Crazy about a work colleague who has a boyfriend

[Marksmith1]

Hi

Looking for advice. I have very strong feelings for a girl I work with. The problem is she has a boyfriend for 10 years who she lives with. Before anyone tells me off, I am not someone who would try and break up a relationship. Please hear me out.

I have worked with this woman for 2 years. We are both in our early 30s. I have never had any feelings for her until the last few months. She began asking me for work advice and we have become very close ever since. However, no romantic feelings in my part anyway. Over the past two months, things have changed for me anyway. Now when we talk the chemistry is unreal. She always starts the communication whether it is texts, calls or in person. We have the exact same interests to the point it is freaky.

She rings and texts me every day. She always begins the dialogue. She starts off asking me about work things and then we talk for hours about all things under the sun. I have just come home from work a few hours ago and she called me and we spoke for an hour. She wants to know what I am doing and seems to want to know everything about me. She never mentions her boyfriend when we speak. I have met this man who is much younger and they seem to be complete opposites. However, I appreciate she still lives with him and must have some feelings for him. Is it just a relationship of habit. I don't know. I know people will say if she leaves him for me then she will do the same to me. I appreciate this. However, the heart wants who the heart wants.

When we are at work she always smiles and comes straight to me. She plays with her hair when we talk and keeps eye contact. She gets very close when we talk but would not be a touchy feely person.

I would be grateful for your advice as I have very strong feelings for her. I do not feel she is flirting for attention etc as I know she is not like that. However, I don't know if she wants to be a very close friend or more.

I hope to hear from you.

Thanks

[Wakeup]

She has a boyfriend. If she wants to "be more" then she should be single. Keep your personal boundaries and distance yourself, don't be answering her calls after hours so that YOU don't keep crushing on someone who is not free to make "more" happen.

Do you understand?

[toshiba]

Is it just a relationship of habit. I don't know.

Could very possibly be! There are so many people together just because it's convenient, or it's hard to meet someone else.

This is a very touchy area... SHE would have to make the first move, but you can suggest doing something with her, just the two of you to make her feel more comfortable. Take one of your common interests and ask if she wants to get together. She has an easy "out" if the answer is no, she can simply say she has a BF.

[SummerNight]

Could very possibly be! There are so many people together just because it's convenient, or it's hard to meet someone else.

This is a very touchy area... SHE would have to make the first move, but you can suggest doing something with her, just the two of you to make her feel more comfortable. Take one of your common interests and ask if she wants to get together. She has an easy "out" if the answer is no, she can simply say she has a BF.

That's great advice. If you suggest doing some activity together like going to movies or smth and she refuses because of the boyfriend then you have tried and she loves her bf and that's that. But if she agrees then take it from there. So many people live together/are in a relationship out of habit. Don't be afraid to make a move just because she has a boyfriend.

[friendsfirst]

Don't be afraid to make a move just because she has a boyfriend.

What?? That's terrible advice and completely disrespectful. A woman with a significant other, especially one of TEN YEARS is off limits. Don't put her in the predicament to be allowed to cheat. If she wants to see what other fishies are out there, she needs to leave and then he can hit on her. Don't make a move on a committed woman!

[SummerNight]

What?? That's terrible advice and completely disrespectful. A woman with a significant other, especially one of TEN YEARS is off limits. Don't put her in the predicament to be allowed to cheat. If she wants to see what other fishies are out there, she needs to leave and then he can hit on her. Don't make a move on a committed woman!

Yes, in a perfect world, this would be nice and dandy but unfortunately, this is not a perfect world or a movie made in Hollywood. People are scared to dump their boyfriends because they are afraid to be left alone. There are countless relationships out there that are not functioning and the couple barely even tolerate each other.

All is fair in love and war. The guy is not making her DO anything. The girl has her own mind and if she wants to "cheat" or not, it's up to her and up to her ONLY.

[friendsfirst]

He's not making her do anything, but he is putting her in the predicament to be allowed to cheat. If she indeed acts up on the temptation, their relationship would forever be laced with mistrust, simply because of how it began. It's a bad idea, perfect world or not. Bad advice.

[Wakeup]

Yes, in a perfect world, this would be nice and dandy but unfortunately, this is not a perfect world or a movie made in Hollywood. People are scared to dump their boyfriends because they are afraid to be left alone. There are countless relationships out there that are not functioning and the couple barely even tolerate each other.

All is fair in love and war. The guy is not making her DO anything. The girl has her own mind and if she wants to "cheat" or not, it's up to her and up to her ONLY.

Just when I thought things couldn't get any stupider around her with "Treehugger posting every ****ing mundane and idiotic thought in HER head... along comes "summernight."

Oh joy!

[friendsfirst]

Just when I thought things couldn't get any stupider around her with "Treehugger posting every ****ing mundane and idiotic thought in HER head... along comes "summernight."

Oh joy!

Treehugger is a constant source of thankfulness for being an adult.

[Marksmith1]

It seems this site and in particular this post where I thought I would get meaningful advice is in fact used as a forum for users to have pops at one another. Thanks folks

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Who is tree hugger?

[melancholia]

What?? That's terrible advice and completely disrespectful. A woman with a significant other, especially one of TEN YEARS is off limits. Don't put her in the predicament to be allowed to cheat. If she wants to see what other fishies are out there, she needs to leave and then he can hit on her. Don't make a move on a committed woman!

I agree with most of this; however, I do not agree that anyone can "make" someone do something they don't want to do. The OP cannot put her in the position to cheat, only she can do that. Having said that, anyone who is giving you advice to continue this relationship is giving you terrible advice. You have two choices here: Tell her how you feel and see how she reacts, but make sure you take her reaction and words very seriously. Or, don't tell her how you feel and move on. You should probably start creating some firm boundaries with this woman because honestly, you aren't being her true friend if you have romantic feelings for her. She may be thinking that your relationship is strictly platonic, and her omission of information about her boyfriend could be brought on by many things, one being that she respects her relationship enough not to talk to other men at work about it. We can't possibly know what her current relationship is like, if she's happy or not. But the one thing we do know is that she is in a relationship with someone else and it's not up to you to decide whether or not she is unhappy.

I suggest you put this infatuation in the back seat right now. It's highly attractive when we see someone who is in a committed relationship with someone else because we feel like they could be that way with us. However, starting a relationship on the foundation of infidelity is not a wise move. If you want to be her friend, be her friend, but you will have to take some steps at changing the dynamics of your friendship so that your attachment can subside to allow for a platonic friendship to blossom.

[Wakeup]

It seems this site and in particular this post where I thought I would get meaningful advice is in fact used as a forum for users to have pops at one another. Thanks folks

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Who is tree hugger?

You got "meaningful" advice. You even got advised on what advice you should not take... Two for the price of one.


P.S. "Treehugger" is a troll.... er I mean, poster around here.

[friendsfirst]

It seems this site and in particular this post where I thought I would get meaningful advice is in fact used as a forum for users to have pops at one another. Thanks folks

Meaningful advice was given. Don't go forward with this woman. Instead, respect the relationship she is in.

[Lilly328]

some people are just friendly, which is easy to give some people the wrong idea.

[melancholia]

It seems this site and in particular this post where I thought I would get meaningful advice is in fact used as a forum for users to have pops at one another. Thanks folks

- - - Updated - - -

Who is tree hugger?

I think I gave some sound advice. Even after reading it twice, I don't think it carries judgment or condemnation toward your situation. A lot of people on this forum are regulars and talk in reference to other threads/posts from time to time. Sift through those posts and read the ones that resonate best with you and apply them to your experience. Nobody is judging you here; but nobody is just going to tell you what you want to hear, either.