point where enough is just enough and you realize you deserve better. Because, from what I've heard, you've done nothing wrong.

Okay... maybe you should have been more straightforward with your professor.... but even that was still early in the relationship... and was long enough ago that it should be forgiven and forgotten if there has not been any other reasons for concern.

Good luck to you either way. Believe me, even though I may not personally think staying with him is a good idea for you, if it is what you want then I would wish nothing more than for you two to finally get through all this and live happily ever after. It's just, again, I'd hope you at least care enough about yourself to have a breaking point where, if things do not get better, you realize it may be better for you just to move on. Again, best of luck to you.