Im in a mess

[Bedlington]

Sorry a bit of a long story but here goes...

I've been with my partner for 20+ years . We have a child in their early teens, we've done and achieved lots together! Even built a house!

The last 10 yrs haven't felt quite right though, I just thought maybe this is just the norm after such a long time together.

The last 2 yrs have been really bad though! Especially the last 18 months!
I initially put this down to changing jobs and the house etc..

I've since discovered that she'd got us into debt, I also have a strong suspicion that she's also spent our childs savings!
She reduced her hours to under 30 per week, I work double that and she was quite happy to let me carry all the financial burden aswel attempting to get me to work even more hours!

Things came to a head and we had a huge argument which resulted in me taking complete control of all our finances. We are now back on track.. she's increased her hours and sharing responsibilities.

She's a lovely natured woman who is extremely kind and considerate in every other way. I think things just got out of control and she didn't want to alarm me.

However the last 18 months have been particularly difficult for me. I just don't seem to feel anything other than friendship for her anymore. I don't like holding hands and I even avoid kissing her whenever possible.

I find everything so boring. She seems quite happy just watching tv and letting everything mount up around her. I try my best to keep things up together but as fast as I tidy up the mess just reappears:-(

I found out a year ago that she'd borrowed money off my family without my knowledge and never paid them back.

So for the past year I've been seriously considering leaving,
Then about 3 months ago whilst out doing the weekly shopping I noticed that I was being observed by someone, I recognised the face but couldn't place it .. then I had a friend request which I accepted. Our paths crossed again less than a week later! Again she was looking at me to the point she nearly walked into something!

The next evening I had a private message from her, the penny dropped... it was a girl from my old school bus! She's about 5 years younger than me so that's probably why I struggled to place her. I replied and things just evolved from there...

We messaged each other all the time, she finally persuaded me to meet her. We had a long chat and went our separate ways..
That didn't last long.. I could feel something growing between us... I felt an instant spark when we first met and every time we got together after that I became more infatuated with her! We kissed several times and I haven't felt so alive in 20 years! It felt so sensual and just so right!

I know you're going to find this hard to believe but I wouldn't allow it to go any further than that. We both wanted it to but we both agreed it would be totally wrong! I know what we were doing was already wrong. But we did manage to draw a line.

Over the following weeks we constantly messaged each other on a daily basis until it became apparent that for both of us we both thought of each other from the moment we woke up until we went to sleep.
She told me where she grew up and what her parents were like, we both grew up in the country and I was unaware that she lived the other side of the valley and I could see her house everyday! I still can ! She would love to move back to the country as do I ...

She told me of instances where our paths had previously crossed many years ago which she remembers vividly. She said she has been attracted to me ever since our school days!
I do remember meeting her previously unfortunately I couldn't even look at another woman sideways without getting grilled by the mrs so it was easier to keep my head down:-/
Many of her messages said that if you'd have looked into my eyes back then you'd see exactly what you see now!

We just have so much in common, she's extremely grounded and is a devoted mother to her children. Unfortunately or not depending on how you look at it her husband walked out on her around 2 years ago but now wants to get back with her..
the stress of the whole situation has made her ill, so after many failed attempts of us not contacting each other we've finally stuck to it!

I miss her like you wouldn't believe! Even though we mainly just messaged each other over the course of our brief time together, just like i explained to her I fell for the person behind the messages regardless of appearance! I'm just hurting like mad! Really struggling without her.

The whole experience has left me wondering what if....

I told my partner that I wanted to leave- move out for a while and sort out what I should do... this obviously hasn't gone down well and she's totally turned herself around! She's trying absolutely everything to get me to stay! ( trying too hard) I've also tried to change to see if we can rekindle things... we've even booked an appointment to see a counsellor.

I keep asking is what I feel for the other woman actually real or am I just clinging on to a piece of hope? and a piece of my childhood? I'm in my early 40's and possibly panicking that time is running out in terms of actually making sure I'm on the right road..

She has made me feel alive again!!
What should I do??

Sorry a bit of a long story but here goes...

I've been with my partner for 20+ years . We have a child in their early teens, we've done and achieved lots together! Even built a house!

The last 10 yrs haven't felt quite right though, I just thought maybe this is just the norm after such a long time together.

The last 2 yrs have been really bad though! Especially the last 18 months!
I initially put this down to changing jobs and the house etc..

I've since discovered that she'd got us into debt, I also have a strong suspicion that she's also spent our childs savings!
She reduced her hours to under 30 per week, I work double that and she was quite happy to let me carry all the financial burden aswel attempting to get me to work even more hours!

Things came to a head and we had a huge argument which resulted in me taking complete control of all our finances. We are now back on track.. she's increased her hours and sharing responsibilities.

She's a lovely natured woman who is extremely kind and considerate in every other way. I think things just got out of control and she didn't want to alarm me.

