Advice & Help Needed - Years of caring for someone I shouldn't care for at all.

[Confused__Man]

Hey everyone, here is some background on my problem which is like a pain that I carry around with me that cannot be gotten rid of! I have known this girl since 2003 and liked her from the very start and after asking for her number through a friend I knew we swapped email and msn contacts online to chat which is my only means to contact her these days. I met up with her in 2004 and we spent a weekend together doing stuff like going out and shopping etc, we did sleep together although that maybe have been a little too soon.

The reason why I waited until that time was that she was seeing someone during the 03 - 04 periods, a guy who was almost obsessed with her and would not leave her alone. When my chance came I did take it and we did have chemistry... we even had nicknames for each other. When I left at the end of that weekend she looked sad that I was going.... I expected a relationship to follow and thought that I had found someone that I really did like (this never happens with me) and that she clearly felt similar.... but everything went quiet. Then... weeks later she contacted me and I spent a night with her just giving her a cuddle.... the news was that she had become pregnant by her ex (the guy she was seeing before).. I just hugged her and made sure she was okay that night.

I at that time felt like my heart had been ripped out as you would expect and well.... I tried to be friends but things were awkward... and well I may have been a little immature about matters looking back but we were both young. Eventually we had a row... she gave her ex another chance (for baby’s sake) and our chance was gone... I was hurt and eventually we had a row in which I was a little nasty to her and stopped talking. Three years passed... contact was lost but there was always this tiny bit about her at the back of my mind... it was kind of unfinished business. Then one day I started to receive messages from her again via windows messenger (I had deleted but not blocked her contact and forgotten all about it) - I was at work and a bit shocked especially at what she was saying to me.... She had seen a picture of me and my current girlfriend online and reacted to it blurting out about why am I so great etc.... I was shocked at what I was reading.... eventually she claimed down and we started to chat again and it turned out that she has seen me in a bar with another girl only a short time ago... I had missed her.

It was never fully as before though... we used to be able to tell each other anything and it was never that open again but we chatted for months and even the nickname she gave me returned on occasion - she was still shy and I think a little conscious about her appearance as she had put weight on due to the baby which I was shown in pics but I would not have cared. Obviously she had now split from her ex many years ago and for 50% of this time last year we chatted she was single. We had a minor argument that was a bit of an overreaction by her in truth last Xmas and well... again we didn't speak until now that is. I don’t blame myself for this... she was a bit of a bitch and well it was over nothing really. Anyway she isn't online much these days at all.... it is never best to chase her as I have learnt over the years... she will run away and it always seems best to her come to you.

I have no problem finding a girlfriend and I am a decent looking young man with prospects with plenty of girls that want to meet me and I have had girlfriends over the years including some long relationships (one 5 years just before I knew this girl) and well I don't usually have a problem with love – I have been dumped once in my life. This girl is different though... I have never met anyone that can make me feel that crazy just by looking at her.... I have never liked anyone so quickly or felt that I would do anything for them... no one has made me feel that way before and it would be easier if I knew she had never liked me or that she didn't carry a small candle for me as well. The truth is we are different... I think she believes that I am decent or different from the men she is used to and I guess she may have a point... I would never cheat and I have a good job and have just bought a house and try the best I can at everything where as she now lives in a council area.... but I just don't care.

We are different like cats and dogs and some of the things she has done in the past would show that she can and is quite bitchy. Her being jealous over a picture of me and my girlfriend of that particular time shows she still cares... as does other comments and we only spoke recently but she has slimmed down and just doesn't come on here much anymore while I have it on at work each day - this is my only way of contacting her. It almost seems like she just wants me there as of when she wants me... when she feels ready - It's hard to explain but that is just how it is and how it feels with her. She is very shy even now she has lost weight.... I would imagine that although she is now single it will not be for long.

So that is it... I can't go into more detail than that really... if you have read this far then well done but my head says this girl will bring nothing but pain and hurt in your life and that I need to just let go, accept and only ever be there for her as a friend if ever needed while my heart just wants her regardless of all the hurt and pain and crap from the past. From an outside perspective this might all seem a bit sad, she is always at the back of my mind but I haven't seen her in the flesh for years now It all seems so sad... timing wrong or not meant to be... she is shy and would run the other way if I chased and now she isn't even online to talk to again that often - I should give up but can't seem to get over it all and move on 100%.

I know that she knew I liked her the first time and that I still did when we started to speak again... I think she knows I truly care about her... so if she isn’t doing anything about it when knowing that then it is kind of settled although she has told me I won’t like her the same if I saw her now.

This may seem wishful thinking but it is almost like she doesn’t feel ready to be with me... like it might happen someday. I know she misses me when we do not talk, this has come out in the past. I also remember how jealous she can get and maybe she just doesn’t want to settle down.... maybe she holds me off because of that... she is single a lot for a pretty girl.

