Another break up story and a question

[Stefallus]

Here's my story:
This might be a long one...

THE BEGINNING:

It all started nearly three years ago. I've met a girl during my summer vacation and we've hit it right off. I never thought of that relationship as a potential long term one, so I dismissed it as such. When our her 10 days visit to the seaside was over I went back to my life. What I hadn't realized was that she fell head over heels! She started sending me texts saying how much I've missed her, even the ones saying that she actualy loves me!
The reality was that back home we were 40 km apart during the weekends and 90 km during working days. Even if we were in the same town I really didn't concider her my type.
I don't know why but I never broke it off. Maybe it was because I didn't want to hurt her feelings but we "stayed together" for nearly six months. During that time I was avoiding every chance for seing her by telling her lies. We've seen each other 3 times during those 6 months.
I can't remember how and why but we finaly broke it off and I thought that was it...

Then another summer came... This time she was there before I was and was really happy to see me. And this time something snapped! I've realized that I really really like this person and like spending time with her. So we got back together. And this time I was determined to make it work!

We started seeing each other 2-3 times a week. When ever we had a chance... And we were truly in love with each other.
Then the problems started. We started fighting. And 90% of the time it was about us not being able to spend more time together. I broke it off a couple of times, then she would and every time we would end up back together within a week.

Then our third summer together came. Just the two of us spent wonderful 10 days by the seaside. Then my whole world started falling apart. While we were on our way back from our summer holiday I was told that my grandfather had passed away. This was devastating news for me since this was my first family death experience. I started changing. I was always nervous, I became a control freak... I always had to know where she was and whom she was with. I became very needy and was smuthering her. One night I got really drunk and had a huge argument with her in front a bunch of our (mostly her) friends. She cried in front of everyone. Couple of days later she decided it was enough and that we should break up. So we did.

We were broken up for nearly three months during which time we were in contact almost every day. There would be days when we woul say how much we missed and loved each other, then there would be the ones when we would hate each other and so on. Then one day I said to myself that it is enough and that I want... No, I need to be with her! So I decided to try one last time to make up with her. I talked her into coming to see me so we could talk and the rest was history.

We were so happy we got back together, but as many times before, we started fighting again. Always for the same reason!
The same reason that led to our last fight about a month ago...


THE START OF THE END:

Prior to the fight we havent seen each other for nearly three weeks. I was angry because there was a chance for us to spend a whole day together and she canceled at the last moment because she was tired from studying and rehearsals and she had a headache. After a lot of arguing we agreed that she would come (on the day of the fight). And then, after all that, she canceled again. Just hours before she was supposed to come. I was furious!

I told her that it would be over if she doesn't come. She said that I just don't understand her and that she would really like to see me but that she couldn't because of one of her headaches. Then she asked me why don't I come and see her. I thought why should I after all of that, so I said I don't want to. Then she said that in that case it probably was the best thing just to end it.

I was mad... Furious! So I picked up the phone and called her and did a big DON'T!! I told her that she would be the one to call me a couple of days later to ask me to get back together, that she would cry as soon as I hang up etc. Basicly, I told her everything she would do, what she did so many times. And to top it off, I told her I hated her. That was my big mistake. I don't know when to shut my mouth! That's exactly why she didn't do that. Because she knew I expected that from her.

A couple of hours later I felt bad. Really, really bad! So I decided to drive there and say I'm sorry for everything I said. Which I did. Only this time she told me how she didn't love me like she used to and all that goes with that... I was determined to go back home with a simple YES or NO to the question whether we shoud stay together or not. I wanted her to be the one to decide. And all I got from her was I DON'T KNOW. Every time. So I went home without an answer.

The next day I got the message saying that she tought about it a lot and that she wants us to break up. Mostly because she can't go on like this and because she doesn't love me the way she used to. I said OK and told her to contact me if she realizes she had made a mistake.


POST BREAK-UP:

At first it really was OK. I wasn't thinking about her a lot. I started preparing for my exams and I had my eye on a girl from my faculty. Then my b-day came. 10 days after the break up. And all I got from my ex was "Happy birthday. All the best... ". I was stunned! I just couldn't believe it... I replied with one word: thanks. And that was the last of our contact.

So I decided to go for the girl from my group. She was really into me but now that I wasn't a forbidden fruit she wasn't in a hurry to be with me.
Thats why I decided to make up a girlfriend. I asked a friend to accept a relationship status on facebook, which she did. So the whole world would think that I was in a relationship. Even my ex, which was the second mayor reason for doing that.

A week passed by and everything was going well. I wasn't thinking about my ex as much (at least I thought so), and I was flirting with the girl from my group (which I didn't find that fullfiling).

Then 5 days ago I saw a picture of my ex with another guy in a common friends photo album. I was out of my mind. I had to know who he was and when did that happen. I couldn't sleep that night! I just had to send her a message. I wrote something like: "WOW, girl. That was quick... Way the go! But I've got to say it was a little unexpected. " She replied that it was none of my business...

So I decided to go on a party which I knew my ex would be attending. Me and a couple of my friends went there. I saw her and decided to play it cool. I said "Hi" and asked her how she was. We exchanged a couple of sentences. She was really nervous...
After an hour or so, I approached her and asked her if she really had a boyfriend or not. She said she did which I didn't believe at first but found out to be true later. I told her not to worry. That I just wanted to know if he was good for her and wished her luck in the new relationship. That was it for the night...

