Hello, I usually always read posts on this forum but never posted, but I feel as though this could potentially help me deal with my current situation. This is going to be very long so apologies. So I was 17 years old and my partner 18, we was together for 6 years, I am now 24. We had a amazing time together, he had always been infatuated with me throughout the relationship, we argued at times like any normal couple would but we always stuck with one another, never breaking up.The longest we went without speaking with like 2 days at the most. The last year of the relationship was hard, we come from different worlds, my life is quite normal I had a great upbringing, parents that would do anything for me, whereas for him, his best friend was murdered when he was 15, no relationship with his dad, his mum kicked him out when he was 20 ( he lived at my house for 2 years ) both grandpas are dealing with cancer, despite all of his dramas he remained a amazing person, going college university, graduating. I stuck with him throughout, being human maybe now i realise i wasnt as perfect as i thought i was in the relationship because i always assumed it would be us. i had my bad points, i become addicted with the gym, our sex life wasnt as great as he wanted it to be due to some health issues of mine but we made it work, we were inseparable. He did used to air his issues to me and say that the lack of sex life and my gym addiction was hurting his self esteem, i said i understood and would change but i never really did.

Anyway December 2015 we had a bad month, he let me down in ways i could never imagine, my birthday he didnt even wish me a happy birthday, he didnt participate in my boxing day family party, my birthday present to the hotel he bailed out on. This all upset me in ways i could never imagine but i still stuck with him, little did I know a month later he would break up with me (all makes sense)



So February just gone we had a argument & he ended it, when he ended it i seemed content because my last few months werent exactly the happiest of memories, but the more i broke down the situation the more i realised i was heavily to blame & perhaps i was in the wrong, so i decided to sort my gym obsession out, read some self help books on how to be positive, since February we have been in contact. He contacts me at least every week asking how I am, seems he is going through alot more at the moment, his grandpas cancer has got worse (who he is now living with) his nan is not well also, his dog who is practically his child lol has some health issues either. Still, he confides in me and looks to me for that comfort, I felt i was to blame so i decided i had to fight for our relationship i wrote a 3 page letter to him explaining how much i loved him but also explaining why i was the way i was in the relationship and how i didnt want to be her no more, i also invited him over to dinner friday just gone where i would give him the letter. He come, I was so nervous, hadnt seen him for 6 weeks! As soon as i saw him he kissed my forehead like the old times. It felt so normal, like the old times, we spoke laughed had jokes. He was complimenting me on how i looked, my cooking skills lol my body my new hair cut. As we was sitting down to dinner he went to the toilet he come back and he looked very upset he looked at me and said he didnt think it would be this hard seeing me. I started to cry but i didnt want to start this conversation so early on into his visit that i changed subject which he was happy to do. Anyway the remainder of the night went well. It got really late and his grandpa would be mad if he got home that late so he stayed in my parents bed (they were on holiday) the next morning we had the dreaded chat. The way he looked at me was like he always did, he was still deeply in love with me it was obvious. he would stare at me for like 5 minutes straight expressionless. But he said he was confused and had no answers, and he just doesnt have that umphh in him like he used to to make it work, how i killed his self esteem. I tried to let him know i understand where i went wrong and i didnt do that to him because of him it was because i was fighting my own demons, he just kept saying he loves me and i am so beautiful but he would rather know he f'cked up (i assume in losing me when it was the wrong thing to do) we hugged alot, proper hugs like emotional hugs, in a way it was lovely having him that one last time but breaking my heart i done everything i could do to proove to him but he still didnt want me back even though he was still really in love with me.

He just sounded very unsure within himself. I said his heart wants me but his head is telling him not to, which he agreed with. but then he said he will always love me, he even mentioend the fact his aunt and uncle who are now happily married broke up for 6 months, he was also mentioning the fact no other person will ever understand him like i do, i went though 6 years of his life with him, that is from when his relationship with parents deteriorated etc. No other person could understand his relationship with his dog, & i felt like that scared him, he was basically saying everything i ever wanted him to say except the words he wants to be with me. There is probably some information i have left out but i still have so much hope we will be back together one day but then a part of me just hopes. Im broken, literally words cant explain the pain im feeling now. I think im just struggling to understand how he feels, he clearly has alot on his plate and he still loves me so much so why doesnt he want to be with me, is this a decision he is 100% clear about. when i ask him if he is certain with this he just says he doesnt have answers, he still goes football with my brother on mondays he still has a wardrobe of his clothes and 20 pairs of trainers at my house which he hasnt mentioned about collecting, is he using me to store them or will he use that as a excuse down the line to see me? I just dont know what to think I dont know if I am just so love struck im not seeing the picture clearly because i dont feel he is 100% in his decision to not be together. . .