Need breakup advice, guys.

[ftm]

Hi guys,

Some of you may remember me. I popped up for a few months last year discussing issues I was having qwith my girlfriend at the time. I won’t go into all of the gory details, since they are laid out in some very long and detailed threads that can be found easily through searching.

Basically, all of you gave advice, and I reached a point where I realized I had exhausted the resources here, and promised myself I wouldn’t come here with my relationship problems anymore, since you’d given all you could. It was just like running around in circles.

Well, a lot of you recommended I end my relationship. Although I said I was going to give it to the end of the summer, I’m still in it. Big surprise. We ended counseling back in October, because we felt like it wasn’t being helpful anymore (it wasn’t). Things seemed to get better for a while around that time, and I was hopeful that we'd turned a corner, but now we have sunk back in to the status quo. Just like every other time, as soon as she sensed we were in a better place, she went back to the same behavior that I have begged her to stop. My girlfriend is never going to change. At least, not with me.

The turning point for me came recently. There have been some new developments in my life that have led to be being incredibly happy in my work life, my educational life, and my creative life. Being surrounded with all of this happiness made it rather easy for me to see where I was unhappy: my relationship. I didn’t realize how unhappy I was, because when you are unhappy in a bunch of areas, it just seems normal. Suddenly I found myself looking forward to every aspect of my day except for time spent with her. Moreover, she seems to look to me as the source of her happiness, a role I am not comfortable filling, mainly because it casts me int he role of the fulfiller, and she never seems to have any energy to fulfill me.

I have been working a lot. I got promoted recently, and it takes me away from home. When I leave her, she will charge that it’s not fair, because our relationship is at a low point due to how busy we are and how little time we have for eachother. But the truth of the matter is that I spend more time working than I need to, because it makes me happier than I am with her. It’s become a way to avoid what is a very friendly, but sexless and unfulfilling relationship. I don’t feel like she relates to me like an actual person anymore. I’ve been infuriated for too long.

I am not good at breaking up with people. I haven’t much experience with it. I’ve done it twice. The last time was particularly ugly. I don’t know how to do it right. I am dealing with someone who will be absolutely shattered by this, and I don’t want her to hurt more than is necessary. Moreover, we have dozens of mutual friends, many of whom we’ve made over the course of being together, which is a circumstance I’ve never had to deal with before.

How do I do this?

[ZachN]

If you think breakup is the only right solution for you, go for it, but just
don't break her hurt.

I guess no one here can know her better than you do, so only you can
figure out a right way to breakup with her. Don't break up in anger, sit
down and try to talk it out calmly...

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Being surrounded with all of this happiness made it rather easy for me to see where I was unhappy: my relationship. I didn’t realize how unhappy I was, because when you are unhappy in a bunch of areas, it just seems normal. Suddenly I found myself looking forward to every aspect of my day except for time spent with her...the truth of the matter is that I spend more time working than I need to, because it makes me happier than I am with her.

Say this to her, and tell her that you're not right for each other and it's best if you two just end all contact. Honesty is best, don't worry about her feelings..that's for her to deal with, not you. If you don't want this to be a long, dragged out process then you need to be fully honest and tell her everything you've said here and then do not respond to any subsequent contact from her. She's a big girl, she'll get over it.

[sweetkissesforu]

Say this to her, and tell her that you're not right for each other and it's best if you two just end all contact. Honesty is best, don't worry about her feelings..that's for her to deal with, not you. If you don't want this to be a long, dragged out process then you need to be fully honest and tell her everything you've said here and then do not respond to any subsequent contact from her. She's a big girl, she'll get over it.

I agree tell her what you have wrote in this quote

[Incognito]

Hey ftm. If I recall correctly you live with her no? You have to ready to go before the breakup so that you aren't around for the ugly aftermath. Either have friends who are willing to help you move or have professional movers hired and ready to go. As far the actual breakup is concerned there is never really a surefire way to peacefully break up unless both of you feel the same way and are open about it. What you are doing is dumping her, so make sure that either you tell her that it is over once and for all and promptly (the same day or the next morning) have your stuff gone from her apartment -or- make sure that either a close friend is there (or the police) if you suspect she'll try to kill herself or will even threaten to kill herself. After that you had better not look back or I'll personally find you and make you eat the threads in which you outlined your misery, lol.

[SelflessnHumble]

First thing to do: grab a paper, draw a line right through the middle...
Next: write your wants and needs on one side: write hers on the other: and match up the complete opposites in the same horizontal line.
Write down how she makes you feel when she invalidates your concerns, and how you do hers...

All of your reasons as to why you are unhappy in this relationship are your right: and they should be voiced.
Since you have decided to quit the relationship: you've made the mental choice to do it: now you must say it...

Sit her down, and talk to her first. Ask how she is doing, what is or has been on her mind...and listen.
When she asks you (or not) then tell her how you feel:

"At this point in our lives, we have little time to give this relationship the time and attention it needs in order to last..."
"I've decided that I need to concentrate on my career, and focus more on myself and unfortunately the fact I feel our relationship has left me feeling unfulfilled
and the fact we don't even have sex anymore has shown me that this relationship is not healthy for the both of us as I once thought it was."

