In the blink of an eye, a close to perfect relationship up in smoke

[steviej]

I'm still reeling in shock, i'll try keep this brief but here's the situation:

6 months ago, a met the perfect girl. Her personality, character, looks etc everything i wanted.
We were very compatible, got on great, sex life was fantastic, we fell for each other.

6months or so before getting with me she'd come out of a 5yr relationship (she's 24) it ended badly and she wasn't looking for a commitment, just fun. It started off that way, but we hit it off so well it all changed. However, i always kept that thought in the back of my mind, not to come on too strong in case it pushed her away.
Last friday, with no sign or warning, she split with me, and wouldn't answer calls or texts.

I was so devestated i can't describe. 24hrs of hell, then her best friend penny texts me the next day, saying she'd spoke to her and convinced her to talk it over with me.
She came round in tears 'i made a big mistake, i love you' etc etc
turns out she was afraid of getting hurt, she wasn't sure i felt the same, as a defense mechanism she ended it and ran away.
This was a shock, as she'd always been a confident, mature minded person. But she's the kind who bottles things up and then waits for breaking point.
So, we had the big talk, i told her exactly how i felt about her, 'the one' how much i'm in love with her, how great i think she is etc, she was saying similiar things, i was over the moon!

The one thing she said though is we needed to do more stuff together, as a couple. I agreed, as i had sorta not given her enough special attention (taking her out, just the two of us)

All is well.

A week later (friday just gone) she was working a nightshift. We had talked about doing something on the saturday, but i got a phonecall from friends who lived a couple of hours away that i very rarely see asking me to come over. I mentioned it to her and she seemed fine with it, and i'd see her sunday instead.

When i was most of the way there i got a text saying she wanted to end it, she was sorry to do it again but she doesn't love me, she was angry i left her for my mates when i should have spent time with her.
She won't take my calls or answer my texts.
I'm absolutely devestated and kicking myself. I drove straight back but she wouldn't see me. I didn't realise things were so fragile, we literally had the best ever relationship right up until last week.

I got frustrated and let emotions get the better of me and last night sent her alot of texts explaining my feelings, pputting everything out there. No reply to any except when i asked if she read them, a simple 'yes'.

Totally lost right now, can't sleep, eat or concentrate on anything, i just want to see her!

[steviej]

I sent her one last text this morning, alot more controlled than the ones last night just telling her that i meant what i said, i miss her and hope she's ok.
Fter reading alot of threads on here (darkhelmet's 10 page one especially) the advice given seems to be give her space and no contact. How long for though?

I text her friend penny asking if she'd spoke to her or got in touch, she never replied which i'm seeing as a very bad sign, she might be giving her advice that is negative this time, rather than positive like last time.
The pain of this is too much

[rum38]

well, clearly she was not ok with you changing plans to go see friends. She felt rejected and it's easier to get angry rather than say "well, I feel a bit let down, but I get that you want to see your friends. Can we make another time to see each other?"

also, it sounds like she might have fears or insecurities.. I mean, you are seeing friends who you might otherwise not see for awhile, that's no big deal right? What is she really worried about? These are things to discuss with her and let her know she is safe to express her feelings. But also let her know that you find it very hurtful when she cuts things off with you when her feelings get overwhelmed. A couple of times of running away, ok, whatever. But what about the tenth or twentieth time she does it? Try to find healthy ways to communicate with one another..

In the meantime, give her some space. You have tried to reach out. Now leave it. I know it is hard. Listen to some music, take a walk, visit a friend, and get your mind off things. If she has any courage at all she will call you to discuss things.

[steviej]

Thanks for the reply, i'm only now realising about these insecurities. She's not a jealous person and i don't think she's worried about me going away with these friends for a night, it's more me letting her down and her thinking that this is what it's going to be like.

At least, thats what i'm thinking anyway.

How long do you stay in this limbo for?

I'm 30, been in several 'serious' relationships in the past (all longer than this, but they've never felt like this) and i've not been in this situation before!
Arghhh, i just want to see her....

[steviej]

Oh, IF we get back together, there's no way i'd go through this a 3rd time (easy to say though!) It' just not good for my head! Stress levels are through the roof.

Communication is the key, i thought we'd sorted that last week, but instead she fires a text and runs away

It's mad to think just how great everything was and how it just changes overnight.

[rum38]

Well, it sounds like she is really frightened by the connection she has made with you since she decided it is more than just fun. It's a very vulnerable feeling. I wish I could predict for how long she will keep away. I'm sorry, I know it hurts a lot. If it were me, I could not stay away more than 3 days, particularly if someone were as expressive as it seems you are. But honestly, if you have messaged her your feelings, apologized, tried to call etc, what more can you do? It is up to her to try and handle her feelings and decide if she wants to meet you halfway. It was a misunderstanding because she agreed to something she was not ok with. But honestly, how much do you have to beg?

[rum38]

"Oh, IF we get back together, there's no way i'd go through this a 3rd time (easy to say though!) It' just not good for my head! Stress levels are through the roof."

Yes, that is another reason to stay away. If and when you get back together you need to make it clear you will not tolerate your feelings being put through the mincer like this. Staying away shows you have the willpower (even if you are chewing the furniture trying to stop yourself from calling!)

I know what I say. I have been exactly the same as your GF. I am determined to be healthier though.

[steviej]

Rum, thanks. It really feels better to get other opinions from people who are detached from the situation but have similiar experiences.

I was thinking, no contact from now on. I'm off work thursday, so was thinking a small, subtle bunch of flowers and a brief note just telling her i miss her. Hopefully her mum will meet me and pass them to her.

If there is no contact by next weekend...

[tmj99]

I don't have any constructive advice other than to empathize and to say I feel for you. Really hope it works out, this kinda pain sucks.

[steviej]

Well it's monday morning and i'm back in work. I honestly thought it would be good to be here as i can distract myself but it's not happpening, my mind is very annoyingly focused on her!
Still no contact and it's killing me. I go from deeply missing her and wanting to see her, to getting angry that she treated me like this after everything that was said just days before.
The anger bit is good, easier to deal with! Sadly it doesn't last

I'm set on leaving it till thursday before i break the no contact, although i've not decided how or what to say yet.

My heart still races every time a get a text or phonecall thinking it might be her!! Bah, i need to man up, but struggling.