One Sided

[FwedFwintstone]

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for four months and we're both in our late thirties.

Everything is going well and we spend so much time together, but it seems like she doesn't make any time for me.

Im the only person who can't make plans with his girlfriend. She often cancels my plans on the day, but we keep her plans the next. My friends can get her to make appointments two weeks in advance, but I can't.

I confronted her telling her I was getting confused and upset and she told me she didn't mean to hurt me and we will definitely make plans next time.

A week later, I suggest we do something that we both wanted to do and had been discussing and asked her what date was good with her. She told me to stop worrying and that we have all the time in the world and that she doesn't want to come between me and my friends.

How do I handle this? What do I do? I think either she thinks Im worrying and need to settle down more - so time will heal all and I can ask, or Im going to have to sit down and have a chat because she really doesn't understand what she is doing, or she really is just selfish.

When is a good time frame to approach this subject? What could the reasons be for this behaviour? Would it be better over email where I can explain everything without interruption, or should I do it face to face?

What's the best way of raising this without her thinking Im telling her off?

Fwed

[vashti]

have the talk in person, obviously. You aren't a child anymore.

I don't understand how you can "spend so much time together", and yet feel she doesn't make any time for you. Either you are seeing her, or you aren't.

[FwedFwintstone]

If you're doing everything your partner asks but they don't meet you half way, then you can spend time together, yet only one is giving.

[Stillits]

It sounds a little like she thinks you two spend too much time together (I'm thinking the part where she said she doesn't want to come between you and your friends.)

[Boisdevie]

Sounds like you value your 'relationship' more than she does. So why not back off a bit or find a nicer girlfriend?

[FwedFwintstone]

But that's where it gets ironic. She's the one inviting me out all the time. I haven't been able to invite her out on a date yet. If we're spending too much time together, it's her making. She's taken me everywhere she goes. She's the one who's made all the (welcome) advances!

[devonbrown]

You said the two of you are both in your late 30s, right? Dating has difference conditions the older we get, because life gets more intricate the older we get. There is normally work or a career at this point in people's lives. Often times there are children involved. But mostly, there is a better understanding of who we are as individuals. Maybe she is trying to be respectful of you and your need for individual space. Or maybe she is trying to tell you that she needs her individual space. Canceling plans is not good, but maybe there are compelling reasons.
She also just might be a person who prefers to keep things in her control in her life. Maybe it has served her well in the past.

Whatever the reasons are, if this is bothering you this much, then talk to her. Do it in person. Maybe over coffee or dinner. Don't be accusatory towards her, be mature and respectful. Just tell her how you feel and ask her how she feels about it. And then take it from there. Remember, the fact that she is making plans with you is a good thing, so there has to be something else (that she might not even be aware of) that is causing her to not follow any time requests you might have thrown out.

Good luck.

[Cerby]

Hey, I can speak from experience on this, I've been here and I know that you're probably in a state of confusion.

The situation was much like yours, she'd make plans with me, but usually be too busy if I wanted to plan anything (even if it was something we both agreed we wanted to do). If I'd press the issue a bit she would do the same to me as to you - tell me to stop worrying because we had only been dating a few months. Every couple of weeks or so I'd casually bring it up, tell her that we seemed to be doing everything on her schedule, and she told me to be patient with her. babbled on about not being ready to commit and being too busy to lock in plans too far in advance. She tended to be a bit dodgy with my questions, so we went for a coffee and really talked it out. I learned more during that 45 minutes than I did at any other point. Sadly at that point we decided to take a couple of weeks off, but sure enough, it worked out for the better. After that I found myself a little less engaged in the relationship, let her call the shots for a while, and things slowly but surely improved.

Anyways, the solution was listed by someone else above, speak to her about it, and also accept that you just might need to back off a little bit. Let her come to you a bit more, let her take the reigns for a bit and just play the way she wants to. Like Devon said, if she is making plans with you, she wants to see you, but there may be something else going on as well. You just need to be patient and let things unfold at her pace. A relationship moves only at the speed of the slowest person, and pushing it never works well.

[FwedFwintstone]

Thanks. Could you shine some more light on what the reasons are, what happened in your relationship? Was it shyness or trust or something? I don't mind it happening as long as I know there's light at the end, if she's shy, I got all the time in the world. If its just selfishness, then no way.

It just seemed odd to me that she has time when my friends ask, but when I ask, she didn't. I guess if she thinks Im worrying, that I need to back off or Im going to sound pressurising. But then I was never backed on in the first place. My gf was making the plans and I was agreeing.

Maybe I should stop being so agreeable and create some distance. But I detest playing games, and if someone wants space, why do they keep asking me out!

