Am I The Rebound Guy?

[shheadz]

I'm think I need to break up with my girlfriend of only two months. I'm writing this post because I have a lot on my mind that I need to get out, and I know she won't want to talk about it. She's not much for communication, and I need to get this off my chest.

Nicole is 21, and dated her previous boyfriend for nine months. According to her, their relationship was over many months before she finally broke it off. He was a jerk, didn't treat her right, and all of that.

He was her rebound guy from another two year relationship that ended badly. She told me she never really gave him a chance, because she was still getting over the previous relationship in which she was engaged, and he cheated on her and got another girl pregnant.

I'm 33, and I haven't dated anyone seriously for many years. I'm a former Marine, and because of the nature of being in the service I hooked up with a lot of women, but didn't have the time or stability to get into any real relationships.

Nicole and I work together -- which is going to make this a lot harder if we do break up -- and we hung out with mutual friends from time to time while she was still dating her previous boyfriend. There was a definite attraction between us, and later she told me that her decision to break up with him had a lot to do with hanging out with me. She "saw that there could be something better." She didn't exactly say that she wanted to be with me instead of him, but rather that she needed a change in her life, and saw the possibility for a different, better life, with a better boyfriend, better group of friends, etc.

I also needed a change in my life. I'd been very focused on my career since getting out the service, and just happened to feel emotionally ready to get into a relationship when her and I started hanging out. The timing was just right when we started dating.

She started coming over to my place just a couple weeks after she broke up with the previous guy, and things were VERY hot for that first week. She came over every night, and she did all the sexy things that any guy could want, and I did all the fun things with her that her previous boyfriend didn't.

When we did try having sex a week later she broke down crying before we got started, because she was raped when she was younger, and I was being "too aggressive", and it scared her. I had been aggressive the whole week prior, but because it was her time of the month, we didn't actually have sex. So I kind of felt the crying thing was BS, but I tried to be understanding.

As great as those first couple weeks were, there have been some red flags that I shouldn't have ignored.

* She compared me to her ex quite a bit. They were all positive comparisons, and they inflated my ego, so I wasn't bothered by them. I didn't get jealous when she talked to other guys at the bar like her ex. She could really be herself around me unlike her with ex. I took her places all the time, unlike her ex... etc. In fact, she brought up all her exes on a fairly regular basis until I finally told her it bothered me.

* We started to have some nasty fights after those first couple weeks, and they were even a little physical. I ended up with a mild black eye after one nasty fight. They only happen when we were really drunk, and she told me from the start that she gets a little insane, and even violent when she's drinking, so we blame the fights on the alcohol. We stopped drinking hard alcohol when we go out, and haven't' had any fights since then, although she's had a couple emotional break downs.

* I really go out of my way to do thoughtful things for her, but she doesn't go out of her way to do much for me, which I think shows a lack of interest. She told me from the start of the relationship that she was very selfish, and I can tell from her interaction with her parents that she's very spoiled, and used to getting, and not giving, so I dismissed my feelings.

* We were partying a lot, and drinking a lot in those first couple weeks, and having pretty wild sex. When we're sober though she doesn't really want to have sex. There's another issue -- which I'm going to explain in a moment -- that's made sex an issue between us.

* Over the past couple days, when we go out to bars, she spends more time talking to other guys than she does me. Typically they seem to be guys more like her previous friends, and closer to her age. I dismissed this because she has no other friends (They cut ties with her when she broke up with the ex), and we've been around each other 24/7. There's only so much you can be around someone before you start to get a little tired of them, and need to talk and hang out with other people. Now though I'm wondering if she's finally had enough with me, and feels the need to get back to her previous way of life.

* After a petty little fight last week, she started talking about needing some time alone. A lot of crap has fallen into her life very recently that has nothing to do with our relationship, and I understand that she's stressed. She also has a lot of "issues" that she takes medication for, and I think she's started cutting herself again. She was talking about the need for time alone because our fight was bringing more problems into her already stressful life, but now I wonder if continuing to date me is a possible cause of her stress. After only a day of "needing to be alone", she wanted to spent time with me again.

There are other red flags here and there, but I'm madly in love/lust, so I easily dismiss them all. Her family absolutely loves me, she brags to old friends about our relationship, and our co-workers all tell her how lucky she was to be with me.

Disaster struck a little over a month into our relationship when she got pregnant. We were foolish, and weren't using any kind of protection. She suspected for a couple weeks before home testing that she was pregnant, and it was one of the reasons I so easily accepted the slow down in sex. She said she was feeling sick on a regular basis, and she was scared, so I accepted all the cuddling, and no sex.

We both decided she should get an abortion, and that's what we did. I tried to be the model boyfriend during that time, and gave her as much emotional support as I could. She honestly seemed to feel good about the decision, although she later admitting to having regrets.

Normally I would see our relationship as a cut and dry rebound thing, but there have been a number of issues that have complicated my thinking, and feelings. For one, the guy she broke up with to be with me was a rebound thing. The slow down in sex can be explained by her past experiences, and the abortion. We did have some crazy, wild, all night long sex the other night, but we were both a bit drunk and stoned. Her need to be alone can be explained by stress not related to our relationship, and her "issues". Her talking to other guys/gals when we're out lately can be explained by us being together so much, and her need to have an independent life.

