is my ex stringing me along?

[christina81]

hi, i need a guy's opinion on this... i'm afraid this is going to be a long story...

my ex boyfriend and i were together for a year and a half. we have good chemistry and a lot of things in common, but our relationship was rocky because i was unable to trust him completely. back then, i tried to initiate a break up a number of times, because he has a roving eye and had confessed to me once that he prefers tall and slim girls, whereas i am short and on the plump side. subsequently, he tried to persuade me to exercise more often to improve my figure. he also lied to me about certain things in his past like his dating history.

we continued to hang on to the relationship, nevertheless, but things finally came to a head when my brother fell seriously ill. we quarrelled quite violently. he has a stressful job and did not want to spend time by my side whereas it was a time when i needed him to be with me. i thought that he was being uncaring and kind of a jerk for not wanting to be with me at a difficult time and told him so. finally, he dumped me.

that was three years ago. a year later, we tried to work things out again. he called and i accepted him because i always felt that the bad end to our relationship wasn't entirely his fault. i had been very demanding on him when we were together before and i felt bad about it. however, the second time round, i felt that his heart wasn't in it and he wasn't making much effort. he wanted me to compromise on a lot of things, such as meeting him only once a week while he spent the rest of his time with another female platonic friend.

we quarrelled a lot again, and broke up for the second time. i took a long time to get over him. i've tried dating other guys, but nothing came out of it as i did not feel confident enough to go into another relationship.

it's been two years since then. we did not speak to each other throughout this time time and i thought that what we had was gone for good. however, a few months ago this year, he suddenly called me and said that he wanted to be together with me again. in the past months, he has done a lot of things that made me feel that he had perhaps matured and changed during this two years. he cares more about my feelings now, listens to me, and says that he is planning for the future. he also says that he hopes we can grow old together.

i was touched and because i still have feelings for him, i agreed to go out with him again. i guess i was a little presumptious because i had the impression that he must've spent the last two years getting over me as i did getting over him. little did i know that he was in fact in another relationship with another girl, and that it ended not long before he called me. i did not learn of this from him. i just happened to see photos of him holding hands with another girl in one of our mutual friends photo albums on facebook.

i asked him about it and assured him he could be honest and that it wouldn't affect our current relationship. i asked him the basic things like, how long were they together and whether he's moved on completely. he appeared to be quite honest about it, but one of his replies made me feel a little concerned. he said their relationship lasted nine months and that she "shattered" his confidence. then, he told me that i was being annoying for dredging up a past relationship that he's trying to forget. he also assured me that although they broke up amicably, he hasn't called her since, and he doesn't want to jeopardize what we have.

although he has given me a lot of reassurances, and i would really like to believe him, something in his defensiveness tells me to be more careful. after all, if he has really gotten over the girl, and if he respects me as his current girlfriend, he wouldn't have such a big problem talking about it right? besides, i did not ask him to share any awkward details. i just wanted to know that he has moved on and that i am not the rebound girl. however, he was quite adamant that he is uncomfortable discussing previous relationships and says that he doesn't want it to be brought up again. he was annoyed because he felt that by bringing up these things, i am causing friction in our relationship.

that wasn't my intention. i do want things to work with him and i thought that this time round, we should communicate more openly, have fewer secrets between us, so that we can have a better relationship with more trust in each other. i have learned to ignore certain behaviours that i don't like. for instance, he still has a roving eye, and ever since i agreed to get back together with him again, he's started meeting me less, only once or twice a week due to his hectic worklife. but i am trying to be understanding about it.

yet to my mind, his lack of openness continues to be a red flag. is it really so hard for a guy to tell his girlfriend briefly about his previous relationships? does he really want to be with me again, or is he stringing me along? i thought that he has changed this time, but i am wondering if he has taken to treating me like a fallback and comfort zone, and that he's really not that into me, but is just using me and still wants to keep his options open. i like him very much, but i have to admit that it's still hard for me to trust him completely. am i being an insecure worrywart or is there something that i'm missing?

thanks very much for getting through this long post.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Sounds like he just wants a f*ck buddy, and he knows you're ready at attention as soon as you hear his name. He knows he doesn't have to try with you, so you're a great placeholder.

[christina81]

we're not really having sex though we have been behaving intimately. he refuses to let me go. i am still feeling confused and in pain. on the one hand, i am afraid of being hurt again or being in a relationship where i have to keep giving and being taken for granted. on the other hand, when he actually walks away from me, i feel miserable. he keeps telling me that he has changed and is ready to be fully committed. in many ways he has, but there are still some things that bother me, such as his laissez faire attitude about dates, his lack of interest in what i do, his raising his voice at me for the slightest things.

[donjohnson]

Try dating other people, seems like you're having trouble moving on. There are so many great guys out there, explore your options... you seem like a nice girl/woman I'm sure you have plenty of options.
Beware, when he hears your dating he may come running and be "on his best behavior", this new found dedication may be short lived.

[Agape]

"our relationship was rocky because i was unable to trust him completely."
"i tried to initiate a break up a number of times"
"i thought that he was being uncaring and kind of a jerk for not wanting to be with me at a difficult time and told him so. finally, he dumped me. "
"however, the second time round, i felt that his heart wasn't in it and he wasn't making much effort."
"i have learned to ignore certain behaviours that i don't like. for instance, he still has a roving eye, and ever since i agreed to get back together with him again, he's started meeting me less, only once or twice a week due to his hectic worklife. but i am trying to be understanding about it. "

--> He's stringing you along . . . just because he can't let go doesn't mean you can't let go.