What taking a break means

[cosinco]

Ok, this is an update to a thread I started awhile back, which I inadvertently deleted.

Ok, long story as short as possible. I met a girl, we hit off well and started dating. She was dating other guys at the time and was very open about it. She thought that by telling all the people she’s dating about everyone else, it wouldn’t feel like dishonesty or secrecy. I kind of respect that, but she provided way much too much detail about how far along she was along with everyone (no sex, just fooling around). They (2 other guys) knew about me and I knew about them. In retrospect, I realize that this was her way to maintain control of things, albeit at the expense of disrespecting us. We’re both in our early 30's so we're not kids.

So within a month of dating her I win out. I needed the other guys out of the picture, stepped my game up got exclusive rights. To me, that was meant to be a small step – i.e., let’s continue dating but only date each other. She interpreted it as a big step and the start of a boyfriend / girlfriend relationship, which was a step I really wasn’t ready for.

So literally day 1 into the relationship, one of her long term ex’s contacted her out of the blue for the first time in many years. Of course she tells me details, that her ex suddenly wants her back after he went through a breakup, but she has no attraction and just looked at it as an opportunity to see an old friend. Sorry, but this freaked me and made me question everything and fears of getting hurt / self preservation suddenly arose – what did I just get myself into? This all came out in a very paranoid schizo-type message (my tact was WAY off and my thoughts not clear at the time) – basically I needed major reassurances of her feelings for me, but it came out a little accusative and unattractively insecure. She came over later and called me crazy for about an hour, accused me of being possessive and was scared. In the end, I did get the confirmation of trust in her I needed, but at the expense of her own trust and confidence in me.

So, a few days later we had a talk. She said there was too much pressure all of the sudden and felt we jumped the gun a bit, which I agreed. We both acknowledged that there is obviously a lot of positive, good feelings between us with huge long term potential, but we both made some major early mistakes including just moving too fast. It was actually a very mature conversation. She made it very clear that she still wants to see me, but wants to take a step back and take a break. She wants to go back to how it was before and takes things slow, fun and at a normal pace. I agreed - it's kind of what I wanted anyways.

Here is what she told me to do during the time:
-Sleep with other girls. She feels that I still have some hang-ups to get over with my ex (I was in an 8-year relationship that ended about 1.5 years ago). She thinks I need some short term flings to get my confidence up. I’ve dated, but not slept with anyone since my ex (Give me a break I was raised traditionally). She didn’t want to be a “stepping stone” relationship.
-Take all the time I need. Call her when I think I’m ready. A month was suggested.
-She really doesn’t want to date anyone else and that this is more for me. She says I’m the exact person she wants to be with, but the timing was off. She was willing to wait.

So here I am, about a week since our split and no contact aside from a quick back and forth text over something unrelated. Here are my thoughts:

-I set up a date this weekend with another girl. A type of girl that is only looking for casual fun. I'm not sure I want to go through with it, but maybe it really is what I need?
-Typically, when a girl says to a guy to see other people, she’s really saying she wants to do the same regardless of what she tells me. Is there anything wrong with that?
-I do feel much more normal after just a week alone to get my thoughts in order and probably need another week or two before I’m ready to start with her again. Should I wait longer? Will the length of time affect the message I send her? I refuse to act clingy or needy, but also don’t want to wait too long. A part of me says I shouldn’t make contact at all and if she really wants me she’ll contact me in time, but I really don’t like playing games like that.
-Seriously, we knew each other only a month. This got too insane too quickly so taking a step back makes sense, but are there underlying issues I’m not seeing?

In the end, I’m actually generally quite secure with myself, but the intimate knowledge I was receiving of other guys in her life revealed knocked me off balance a bit – a big no-no when establishing boundaries in a relationship. I really do have strong feelings for this person that go way beneath the superficial BS – there really is a magnetic attraction / connection. We both have recognized it, but we are at a dangerous point right now. It might be already too late.

Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks for reading!

[IncognitoSir]

Well, first off, if a chick is REALLY into you, she's not going to send you out to bang other chicks like this. Obviously there is a great chance that you'll find someone else and fall in love and she'll lose you forever. Honestly I believe she's got alternative motives her. I dunno if she want to meet other people or hang out with her ex but something is really off her. You mentioned you kinda blew up on her in the wrong way early on. The reason that happened was because you felt threatned after you literally had to "win" her over from 2 other guys. After competing for her all of a sudden there was another player thrown in the mix. I say continue dating around, you'll probably meet someone else anyways. I just cant see her encouraging you to date around and even have some flings while she basically waits on you???? That sounds waaaaaay too damn good to be true.

[girl68]

I honestly think she's an attention whore. She needs and wants all sorts of men, and as many as possible to desire her. You are a great guy but I don't think you suit her with that sort of need for attention. You seem like a full on one woman, man- she on the contrary is not a one man type of woman. There's nothing wrong with you- to me, the problem is all her.

Correct me if I'm wrong she doesn't really have many relationship to speak of- only long term flings and dates.

So yeah, I agree that if she really liked you and wanted to be with you and only you there would be no break. So me thinks that the style of relationship you want isn't what you're going to get from her.

[cosinco]

I honestly think she's an attention whore.

This is unfortunately what I’ve been starting to admit to myself. I think she feels more comfortable in a casual dating lifestyle right now – it allows her to maintain control of everything and keep everyone at arm’s length distance. Obviously, she saw something in me that encouraged her to come out of that comfort zone, but reacted a bit too severely and prematurely over my one need of reassurance to be really that caring or conscious of my feelings. It’s all about her.

She’s been in several relationship over the years, most of which lasted 1-2 years, and 10 years of which she was a lesbian (she had mommy issues). Aside from high school / college flings I’ve been in one major relationship that lasted 8 years. That is a major difference between us. She says that her higher number of relationships givers her more life experience than I do (which I simply find patronizing) – which is why she thinks I need to get with more girls before settling down with her.

Discussing with friends, all the advice I’ve gotten thus far were filled with red flags and warnings. I really shouldn’t torture myself and move on. But...well I do see so much potential, but am probably just being stubborn.

[girl68]

I don't see any potential given what I know from your 2 posts about this girl. Just because you get on good and that sort- doesn't mean she wants to be all yours, only yours forever. You alone will not be able to fulfill all her needs, which is why she's letting you go. I really don't think she has any intention of waiting (ie not dating anyone else).

I like all your friends see nothing but red flags and warning signs. I don't think this girl is for you.

[Raze]

The simple answer is she just wants to be friends with you.. nothing more.

[kitkitkitty]

its nice that you seem to like the space over the week. leave it for the month you suggested...things may have changed even more, for the better or for the worst. she does seem attention seeking and from experience you need things like that hammered into your head by your mates and they want what's best for you. all this has happened for around a month or so right? i personally don't think that you should think of things as 'long-term potential' but thats just me. take every day as it come when it comes to feelings. you may realise that youre drifting away from her without meaning to, reinforcing the fact that you're not compatible. and itd be even hard for you if you start falling for her like, big time.

[kitkitkitty]

wow my spelling was poor. sorry guys.

[cosinco]

Yeah...well I kind of came out of fantasy land and into reality where she ain't the right one for me. I'd be a complete pussy to try and keep this going.

Ties have been cut...shame too she was definately a cutie.

Thanks for the advice everyone!

[girl68]

Good luck on the next one!