I've always wondered...

[UKboy]

That's not a placeholder. That's a "PlanB". A placeholder is a dating or relationship partner who is "holding" that place until someone better, or someone they are waiting for, comes along. The key point is that one partner knows his/her dating partner is not what they are looking for longterm.

E.g. Guy loves girl but girl is dating his friend. So guy dates some other gal for sex but isn't really interested in a permanent relationship. That 'other gal' is a placeholder.

That's just one example. There are lots of variants of this.

Alright,perhaps i haven't made myself clear.
Let's say that friend neglects you but is hot and cold towards you,when she's cold,she's really indifferent but when she's friendly,she shows signs of stringing a person along.

I guess that would put that person in the placeholder circle which eitherway,is a total utter respect don't you think?

Because however i try to see it,plan B or placeholder are pretty much what they call emergency button to fall on.
None sound like a pretty idea eh.

[Cain]

That is correct.

I would give it two or more dates though. The first date is just to see whether we have potential for a relationship.

I can't imagine dating him for too long if we already know we are not the one for each other....or what we were looking for. If he is looking for something serious and I am looking for something casual isn't it wrong to string them along or even use them as a placeholder? We need to be in agreement.

Sure, if you're both seeking different things. But if you're both looking for a serious relationship then how can you expect to have enough chemistry in two dates to know that he's the one for you?

I think it takes a little more than that but to each his own.

[lesa]

Sure, if you're both seeking different things. But if you're both looking for a serious relationship then how can you expect to have enough chemistry in two dates to know that he's the one for you?

I think it takes a little more than that but to each his own.

Come on Cain. I thought I knew this guy for about a month and even dated him for one or two dates already?

[Cain]

Come on Cain. I thought I knew this guy for about a month and even dated him for one or two dates already?

Would you rather that he date you and another girl for three months? Five? A year?

The point of this wasn't to say that after a month he chose the other person because he felt like she was his life partner. It was because he might not feel good about dating multiple people for extended periods of time and therefore decides that he wants to choose. That's all.

[IndiReloaded]

wow. i always took for granted how simple dessert is.

i had this cake one time called triple seX chocolate cake. yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmm.

Oh. I thought you were going to mention... beefcake!

Anyway, fixed your post.

[starbuck]

If someone that you were interested in chose another person over you and then they broke up, would you still try to get with them? Or would you consider that they had their chance, blew it, and that you aren't a second place prize?

Everyone feels that they should be their partner's first choice, but in reality aren't we all second place prizes? For the women on here, early on do you think that your partner would have chose you if a famous celebrity woman had been wanting him? Likewise for the men?

How do you all feel about it? Would you step away from that person entirely or would you still give it a shot? Would it always be in the back of your mind?

I probably would not still try to go out with the person who chose another over me even if he were single again. Once I realize a guy isn't interested in me, I move on and don't look back. Maybe this is inflexible and rigid, but it's just what I've always done to help deal with breakups or relationship disappointments. It's a very conscious decision, but it helps soften whatever ego bruising I might feel.

Maybe it's a pride thing or maybe not, but either way, there are so many people out there, I never felt the need to hang on to the thought of any one person.

I also don't think we're all second place prizes. Y was not dating multiple women while he was dating me so how can I feel like his second choice? Maybe he's had heartbreak before me, but I'm pretty sure I am the girl he'd choose over any he's been with before.

[TheGreek]

I'm kinda dealing with something rather similar to this. There was this girl that I really liked back in November '08 and we went on two dates that were great in my opinion. But on the second one, she had been at the Renaissance Festival all day and had been drinking there so she was kinda tired. When we came back to my house, she fell asleep in my arms while we were watching a movie. After that, she never called me or texted me. I wondered what happened and then about 3 weeks ago, she messaged me on facebook and we had a little chat. And then just this week, she messaged me again and we had a fun little chat for about 30 minutes. I'm beginning to think that she was embarrassed for some reason. So, my thinking is, if she's contacted me twice then it seems rather obvious that she's interested and I've decided to give her a call in the next day or two and go have lunch with her and maybe go to the mall. So, that's my 2 cents on the subject.

[Cain]

I probably would not still try to go out with the person who chose another over me even if he were single again. Once I realize a guy isn't interested in me, I move on and don't look back. Maybe this is inflexible and rigid, but it's just what I've always done to help deal with breakups or relationship disappointments. It's a very conscious decision, but it helps soften whatever ego bruising I might feel.

Maybe it's a pride thing or maybe not, but either way, there are so many people out there, I never felt the need to hang on to the thought of any one person.

I also don't think we're all second place prizes. Y was not dating multiple women while he was dating me so how can I feel like his second choice? Maybe he's had heartbreak before me, but I'm pretty sure I am the girl he'd choose over any he's been with before.