"I truly care about you and I honestly just want you to be happy, and unfortunately I don't see you happy: and in turn *I* don't feel happy."
"I do not wish to continue this relationship with you moving forward, and I ask you to please respect my wishes concerning my decision because it is what *I* want."

If you do this with sincerity and humbly she won't get angry and she will eventually realize how respectful you were in this process.
Don't worry about the mutual friends you've made...You have the ability to separate friends, from her when you see them.

No one said it was easy: but it must be done and you know this: treat this break up like a project at work: and logically assess it.
She is going to hurt: it is expected! The ego is more wounded that her heart is: trust me on that one. No one likes to be dumped...

A relationship is 100% each person, not this 50 50 bullshit you hear about.
50 50 is for people who want the other person to carry their own weight when they get stagnant and complacent (as she has become)

[MerryH]

Whatever you say, don't let it turn into an argument. She's going to cry, and she's going to try to deny things or convince you that you can work it out. Lay out all your reasons, and then when she starts bargaining, don't defend your reasons. Just say, "I'm sorry, but I've made up my mind and nothing will change it." Repeat as necessary. Leave as soon as possible.

[ftm]

Say this to her, and tell her that you're not right for each other and it's best if you two just end all contact. Honesty is best, don't worry about her feelings..that's for her to deal with, not you. If you don't want this to be a long, dragged out process then you need to be fully honest and tell her everything you've said here and then do not respond to any subsequent contact from her. She's a big girl, she'll get over it.

Well, instituting no contact would be very difficult at first, given that we live together and will likely have to sort through our things even after I move out. PLus, we know a ton of people in common at this point.

Hey ftm. If I recall correctly you live with her no?

Yup.

You have to ready to go before the breakup so that you aren't around for the ugly aftermath. Either have friends who are willing to help you move or have professional movers hired and ready to go. As far the actual breakup is concerned there is never really a surefire way to peacefully break up unless both of you feel the same way and are open about it. What you are doing is dumping her, so make sure that either you tell her that it is over once and for all and promptly (the same day or the next morning) have your stuff gone from her apartment -or- make sure that either a close friend is there (or the police) if you suspect she'll try to kill herself or will even threaten to kill herself. After that you had better not look back or I'll personally find you and make you eat the threads in which you outlined your misery, lol.

I would prefer it to be a mutual thing, but I don't think that's going to be the case. I'll say I'm leaving, then she'll make a bunch of promises about how she's going to change.

It feels kind of underhanded to have a new place lined up before I tell her. Am I being unreasonable?

"At this point in our lives, we have little time to give this relationship the time and attention it needs in order to last..."
"I've decided that I need to concentrate on my career, and focus more on myself and unfortunately the fact I feel our relationship has left me feeling unfulfilled
and the fact we don't even have sex anymore has shown me that this relationship is not healthy for the both of us as I once thought it was." .

Well, I wouldn't mention my career, because that would be a lie. It's not that I want to focus on my career. I just want to be in a good relationship, and the only way ours has changed lately is that we aren't fighting anymore.

If you do this with sincerity and humbly she won't get angry and she will eventually realize how respectful you were in this process.
Don't worry about the mutual friends you've made...You have the ability to separate friends, from her when you see them.

No one said it was easy: but it must be done and you know this: treat this break up like a project at work: and logically assess it.
She is going to hurt: it is expected! The ego is more wounded that her heart is: trust me on that one. No one likes to be dumped...

Yeah, I do have to treat this like a project. I just wan to do it right, you know? I like your suggestions.

One of the reasons that I don't want it to be messier than it needs to be is that since we have so many mutual friends, I don't want to be cast in the role of "awful person." I would rather take the tack that it's not working for me anymore and I need to be on my own, rather than "You've done this, this, and this to me and I'm fed up."

Whatever you say, don't let it turn into an argument. She's going to cry, and she's going to try to deny things or convince you that you can work it out. Lay out all your reasons, and then when she starts bargaining, don't defend your reasons. Just say, "I'm sorry, but I've made up my mind and nothing will change it." Repeat as necessary. Leave as soon as possible.

Thanks.

[SelflessnHumble]

I would prefer it to be a mutual thing, but I don't think that's going to be the case. I'll say I'm leaving, then she'll make a bunch of promises about how she's going to change. It feels kind of underhanded to have a new place lined up before I tell her. Am I being unreasonable?

I don't see how having a place lined up would help: I see it making it worse.
It says you decided long ago to dump her. Everyone hates being dumped dude.
It more has to do with an ego getting bruised than her wanting to change. In her eyes:
she would be superficially addressing your concerns with little intention of changing them.

People react when it's either too late; or they feel up against a wall: "Crunch Time."

Well, I wouldn't mention my career, because that would be a lie. It's not that I want to focus on my career. I just want to be in a good relationship, and the only way ours has changed lately is that we aren't fighting anymore.

Yeah, I do have to treat this like a project. I just wan to do it right, you know? I like your suggestions.

