When your ex moves on :(

[Rapto]

Hi all.
Background. With my ex for 3.5 years. Lived together for 2. We broke up mid October. And today I've found out she's dating someone new now already.
I thought I was just moving on and being happy on my own but this has knocked me for 6 and I can't even think straight.
The reality of our memories and everything suddenly being meaningless just kills me.
Never felt anything like this before. I can't focus on anything in or out of work other than my memories. I feel obsessed at my sadness.

Is this a normal feeling? It's only the real serious relationship I have had. My head is in a mess.

[pcmaster]

This is not normal feeling but its understandable where you come from. Meds can help you feel better - with them you would feel normal even when thinking about past. But they can reduce or even lock out memories from past. I been in a mess too and went to psychiatric and they fixed me with meds.

[TheEvilJester]

Let me just make sure I'm understanding. You just broke up THIS October, right? The way you worded it, I wasn't sure if you meant you two have been broken up for 3.5 years or if you meant you two were together 3.5 years and just broke up last month.

Either way, though, I can't really agree with pcmaster. No offense intended, pc. I almost always find myself agreeing with you. However, I personally DO think what you are feeling is perfectly normal. You were together with this woman for a long time. Not only that, but you say it is the only serious relationship you've ever had. So, it makes sense that hearing that she's moved on already is hurtful to you. I will put it this way, she strikes me as being kind of heartless if you two just broke up last month and she's already dating somebody new. Sounds to me like you honestly dodged a bullet there.

Time heals all wounds. Believe me, in time you will realize that you two weren't the right match anyway. For now, just take some time to heal. Take some time to once again learn how to be happy just by yourself. Get yourself to a good place where you don't feel you NEED a relationship.... but maybe you still want one anyway. In the meantime, you can help yourself along by leaning on friends/family/loved ones a little more. As best you can, though, try to do so in a way that helps to life you up. In other words, don't use it just as an excuse to share with them how you are feeling. Yes, you can talk about that if you'd like, but just make sure you are also using their company as an excuse to forget all that and just enjoy yourself.

When you start to feel better, get out and socialize more. Maybe take up some new hobbies, especially if they are ones you can do with other people. Eventually you will meet somebody new. For now, though, just get back to being happy within yourself.

If you two just broke up last month, then of course you are still going to be sad now. Now isn't the time to consider professional help or medication. Don't me wrong, though, if things ever get bad enough, then yes, please do seek out that help if you need it. I'm just saying, if you just ended things last month then of course you wouldn't be over that yet.

If I misread and you actually meant that you two broke up 3.5 years ago, then yes that may be time to start seeking some outside help. You certainly shouldn't allow yourself to be stuck in limbo for that long hurting over a past relationship and not allowing yourself to move on and find somebody new. Or even just to at least be happy in and of yourself even without a new relationship.

Good luck to you!

[pcmaster]

Well its normal considering the situation but not a normal feeling in everyday life and not a healthy way to feel and handle breakup.
If you feel clinically depressed and feel like you cant get back to normal mood on your own then meds are way to go if this is the case.

Its just like you are sick and have fever - you might get better eventually or you might take meds and feel better real soon. Also you might never really feel normal without outside help.

[S0NofHAM]

I tend to agree with TheEvilJester.

I also had a breakup in mid October, and we were together only 8 months, but it felt like longer, and I've been crying almost everyday since then, but I'm finally pulling through, and I didn't have any meds (prescribed anyhow). I did see a counselor twice a month though. I felt like my world collapsed, and it did, but I'm finally pulling through because I'm finally stopping to obsess on the past, and the fantasy. I couldn't focus for a month, and her face kept popping into my head everyday, whether I looked at pictures or not. Basically, I've finally let her go, and I realized that if I cried for her about 100x in the last month, and she hasn't cried for me once, soit to some degree was a situation of unrequited love, and I realized that I deserve to be with someone who loves me right now, not a month ago or four months or whatever.

I also got out of a 3 yr 9 mo relationship this January, but that didn't hit me nearly as hard as this last one a month ago. Every relationship is different, and some losses hit us hard, and others not so hard.

So I think that what you're going through is normal. I think it means that you really loved her, and you were stuck in this cycle of obsession over a fantasy like I was. I understand *completely* how you feel. Here's what I've been feeling the last month:
-sweet memories are painful
-obsessing over the past
-crying everyday
-inability to focus on my work or anything
-feeling lonely, guilty, and regretful
-wishing for what could of been

Here's my advice to you:
-Ask yourself how many times you've cried in the last month, and how much it has affected you and your depression and inability to focus, and how many times you wished to back together, and then ask her the same questions. I did, and it worked wonders to heal me. I'm not completely healed yet, but I've definitely made progress and I'm not crying everyday anymore (closer to every other day).

[TheEvilJester]

And, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I disagree with seeking professional help and/or using medication. I'm just saying, sometimes in life bad things happen and we feel bad as result. Honestly, sometimes the only healthy way to truly get over something is to allow yourself to feel your feelings. I know that sounds cheesey like a Saturday morning special. LOL! But, I think in this day and age doctors are too quick to over-medicate people. Sometimes you really do just need to deal with your feelings and therefore pull out of it stronger and wiser.

Again, though, if ANYTHING ever does get to be too much to handle and/or starts effecting your life too negatively, then please do not hesitate to seek out help. I like PC's analogy of having a fever. If you have a fever, sure you will eventually feel better even without medicine..... but why not take the medicine and feel better sooner? Sometimes I think people, especially men, think it is like a sign of weakness or something. Like, they have a terrible headache but won't take aspirin because it is a sign of weakness. I think that is completely stupid. When I have a terrible headache... could I take it and just suffer through until it is over? Sure. No problem at all. I COULD..... but why the Hell would I want to when I could pop a couple Excedrin and my headache will be completely gone in minutes?

So, the same can be said for suffering from depression if it were to be bad enough that it has become too difficult to fight alone.