But him not choosing you doesn't mean he wasn't interested. Once again, we're assuming that both people have only known the chooser for a month. Can it really bruise the ego that much after a month?

And once again, I'm not saying that you should wait for that person to be single again. Definitely not. I'm saying if one day both people happen to be single again.

All I'm saying is that out of every other women in this world, you're likely going to be a second choice over someone's main choice if they had their pick of anyone. I'm sure that I wouldn't be someone's first choice out of every man in this world either. That's what I think of when my ego gets bruised.

[starbuck]

But him not choosing you doesn't mean he wasn't interested. Once again, we're assuming that both people have only known the chooser for a month. Can it really bruise the ego that much after a month?

And once again, I'm not saying that you should wait for that person to be single again. Definitely not. I'm saying if one day both people happen to be single again.

I'd get over the initial ego bruising for sure. But for me, once I've emotionally moved on, it's hard for me to go back to a place where I feel open to someone. I just can't make myself do it. (It's how I've always dealt with breakups and the like) Chances are, by the time the guy has become single again, I've either found someone else or just may not be in the right headspace to date him again.

You're right though. The guy didn't do anything wrong. But the knowledge that I was not his first pick might factor into any future relationships with this guy, especially in the beginning of the relationship. Could I get over it? Sure. But to say it wouldn't have an effect, wouldn't be honest.

[Cain]

I'd get over the initial ego bruising for sure. But for me, once I've emotionally moved on, it's hard for me to go back to a place where I feel open to someone. I just can't make myself do it. (It's how I've always dealt with breakups and the like) Chances are, by the time the guy has become single again, I've either found someone else or just may not be in the right headspace to date him again.

You're right though. The guy didn't do anything wrong. But the knowledge that I was not his first pick might factor into any future relationships with this guy, especially in the beginning of the relationship. Could I get over it? Sure. But to say it wouldn't have an effect, wouldn't be honest.

And that's where I think it's a little odd.

As I've mentioned, maybe you just didn't give off as good of a first impression as you could? He's not a psychic. He can't predict how you'll be in the future.

But everyone does what they want to do. Personally, I wouldn't wait for this person. I would continue with my life and with dating other people. If I still liked them and we both happened to be single then I'd give it a shot. If it happened again, however, then I would probably say no more.

[starbuck]

Is it odd? I never really thought about it. It's just how I would deal with the rejection. I'm not trying to punish the guy.

I totally see what you're saying though. It probably seems like I have some sort of crazy, easily-hurt pride, but I just find it emotionally pointless to still harbor feelings towards someone who rejected me. When he becomes single again, who knows if my feelings towards him will be the same? Chances are I wouldn't have the same fire for him that I might have had when we were first dating.

[lesa]

I just think the guy is not that into me. That's what I've been trying to say. It's not an ego bruise or being second choice but more about having less attraction or chemistry for the person. It seems that he is settling until a better person comes along.

So I give him a chance, we have a few dates and then what? Are we happy, is this casual, what are his expectations for getting with me? What if he dumps me after those few dates...I should have known? He never was that attracted to me from the beginning!

[Cain]

I just think the guy is not that into me. That's what I've been trying to say. It's not an ego bruise or being second choice but more about having less attraction or chemistry for the person. It seems that he is settling until a better person comes along.

So I give him a chance, we have a few dates and then what? Are we happy, is this casual, what are his expectations for getting with me? What if he dumps me after those few dates...I should have known? He never was that attracted to me from the beginning!

But you're making it so black and white. He either thinks you're amazing or he doesn't? What if the level of chemistry was nearly identical to the one he chose but just slightly lower?

[starbuck]

But you're making it so black and white. He either thinks you're amazing or he doesn't? What if the level of chemistry was nearly identical to the one he chose but just slightly lower?

You're never going to really know what his level of chemistry was unless he tells you and he's unlikely to do that. It's only black and white because he CHOSE someone else in your scenario. If he had said he'd like to date both, then it wouldn't be black and white.

Again, it's not punishing the person for not being into you, it's moving on emotionally for your own sake. Isn't this the advice we frequently give other posters here? If someone isn't into you, move on?

[Cain]

You're never going to really know what his level of chemistry was unless he tells you and he's unlikely to do that. It's only black and white because he CHOSE someone else in your scenario. If he had said he'd like to date both, then it wouldn't be black and white.

Again, it's not punishing the person for not being into you, it's moving on emotionally for your own sake. Isn't this the advice we frequently give other posters here? If someone isn't into you, move on?

That makes it sound like I'm saying that you should wait for the person. Moving on is fine. That's perfectly acceptable. But does that mean that you erase any chemistry you had with the person?