This problem also isn't very fair on any other girls I date... I am moving on in my life and progressing at work and getting stuff done - I don't know what else I can do to forget her and wonder if anyone has any advice that can get rid of her from the back of my mind, I feel in my gut that it will never happen now and I just want the thought of her gone. I will try anything - it is sad to think about someone that I just shared some good internet conversation with have seen maybe 3 - 4 times in my whole life, this is not normal. I am hoping to date some more soon and hope that someone can make me feel this way or like this to an extent that she will become forgotten for good, I guess I can remain hopeful.

Thanks anyone with some good advice on how to banish the thoughts of this true love gone wrong.

[damn2008]

I'm confused whether you're currently single or have a girlfriend as you talk to this lady?

I think you need to break the wall down and just come clean with everything and how you're feelings are for her (but don't admit love or anything like that!!!). And that moment if you two decide to date you better be ready for what she has in her life (the baby...which also includes the 'ex' in her life cause he's the father). You can always take it slow.

At the same token, if you do not decide to continue...then you're wasting a "false friendship" on her. You like her and if she just likes you for the attention, you need to move past that and just let her go as a friend because you're not going to get much more. Breaking total contact is the best method following this.

[NewToLove]

Dear Mr. Confused Man,

Sorry if my situation and explanation is totally irrelevant but I come to see that my situation is probably parallel to yours but not as serious.

I have a girl like yours in my life since 3 years ago and she still is

She tells me she loves and me all and I feel like she would be the one for me although she's bitchy and a flirt with other guys.

I truly felt comfortable with her cause we are also "cats and dogs" on many topics but there was certainly connection or "chemistry" there.

We were casual friends for 3 years before although i did confess my love for her the 1st year and we had something last September until December.

After learning that she does not want to be with me because of her parents, I quickly told myself to break away from her because of her parents she is not willing to give me a chance? I refuse to fall for someone like that.

And so I did... and I rebounded and found a new girl, the new girlfriend was okay, but nothing compared to her.

She wanted to stay friends and I've been her best guy friend ever since and even her entire family knows that I once wanted to get at her.

She is a flirt, what can i say? she falls for any cute guy that wants to get with her.

I can honestly I'm not the best looking guy, but I know I am honest, sweet, dedicated, and a dork

Look at here, I've been trying to get over her as well, but when she's sad or depressed, she runs to me and expects me to comfort her like a boyfriend would.. without the sex. It's frustrating because she always gives me the little hope that I can still make it with her but in reality I CAN'T

My mother asked me if I was her spare tire, basically a back up... or a fall back... and I said "no, i don't care about her all that much" and that was a lie. I still love her, but thing is I've also fell for another, but this girl seems hard to get at... I think she knows I like her and she's avoiding me.

Sorry I went on lots of tangents, but the point is DON'T BE HER BACK UP, NO ONE DESERVES TO BE A BACK UP, TOSS HER ASIDE, BE STRAIGHTFORWARD ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS AND TELL HER TO **** OFF YOUR NUTS BECAUSE THERE ARE BETTER GIRLS THAT DESERVE YOUR ATTENTION.

[Confused__Man]

In truth, both damn 2008 and NewToLove are right - I am too good for her in a way and I think she knows that and deep down that plays on her mind. We are both getting older now and well.... there might be a chance but I think the nail was hit on the head when damn2008 mentioned that she liked me for the attention. In those years we were not speaking she missed that and me a little I guess and when she saw me out and about with another girl - this is what made her actually show and release emotion for the first time I have ever seen. I think it is safe to say that it won't happen now, there is an attraction thing there between us and I even think she cares a little given the history and from things when like I helped her track down her real dad... I just think she is like this with every guy and that is why she has never had a serious relationship. She is a 'lionness' as they say - only after the chase and then she will lose interest. She is an odd girl, she doesn't reveal much at all... bottles things up etc. I know how she works and well.... this might take a long time to work but the best thing is to just be her friend and move on with my life. When she sees me dating other girls again and moving on and not making effort to go out my way and chat with her then she will come to me at which point I must play it ultra cool with her. Even though she is just 15 mins down the road my only point of contact is windows messenger.... sad but true at this particular point in time... and this will only work if stuff in her life isn't going brill - you never know she might meet someone that changes this 'lionness' way that she is??? I have a couple of other dates lined up so will be moving on in my life and when this happens.... well I know what to do unlike last time. It is so strange for it to be this way - I like her and I know she finds me attractive and knows i am a decent guy - why does everything have to be over complicated!

Anyway if anyone has any tips or knows of a girl who was like this and then changed when she was ready to settle and got with the fella that waited then it would be nice and interesting to know that it can happen when people grow up and that everything is not a complete lost cause. She is mid 20's now and I have hit the 30 mark - I think that it may happen one day still - I never give up hoping as all of us should never give in for what we want. She can't surely be single her whole life... although seein how the script is written and how my luck is - it will probably be some new bloke that just walks in at the right time and not myself!

I won't be too downhearted - I am a decent and ok looking bloke with plenty of other girls interested.. here is hoping that one of them makes me feel a way that means I no longer care about this most likely lost cause.



Confused__Man