[VincenzoG91]

It sounds like a control issue. She wants the two of you to do what she wants, but then she is too busy to be available for your plans.

[Cerby]

Ok, her and I are still together and although this issue does still persist from time to time, I came to see things from her perspective and understand a little bit more as it was unfolding. This isn't so distant in the past either, so I can definitely still relate.

The reasons I found out were a combination of a few things. I found out that she had left a brutal relationship about 6 weeks before we started dating, and although she was attracted to me, she was still trying to find herself. That was the reason she asked for my patience as well as respecting her space and time a bit. She also works evenings 5 nights a week, so when she gets off work, she just wants to go home, eat, watch a movie, play with her puppy, and go to bed. In a way I was actually encroaching on her unwinding time when I saw her after work (she got off at 10pm). And lastly, she was straight up afraid to commit to anyone so soon after a fiery disaster of a relationship, so when I pushed her, it pushed her away. We lost quite a bit of our early intimacy because of me pushing her too hard, and we're still working to get it back. These are the reasons - all of which I learned at coffee.

So now instead of pushing her, I let her do what she needs to as long as she also meets my minimum needs - see each other at least once a week for some meaningful time together. But since we've opened our issues, I find that I see her more than I did previously. She is relaxed and happy that she isn't under any pressure to take the relationship where she doesn't want it to go.

Does any of this reflect on your situation? I don't know, but these were the causes of why my gf would frequently dodge any sort of commitment questions as well as any pre-arranged dates.

Its been almost a month since we got it back on track, and here is what I do to keep myself from worrying about it:
- value my time more, when she isn't around or is busy, I focus on what I need to do, and make sure I'm not thinking/waiting on her
- back off a bit, although I do ask her to hang out on weekends, I leave her alone completely during the week, I let her have her time, but make sure we're not 100% always on her schedule.
- appreciate the fact that you have some space and time, because if she IS the one, this is time you'll never get back
- validate myself - if I start to worry that things aren't going right, I remind myself that she chooses to be with me too, and that we're both in this relationship together, just because she doesn't have the time for my plans doesn't mean she doesn't want to be with me.
- lastly, I acknowledge that if the relationship does fail before we're both 100% where we want to be, then I wasn't completely happy anyways and I should focus on moving on

[FwedFwintstone]

Thanks. It does sound intriguing and Im sure there are things I can relate on even if I don't delve into specifics here.

What do you make of the fact that she will agree to anything my friends suggest but not what I come up with? I suppose one possibility is that she is nervous to be alone with me if anything bad has happened in the past, however this is not true. We have been alone on several occasions in private.

One thing that reinforces the "she's just selfish" attitude, is that she keeps texting her friends back when she's with me, but doesn't text me back when she's with her friends. I don't expect a text when she's busy, but if Im in a relationship, I'd have hoped for some equal treatment. But this is just inconsistent.

She updates her Facebook account before she texts me.

I really don't understand it, but I go with the she chooses to be with me and time should help us grow closer together.

[Cerby]

Yea, the selfish thing is a tough one to work out. I suffer from the same problem, she will answer texts (sometimes from other guy friends) when I'm around, but might not always answer mine when she is out with friends. I addressed it politely with her, and even though she still texts her friends, she doesn't take calls from them anymore while I'm around, and she also makes a stronger effort to get back to me if I call/text. That said, if she doesn't get back to you right away, its not the end of the world.

Try not to let the little things bring you down (I'm guilty of it too), but like you said, she chooses to be with you and thats where you are, she makes plans with you, but doesn't always accept your plan making. Making a mountain out of a molehill can collapse an early relationship, but you are also entitled to bring up the things that bother you. So try not to push too hard, I did and it ended up setting us back, but also make sure you communicate with her that you're bothered when you are.

And ultimately, if you're not happy, then there is a real problem. Just remember there is a difference between anxiety and happiness - anxiety you can work through, happiness is a hard thing to turn around.

[FwedFwintstone]

Very happy. Just a bit cautious and confused because the actions and the emotional connection doesn't seem to tally up with the words. I think it's one of those things that I have to accept for the time being, but Im not keen to push the point just yet and would rather wait until the dust has settled a bit before being assertive and explaining I want to take my girlfriend out on a date, not my friends. Thank you.

[IncognitoSir]

It sounds like a control issue. She wants the two of you to do what she wants, but then she is too busy to be available for your plans.

Very plan and very simple. Look at the facts. SHE makes all these plans and it's all good right? That is until you decide to make plans, then, something ALWAYS pops up? Not likely at all. Best to get this straight now, sounds like a bad habit that is effecting you in a bad way.