The next day I spent some time tracking her new boyfriend down online. When I found him I was shocked! He was a skater, which I never thought was her type. He was a total opposite of me.
What shocked me also was that she opened a facebook profile that same day! She was always saying how she would never ever do that and that she thinks computers and facebook in particulary is rubbish!


THE BIG QUESTION:

I really do know I love her still. I think she loves me to. The reason why this hurts so bad is that we were so close to our "goal".
After 20 months together we had to wait about 3 months more for her to come to my university so we could be able to spend more time together.

I do belive she is in a rebound relationship. I know I have to let it take it course and I do thing it's not long lasting.

We are in NO CONTACT phase now. At least we were until 5 days ago...


My question is:
Does anyone have anyl advice for me? I really want her back!


ADDITIONAL INFO:

- she uploaded a picture of me and her on her newly created profile (I know it one of 250, but still...)
no pics of her new boyfriend (yet)

- she went on a week long excursion today and won't be in the country (nor with her new boyfriend)

- since we broke up there aren't many social events we can run into each other (maybe one every couple of months)

- she is coming to my university in september and we will be in the same building almost every day


P.S. Please excuse me for my bad English and any misspelling or grammar mistakes!

[cmacattack1]

I would just like to point out that maybe you divided the sections of the story up all wrong. The beginning of the end was long before that titled section. The many times you broke up and got back together took it's toll each time, and the more it happened, the more detached she (if not you also) have become. The more times it happened the more emotional draining it has been for the both of you until like she said, that maybe there just isn't anything left and she doesn't feel the way she did anymore. She may have feelings for you still, but they are just feelings of attachment and maybe not love. There is a big difference.

Why is it that you now want to look for help and solutions? Now that she is with somebody else? It's actually very common and something I have gone through as well, you don't realize what you got until it's gone. You should really think about your reasons for wanting her back. Is it purely in your self interest? If she's happy with somebody else, why not just let her be? While yes he is by definition a rebound relationship, the possibility of them developing into something more is a distinct possibility. It either works out or it doesn't but I'm telling you right now there isn't anything you can really do to change how she feels. Anything you try to do right now will just make it worse for you, trust me.

You have certainly identified the problems and a big one was your space and time apart. What has and can be done to solve this problem? Not much really and you haven't even tried to work with her on this towards a solution. Yes, you did see her a couple times a week and made the leg work, but you guys also had a very uncertain future. When you are doing long distance relationships, it's important to have a plan established as to when the distance will end. If you don't have that, all you are doing is working towards uncertainty. So life throws you curveballs and not everything will work out exactly how you want it and the timeline for when you will be back together is tentative. But if you have some plan, you are building towards something instead of moving away in your own direction.

You have also admitted to being controlling and possessive too. You blame it on your inability to handle a family death but you have to take responsibility for what you do. How you handle things and the fights you can into and the things you say all ride on your ability to cope and handle things. I don't think you proved yourself very reliable with all the fighting, saying angry things you don't mean, making her cry and embaressing her in front of her friends. You were digging your own grave then.

I'm sure you have many more problems to address and I'm not saying she hasn't played a role in this as well. What you should be doing is focusing on you moreso than ways to win her back. Because there is no way to win her back. It either works out or it doesn't, and all you can do is increase your chances of it working out. You can't change how she acts, feels or does. Only she can do that. What you are in total control of is what you do. How you can change. Implement that and really work on yourself. Come up with some solutions to how you were acting in the past. If you are really in love with this girl and as heartbroken as you claim, you are going to really want to make a turn for the better. Not so much what she wants, what you saw yourself doing that made you disgusted at yourself. It sounds stupid but it's definitely possible and if her and the new skater guy do not work out, and you have given her enough space to really forget about the past, guess who is going to look in a better light? You buddy. That's right.

If it ends up working out for the long haul with the other guy, you still end up winning. You are going to be a more mature, more stable, and much better person for your next relationship. Win win win.

[Stefallus]

Thank you for such a comperhensive answer...

I do know that the beginning of the end started a long time ago. But I do also know that in between we had more than great moments.

We did have a plan for ending that distance. As I said we were suposed to be together starting this September. Actually she was the one that had all the great plans for what we will do when we finally get closer to each other.

I do know how this relationship was emotionaly draining. I was a part of it... We both had doubts in one time or an other. But it would all become clear after some time spent appart.

I know that it could be possible it was only a feeling of attachment, but there are certain things you know when you look into your loved one eyes. Every night spent together would just comfirm that. And I'm deffinitly not talking about sex. I'm talking about the two of us being able to talk all night and never want the night to end.

Like she said so many times: "Certain things can only be said while in embrace of a loved one"

That's why I think she rushed things and got back to sadle way to soon. Because I know her... She was the one that was telling everyone that you shouldn't jump from one relationship to an other. She always said that if/when we broke up she would rather be alone then to rush in another relationship.
I do believe that she wanted an easy way out. She probably didn't want to think about what went wrong and why, but rather have someone else occupy her in hope she would forget sooner.

And I did start working on myself. I've hit the jim, started jogging, got in touch with some of my old friends. But she is there almost every minute that I am alone...
I do want her to be happy. Really... But I would rather her to be happy with me than with someone else. Which I know is possible...

I would like to think that I know she will come back, but I don't and that's what life is about. Never knowing what's around the corner. Maybe tomorrow I'll run into my future wife or my next log term love. But until that happens I know she will be the only one I want.

That's why I think I should really give her and myself space and time to get our heads and hearts together. That's why I'm asking if the NC rule the best way to do that?
Or do I have an alternative? Which I do not see at the moment...