Brace yourselves for a complicated one...

[th_05]

Any advice here would be greatly appreicted as this is turning me into quite frankly a mess. I met a girl in a bar 4 months ago.. we ended up hitting it off, seeing each other more and more regularly, having sex, etc. However there is a catch. She, from the start was in a relationship of 2 years, we both knew this. When we first met she spoke down on him and spoke about how she needed time to get to trust me in order for her to consider ending it. She has known him for a long long time and is fully integrated into his family, good friends with his mother and brother. I found this understandable as if he didn't mistreat her and she was deeply involved with him then it would be hard to just drop it all in order to be with me with the chance of it all turning sour in a short period of time. It seemed to me like the spark she had with him was gone and only if she was certain I was a better alternative would she make the change. So I let this continue, and continue, until basically we both loved each other. But she still loved him too, even though she was going behind his back. This became more and more stressful and resulted in us bickering and arguing quite often, until last weekend I couldn't take it any more and told her that I need to know something is going to change one day. This has now led to her basically having a breakdown and she has decided to call it off with me as she is still not ready to abandon a huge part of her life for someone of 4 months. She told me that she can't keep doing it and hurting me by not committing and hurting him, even though he doesn't know. This has destroyed me and for the last week I haven't slept and feel ill. I know that she still loves me as well as him, and I can't go and tell him, the poor guy, because I know that would finish things with me for good and I can't do that to her as I genuinely love her. I also know that the situation is recoverable, I'm just not sure how.. this sounds like she is playing one horrendous game and is playing us both but I can genuinely see how much it is hurting her to deal with it and take this decision. The question is what is my next move.

[TheEvilJester]

Honestly, I don't think you are going to like my personal opinions on the matter, but I couldn't, in good conscience, give you any other advice. Frankly, my advice is to walk away and not look back. She was wrong to even get involved with you in the first place. She wronged you and she wronged her boyfriend. To be honest with you, her attitude right from the start makes me think maybe she's not such a great person.

She feels like she no longer loves her boyfriend.... yet she doesn't want to leave him unless she has a replacement lined up? To me, that means one of two things. A) She's a heartless person who doesn't care who she hurts as long as she makes sure she gets everything she wants OR B) She has no intention of leaving him and just gets satisfaction out of having other guys who are crazy about her as well.

I'm sorry, but a good person does not string one person along while still in a relationship with somebody else who knows nothing about the whole thing. She's cheating on her boyfriend behind his back while simultaneously playing with your heart like it were a toy.

I'd like to believe she could just be a good person trapped in a bad situation, but a good person wouldn't do something like this. Especially considering it isn't like it "just happened." She very consciously chose to start a relationship with you even though she is still with her boyfriend. If she is going to leave her boyfriend, she should be leaving him because he's not right for her.... not leaving him because a better option comes along. Frankly, with her attitude, even if she did leave him to be with you, I couldn't help but wonder how long it would be until she'd do the same to you.

So, honestly, my advice would be to move on and forget her completely. Find yourself a gal who wants to be with you, and you only. Somebody who is available now, not somebody who is clinging to a relationship they claim no longer to want just until they find a better option. Again, I know that isn't the advice you probably wanted to hear. I am sincerely sorry to have to offer that advice, but I just would not feel right giving any other advice. Situations like this almost never end well.

Good luck to you!