Was I just a rebound?

[Spirit25]

So I broke up with my boyfriend of a little over month last week after I finally found out why he had been so distant the last few days. I come to find out his ex who had left him for another guy had been texting him the last few days. She now revealed that she cheated on him the entire time they were dating. He thought he was over the pain she caused him but he was surprised that it still bothered him. I didn't want to feel second best so I ended things. It's not fair to me and he needs time and space to heal. He told me I wasn't second best to him, that I was originally his first choice just at that time I was not ready to date him and then we went on to date our exes.

Back Story: We had been friends for almost 3 years. I met him at a party, one of those wild parties where a lot of people were making out with everyone. We actually made out that night and he told me years later that kiss stayed with him forever. He never forgot that night or that kiss. Had carried a torch for me all that time. My best friend had a brief thing for him so I didn't pursue him then. He asked my friend if I was into him, but she told him I wasn't his type. I actually denied my attraction to him for years but there deep down I knew there was something there between us. When he was going through hard times I was there for him and he was always there for me. I started dating someone and he did the same. My relationship ended badly and he reached out to me and thats when he revealed he always had a thing for me. I didn't let the conversation too far cause I didn't feel it was right to his girlfriend so I ended it with just saying thank you. I did not know however at the time they were having major problems until much later.

I hurt for awhile over my ex and finally started to pick myself back up a bit. Then I found out his girlfriend had left him. I reached out to him of course and told him I was there for him if he needed to talk.

A few months later I was on Plenty Of Fish and saw him on there. He seen that I had viewed his profile and revealed how much he still liked me and wanted pursue a relationship with me. We agreed to just take things slow. Get to really know each other more and just date. He really started to open up to me and I was able to open up to him to point where I'm pretty much completely over my ex. Then last week he started to shut down on me. He didn't seem to want to hang out or talk. I finally got it out of him that he was having second thoughts but he wanted to talk to see if there was anything we could do to make this work. After hearing what happened I knew there wasn't. Nothing is gonna help that but time. I feel powerless cause there is nothing I can do to help him except try and be his friend. We were friends before all this and he said he really does care about me and he really wanted us to stay friends. It was nothing I did, he's just not ready to give me his full heart and that I deserve better.

For my sake I didn't want to stay friends at this point and wanted to make a clean break and delete him of facebook. He begged me to reconsider. Why does he care about remaining friends? He has shown very little concern for my feelings since we got together. He says I'm special to him and that he notices when I'm not around. When I am around he says it makes him feel good but yet he hasn't done anything to back up these statements. I know he's going through stuff right now but I feel like I'm second best. Like these last 2 years and a half of him of having feelings for me was all for nothing. It makes me feel that I really wasn't that special to him. He says it has nothing to do with me. That he didn't get bored of me. Yet I feel otherwise.

Am I wrong to feel this way? Despite what he said about having feelings for me for so long, am I now just a rebound and been shoved in the "friend zone"? I'm just sick of getting hurt. I just want to be first for once.

[DarkHelmet82]

sometimes people need time and space.. give it to him and see what happens.. wait a month or so and contact him if he doesnt first.. then you can see where you are at.

[Spirit25]

I actually made the mistake of contacting him two days later to see if he was okay, because despite my pain I do care about him and how he's doing. I said that I am still here for him if he ever wanted to talk as I have gone through a lot of bad relationships so I can relate. I said I would let him be so he could deal on his own time. I said that if and when he was ready to let someone in again to come find me. He said thanks that he'd be okay and he needed time to figure out what he wanted.

[DarkHelmet82]

well he knows where you stand... just do no contact for a little bit.. worst thing you can do is smother him.. im going through a similar situation.. my ex said she "wishes she met me a month later, as things would be different, and she needs time to figure things out." she felt that she "rushed into it." I told her I want to be with her... so she knows where i stand.. but I have given her space, i sent her a congratulations text yesterday for graduating but that is it. During the breakup i told her if we stayed as friends I would cling to the hope we would get back. She didnt rule that out, but at the same token, I cant wait around forever. I told her "dont be upset, lets be friends and take it from there."

If i were you just do what he asks.. if he wants to get back with you AND YOU feel the same way great! If not, thats OK... I would try to move on.. you cant sit around waiting for him to decide.. its not fair. Just like I cant sit around and wait for her... If I am still available if and when she makes up her mind great... I may even contact her in a month If i still feel strongly about her and am still single. BUt the way I look at it is time to move on and see what happens. You should do the same.

[Spirit25]

I was just on POF checking to see who viewed me and saw he was online. Obviously he has no interest in getting back with me if he's talking to other girls.

[DarkHelmet82]

then you need to move on.

[Spirit25]

Yes I do it just hurts. I feel used right now. I don't even want to be his friend anymore so I intend of cutting him completely out of my life.

[DarkHelmet82]

He may not have been doing it purposly.. no sense in blaming yourself or taking it personally

[Spirit25]

I do take it personal. I found out some other things last night that I'm not going to post here. He's just not the guy I thought he was unfortunately.

[elleda]

you'd be right to cut him out of your life. you don't need that reminder and he doesn't deserve that anyway. but man is it hard!

i have a similar issue, check out my current post in the advice forum.

good luck! xo

[Spirit25]

Thanks! I know I deserve better whether he didn't purposely mean to hurt me or not. I'm not sticking around and pray that one day he will realize what a huge mistake he made. I can walk away knowing I did all I could. He's the one with the problem. He's the one that learns nothing from his previous relationships. He keeps going down this destructive path of pushing mature women who actually care about him aside for young immature girls who play games. Until he wises up and stop doing this, stop running from something real he will always get hurt and be unhappy. The is nothing I can do for him. He has to learn this on his own. He can't be what I need right now. It just hurts me to see him about rebound again. It's been a week since we broke up. He's a mess and should not be dating anyone right now. He needs to happy alone by himself before he should even casually date someone. I would hate to see another girl like myself get hurt cause he can't stand being alone. Glad though I found out this now instead of months down the line when I really fell for him.