However the last 18 months have been particularly difficult for me. I just don't seem to feel anything other than friendship for her anymore. I don't like holding hands and I even avoid kissing her whenever possible.

I find everything so boring. She seems quite happy just watching tv and letting everything mount up around her. I try my best to keep things up together but as fast as I tidy up the mess just reappears:-(

I found out a year ago that she'd borrowed money off my family without my knowledge and never paid them back.

So for the past year I've been seriously considering leaving,
Then about 3 months ago whilst out doing the weekly shopping I noticed that I was being observed by someone, I recognised the face but couldn't place it .. then I had a friend request which I accepted. Our paths crossed again less than a week later! Again she was looking at me to the point she nearly walked into something!

The next evening I had a private message from her, the penny dropped... it was a girl from my old school bus! She's about 5 years younger than me so that's probably why I struggled to place her. I replied and things just evolved from there...

We messaged each other all the time, she finally persuaded me to meet her. We had a long chat and went our separate ways..
That didn't last long.. I could feel something growing between us... I felt an instant spark when we first met and every time we got together after that I became more infatuated with her! We kissed several times and I haven't felt so alive in 20 years! It felt so sensual and just so right!

I know you're going to find this hard to believe but I wouldn't allow it to go any further than that. We both wanted it to but we both agreed it would be totally wrong! I know what we were doing was already wrong. But we did manage to draw a line.

Over the following weeks we constantly messaged each other on a daily basis until it became apparent that for both of us we both thought of each other from the moment we woke up until we went to sleep.
She told me where she grew up and what her parents were like, we both grew up in the country and I was unaware that she lived the other side of the valley and I could see her house everyday! I still can ! She would love to move back to the country as do I ...

She told me of instances where our paths had previously crossed many years ago which she remembers vividly. She said she has been attracted to me ever since our school days!
I do remember meeting her previously unfortunately I couldn't even look at another woman sideways without getting grilled by the mrs so it was easier to keep my head down:-/
Many of her messages said that if you'd have looked into my eyes back then you'd see exactly what you see now!

We just have so much in common, she's extremely grounded and is a devoted mother to her children. Unfortunately or not depending on how you look at it her husband walked out on her around 2 years ago but now wants to get back with her..
the stress of the whole situation has made her ill, so after many failed attempts of us not contacting each other we've finally stuck to it!

I miss her like you wouldn't believe! Even though we mainly just messaged each other over the course of our brief time together, just like i explained to her I fell for the person behind the messages regardless of appearance! I'm just hurting like mad! Really struggling without her.

The whole experience has left me wondering what if....

I told my partner that I wanted to leave- move out for a while and sort out what I should do... this obviously hasn't gone down well and she's totally turned herself around! She's trying absolutely everything to get me to stay! ( trying too hard) I've also tried to change to see if we can rekindle things... we've even booked an appointment to see a counsellor.

I keep asking is what I feel for the other woman actually real or am I just clinging on to a piece of hope? and a piece of my childhood? I'm in my early 40's and possibly panicking that time is running out in terms of actually making sure I'm on the right road..

She has made me feel alive again!!
What should I do??

[Hooo!]

tl/dr: man in his midlife crisis
wife boring and cant handle any finance.
He gets to know new girl and is exited. Tells his wife he wanna leave.
Now she is trying (too hard?) to make him stay.


as to the OP: You have choices here to take. You dont know what will be a good or a better choice now.
You have a counsellor. Try to talk about it with them (and then maybe your wife)
you are in no hurry and can take your time.

think about what will be the best decision in about 10 years of time.
And ffs. if you dont want to give your woman a chance then why are you even staying?
Its not that shes a bad woman or anything. Dont be a dick and be nice to her. Have pleasure being with and around her.
You need to talk about such things with your partner and you need to do it regularly. Not just wait 10 years and then be like "oh by the way: im leaving you..."
If you dont talk with your partner (and it doesnt matter who that is) your relationship can so easily get off course.
So take action to actioally make what you have better, talk openly with everyone and start being honest for one.

[Bedlington]

Thanks for the reply.
Are you saying that I should tell my partner about the other woman?
I understand what you're implying regarding 10 yrs down the line ...
it's just I've never felt for my partner what I feel for the other woman:-( I really wish I could! I think I'm hanging around without actually making a decision because I'm so scared about making the wrong one. Part of me is hoping that this new found feeling will just slowly subside and I can focus on rebuilding what I've already got..
has it happened to give me a wake up call? Or has it happened because I'm just with the wrong person?

[shrah25]

Thanks for the reply.
Are you saying that I should tell my partner about the other woman?
I understand what you're implying regarding 10 yrs down the line ...
it's just I've never felt for my partner what I feel for the other woman:-( I really wish I could! I think I'm hanging around without actually making a decision because I'm so scared about making the wrong one. Part of me is hoping that this new found feeling will just slowly subside and I can focus on rebuilding what I've already got..
has it happened to give me a wake up call? Or has it happened because I'm just with the wrong person?