One of the reasons that I don't want it to be messier than it needs to be is that since we have so many mutual friends, I don't want to be cast in the role of "awful person." I would rather take the tack that it's not working for me anymore and I need to be on my own, rather than "You've done this, this, and this to me and I'm fed up." Thanks.

You don't have to mention your career, the main point is that you aren't happy, see can feel that SHE isn't
happy too so you see no point in beating a dead horse any longer (don't say beat a dead horse)

What you need to realize is that you cannot control what happens to these mutual friends' demeanor towards you nor her.
They can turn on you: hence "mutual friends." Never point the finger, this was the point in my post to you concerning
what to say and how to say it. Whatever has happened up until that moment when you tell her how you feel:
The truth is: you want to be in a loving, committed, physically and emotionally satisfying relationship...The issue is:
you don't seem to be getting that and this is why you want to leave: which is perfectly fine to me. She won't like it
because it means that she must deal with the fact that she allowed this relationship to fail: which is NOT on you from what I can read here.

Every morning your woman should wake up and say, "What can I do to make him happy?"
I guarantee you she doesn't do this...My girl does and we aren't married. (I've also known her since 2006)
I do the same. She isn't pulling her weight and one day she may realize it, perhaps not now...

Don't be the nice guy who gets stepped on just because you cannot handle it IF she decides you are being unfair.

[ftm]

She won't like it
because it means that she must deal with the fact that she allowed this relationship to fail: which is NOT on you from what I can read here.

I'm certainly far from perfect. I've been too accommodating. Any time she's asked for something to change in our relationship, I've done my best to make it happen if it's been within reason. She's even told me that everything in our relationship is great on her end, although she's intimated that my need for sex seems to be the only thing holding us back. The problem lies not in the lack of sex (although that is an issue that has become the ultimatee dealbreaker for me), but in the fact that the sex issue between us has been a distraction from all of the other problems in our relationship; things which I haven;'t want to address because I feel like addressing too many things at once is overload, and close to whining. I try to back up everything I want to see improve with observations about what I love about our relationship, but she frequently sees me as only negative. Thus, I have never brought up her selfishness when it comes ot us spending our time together (For example, last night I was exhausted and went to go to bed, and she started to throw a fit because I hadn't spent enough time with her and therefore should stay up. It was midnight, and we had spent the last 6 hours straight together entertaining her family, before which I had cleaned up all the main rooms in the apartment while she was at work. This kind of thing happens all the time.)

Every morning your woman should wake up and say, "What can I do to make him happy?"
I guarantee you she doesn't do this...My girl does and we aren't married. (I've also known her since 2006)
I do the same. She isn't pulling her weight and one day she may realize it, perhaps not now...

Don't be the nice guy who gets stepped on just because you cannot handle it IF she decides you are being unfair.

To be honest, though, I don't think that about her every morning either. I used to. I did it every day un until very recently, when I finally accepted that she only wants to make me happy if doing so is convenient for her. Somewhere along the line, she found out that nothing I want is convenient for her, so I don't get any of it. Yet she still expects me to put her first.

I will be able to handle it if she thinks I am being unfair. Fair has nothing to do with this. I am interested in being happy. Not fair. My needs are so basic they are almost laughable.

[Incognito]

I saw that someone mentioned that having a place already lined up is not a good thing to do? How is that? If this is already a fail and the relationship WILL end I'd think being prepared for the reality that will follow will be best. Had this been a case where this was the first time a breakup was proposed and there was the possibility of reconciliation I'd agree that having movers and a new place would be a bit much. However, there have been multiple breakup attempts in which ftm has been either tricked into staying or guilted into staying. This (if he sticks to it this time) is the final attempt to breakup and I suspect that he'll actually go through with it. Not having plans for the "after" is like going into the restroom knowing that there is no toilet paper and going anyway. The end result is still the same, it is just a matter if you're prepared for it or not. He can either have a messy bottom (per the illustration) and no place to live and no way to quickly get his things -or- he can clean up nicely (the illustration) and move out quickly and have a place to live. It seems like an obvious decision to me.

I also disagree with not pointing the finger. Yes they both have played their part in this, but her not wanting to change in a lasting way is what brought ftm to this point. No one should be humored just for the sake of their feelings if they were the main problem. I personally don't think ftm has the will to call her out on this during the breakup like I would, but I certainly wouldn't tell him to intentionally pussyfoot around the real reason for the breakup. I would soooo include the "dead horse" comment in my breakup speech, lol.

@ ftm: selflessnhumble is absolutely right about the fact that you cannot worry about what your mutual friends will think. Even if you did everything "right" some may still take sides. That is life unfortunately, and you can't be on good terms with everyone. I think it has been established throughout your threads that this woman is extremely manipulative, selfish, and only friend material. Why is it that you cannot seem to make final and definite steps to rid yourself of her once and for all? You are right on the brink and you keep coming up with excuses to not go through with it. You can't worry about friends, you cannot worry about what she'll say, you cannot worry about having to sort through mutually owned possessions. Make provisions (movers and a new place), put your blinders on, and go go GO with the breakup.