How do you distance yourself from a co-worker?

[kake224]

I know I need to get this guy out of my mind right now, but I keep giving in to my impulsions. He's one of the few things that brings me joy right now. And I've never been in a position like this where I can't be with the man I want. I love my job and I can't quit. But everytime I try to stop thinking about him. I see him again and get sucked back in. It's like I have no control. I say and do things that I know I shouldn't.
For work we usually have to talk at least once a day. And I usually see him once a week. So it's not constant contact fortunately. But it's so hard to move on when you have to have contact with that person so frequently. I've also never been in a position where I couldn't just end all communication with someone I was trying to get over so any suggestions would be appreciated.

[BreakingPoint]

Why can't you be with this guy, can I ask? Are either of you in a relationship?

[kake224]

You can look at my previous thread that explains the entire situation. On the love advice forum called "fell in love with another." So i plan to take the advice that I got from that post. But basically we're both married. I decided I'm going to leave my husband but I can only deal one one broken heart at a time. So first I'm thinking about telling him how I feel and asking him to back off also?? Hopefully if I can distance myself from him now to try to get over him then after the holidays I'm going to leave my husband and focus on myself and my daughter. Sounds like a good plan right, but I've tried to back off from this guy b4 and just keep getting sucked back in. I have to do something different, should I tell him how I feel? I'm sure he knows it's been one of those unspoken things between us for a while. Then I have to worry about what to tell my daughter about why daddy has to go away UGGGH. I'm really dreading that!

[BreakingPoint]

I know exactly how you feel. Luckily for me, I don't have kids, nor am I married, but I've fallen for a girl at work, and am in a 4 year relationship.

If you have already decided you are leaving your husband, and this guy makes you happy, then I would personally think you should sit down and explain the situation to him. Let him know you have feelings for him, but let him know that you need space once you separate from your husband, and (assuming he has marital difficulties) - that he should resolve any issues with his wife before you two enter in to a relationship. I completely understand how you get sucked in. I fight hard with myself every day to not get close to the girl at work, but it's just so hard. I'm sorry if I've not been of use to you, I'm sure there will be others to help.

With regards to your question here though, if you only need to see him once a week, and talk to him only once a day (I know you said "at least" - but just for arguments sake) - is there no way you can keep these meetings strictly professional, like you would have done before you started having feelings towards him?

[kake224]

yea, I've tried that but then he comes in to my office and starts chating away and being cute. He has an accent and it makes me melt everytime I hear him talk... and those eyes.. uggh. See there I go again. That's why I think I need to tell him to stay away too. He doesn't have to come talk to me when he comes in. It's mostly by choice, i think we find reasons to talk to each other. You know? It's so hard, i hate this! And yes I saw your post also and completely relate.

[jancsi]

Yeah, its a taff one for you. But from what I can see, this is ment to be something more, and you already know that. That's why you can't think of anything else. I am sure, that you can find a way, how to work this out, or just even try!

[jancsi]

Crossed fingers for you

[kake224]

Well, I did it I told him I needed some distance. He immediately knew why, lol and started mummbling something about maybe some day we can be just platonic friends. HA... How insensitive right? I think he saw how hurt I was and started saying he wishes things had been different for us too. But they just aren't. And then he said he'll never leave his wife and I should do the same. Gawd, how did I let myself get to this point. I feel so stupid! I was so sad I couldn't even look at him because I knew I would cry if I did. No matter how much we know something won't work out we strive for it anyway, knowing damn well how much it will hurt later! Sorry now I'm just mad at myself. The good news is he told me exactly what I needed to hear. Not what I wanted but I figured I wasn't going to be that lucky. Maybe now I can move on. Oh you know what else he told me, you're just lonely that's why this happened. UGGGH! Knife in the heart! I feel like I have nothing to look forward to anymore. I used to look forward to just being near him. Like that would help get me thru the day if I knew I was going to see him soon.

[BreakingPoint]

Sorry it worked out for you that way. But in a sense, as you mentioned, this is better. You can now focus on your marriage (weather that is ending it, or fixing it) - and focus on your daughter, without this guy in your mind, of what "might" be. Hopefully you find your happiness.

[kake224]

thanks