Hi [MENTION=85376]Bedlington[/MENTION]

Thanks for your messages and also for articulating them so well.

So your situation is not uncommon at all - in fact it's extremely common and one that can be resolved but it all depends on some key choices that you need to make.

I've always said that if you don't continue to grow a relationship, it will start to die - like anything in nature really. In this case, it sounds like there were some challenges you faced with your wife's financial decisions which would have definitely contributed, but whenever we have challenging moments like this, they present us with an opportunity to further grow our relationship (or part ways if need be). The interesting thing is that, in the beginning of a relationship, we make such an effort to create something amazing, yet when it progresses, our effort slowly tends to drop off which is why most relationships either fail or hit the 'dead zone' where there is no passion and both parties get lazy.

Trust me - I totally understand what you're going through as I've seen it with many clients as well as my own life and I get the excitement of something new. However, it's easy to get hooked to someone else when your own marriage isn't going well and hence, make rash decisions.

I understand it will be a bit of a turn off when your wife is lazy and the sex is average - i'm not surprised that you would be excited by the idea of this other woman. However, my personal view is that, the grass isn't necessarily greener on the otherside and sometimes there can be even more challenges than you can even comprehend right now.

Hence, In my personal opinion, given the length of time you have been together and the fact that you have a child, you owe it to all parties involved to give everything you can for the next 60 days minimum. Serve from the heart, meet her needs in the way that she needs it and if at the end of that time, things aren't shifting, then you can choose to make plans for the future. It sounds like you have her in a place where she is open to making some changes so this is an opportune time to have some open dialogue and express each others needs.

Remember, in the long run, love is always about giving and not getting. The trap that most couples fall into is that in the beginning, they are focussed on giving until it becomes official, then suddenly they take the foot off the pedal and then fail to give when absolutely necessary. Serve, and serve from the heart and you might just be surprised at what comes back to you

I Hope that all makes sense.

If you have any further questions, please let me know.

Thanks
Sri

[pcmaster]

I say, man, fck it ! Try it with the new girl. Life is too short. You dont wanna hold hands with your wife anyway so wheres the point if you dont and not giving it a good chance. You are not happy so something needs to change.

[Bedlington]

I really appreciate your replies! Honestly I do !
I've had no contact with the other woman for a month now. It's been up and down, I'd say that for 20 % of that time I've managed to cope and feel that I could somehow make things work at home... the other 80% I'm a total mess! Missing the other woman like you wouldn't believe!

At the moment as painful as I'm finding It iintend to give it another 6-8weeks...before making any real decisions.

What struck me this morning was that one of my best friends is getting married today and I read his post on Facebook on how he was so looking forward to his wedding day! There was a picture of his future wife across the table, I could actually feel his /their happiness! Then the moment where reality hit me ... what I'd give to feel like that!! I just can't say I've ever really felt like this with my current partner:-(

We attended the counselling session the weekend and I'm to choose a date night, which I have ,. We're going to be locked in a room and have to figure out some puzzles and clues to be able to escape the room before the hour is up!
She loves puzzles and she's very competitive! That's why I hate playing anything where we're competing against each other.
I'm hoping we can begin to work as a team again 🙏

I don't know... I just feel I owe it to my daughter at least to give it a shot.

On the sex front we've broken some boundaries.. but to be honest I feel guilty that she might think that if I eventually leave her she'd think she'd been used like a piece of meat! So at the moment I've refrained from initiating any physical activity. Until I feel different.. not sure if this is the right move?

[Hooo!]

you owe noone anything

fact: you have a woman who absolutely loves you.
You have had issues which you have not communicated in the past for a very long time and now you are still frustrated about them. But those issues are being adressed now.
you hopefully have learned to ADRESS issues as soon as they come up and then SOLVE them together IMMEDIATELY.

Concerning your future:
Do you see any way that you can be happily in love with your current wife, if you both work with each other at it?

[Bedlington]

I'm trying to find a way...
you're right she does love me! I suppose I should feel very fortunate, I feel extremely bad for not feeling so.

Even today I found myself looking at pictures of the other one😔 I just can't help myself!

Like my mate said to me - if she approached me in a pub and someone told me about all the baggage she comes with .. I'd probably drink up and head to the next bar! Crazy isn't it? But She just makes me feel so alive!

[Hooo!]

read this: http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/99860-love.html

you have a crush on that other woman

that doesnt mean you cant deeply love your woman. Love is something that can grow the more you want it and nurture it.
Having a crush is nice too, but for me at least it is true that every crush ends at some point. Ive had a crush once and then learned to love the person, but for me that was a difficult process.
I have once deeply loved another woman too, but i was very young then and didnt comprehend it then. Now i do and i am thankful for the experience. And it shows you that you can find true deep love more then once in your life. Which is a comforting thought.