She tells me all the time that she loves me, and when we're sleeping together she holds me tight, and caresses me body. All day long she leans into me, and wants to hug me, so it really does feel like love on her part, but I'm wondering if she's not confused about her feelings, and what she wants.

I'd love to talk to her about these things, but she really has a communication problem, and I'm worried that if push the issue she'll see this relationship as being just a drag, and not what she needs in her life right now. She really does have a number of mental issues that complicate things.

Right now I'm conflicted, and not sure if I should break it off now, and avoid the heart break that might be just down the road, or keep going for a bit longer, and see where things go. I've got to admit, I really adore and love her a lot, and I'd rather be with her even if she doesn't know for sure weather she wants to be with me, or if she's fooling herself into thinking I'm the right guy for her.

[lhn]

Wow, where to start. Thats an awfully complicated situation for a ton of reasons so I feel for u. What have you gotten yourself into :p

Well firstly you don't sound like a happy boyfriend to me. She's great, you love the sex; the laughter; the fun times but there does seem to be a ton of confusing & unhappy times too.
I appreciate its very hard to explain a situation well on a forum but am I right in thinking you guys only really have a great time when drunk and/or high?! Thats not a great!

I suppose the only thing you need to concentrate on is yourself. You're at the beginning of a relationship so it's not exactly requiring a divorce if you decide it's not for you. You spend all your time together (as I did with my ex) - at work, at home etc etc so things can get quite intense. The best piece of advice I think you can be given is to slow things down. If she is 'the one' then there is no need to be rushing the shit out of the relationship.

Next weekend explain that you are out on friday/saturday night with some 'out of town' friends so regrettably wont be able to see her. Have some time to yourself rather than bottlenecking it. The thing is, if it gets to the stage or u decide to end things, u don't want her to feel as if she has told you everything and now you're dumping her. She sounds a tad unstable from what you've said and afterall, you would need to still work with her.

Cool the relationship down a notch until you decide what you want. That way, you're leaving your options open whilst deciding whats best for you.

[shheadz]

Well firstly you don't sound like a happy boyfriend to me.

I'm not 100% happy, and that's what the petty fight was about. But my unhappyness is from lack of communication in our relationship, and my own insecurities.

am I right in thinking you guys only really have a great time when drunk and/or high?!

Yes and no. Our most tender moments together are when we're sober, and we enjoy each others company completely. However we both have a mild drinking problem, and some issues with depression, so we only really have fun when drinking, whether it's with each other or not.

I do plan on slowing things down for now, and give us both a little time to think about where this is going. I'm making sure we're not going to see each other for at least the next few days. I don't want to make a bad decision without giving myself time to think about our relationship clearly.

My thinking right now is that I am a rebound guy for her, and in some weird way she's a rebound girl for me. She's what I needed to get myself back into the dating scene after a long hiatus. I'm concerned though that this relationship could end up dragging out a lot longer than it should, because neither of us really understands what we're feeling.

Also she dated her last boyfriend for months after the passion was gone, because she didn't want to hurt his feelings, and possibly because she didn't have any other prospects (Until she met me). I don't want to be that guy. I don't want to be strung along because she's afraid to hurt my feelings, and then get dumped when she finally finds another guy.

[seanmyers1985]

I am going to make this very easy for you. You need to break up with her and move on. There should never be this many problems with a relationship especially in the first 2 months! It's fine, I know you haven't experienced a lot of them being in the service and thats ok. There are plenty more women out there for you. Dump this shit like its going to shoot at you.

Second, you mentioned there were physical confrontations. Never ever remain in a relationship where there is a physical fight. That screams emotional issues. If you participated, the honest truth is that you need therapy. Anger management is a big deal in relationships and its ok not to be ready to be in one if you can't control your temper. We all get angry enough to hit someone sometimes, you just have to know how to walk away from a situation. That actually helps many fights. Knowing how to walk away when an argument STARTS will help you come back and have a normal conversation that can be productive. The problem with arguments is that no matter how hard you try neither party gives a rats ass about the others opinion. It is just a fact.

Third, she mentioned being raped. I tell you from personal experience, it is not a fun thing to try to be a girls therapist and boyfriend at the same time. There are plenty of girls out there who haven't been emotionally scarred. You don't need to be anyones savior. If you don't listen to that advice, you will figure it out on your own for sure.

Fourth AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, it honestly seems like you have a little bit of a jealousy issue. Its ok! Everyone feels that sometimes. Again, its all about how you choose to react. As much as this may seem like a weird thing, trust is more of an action than an emotion or feeling. You can feel like something is wrong but still choose not to act on it. Yes, you may end up getting hurt this way, but you will not maintain a long term relationship until you figure this out. You have to actively trust women. You will chase away every women you ever get with if you can't let them do what they want and see who they want.

Good Luck!

[Dogtoast]

Yeah there's many red flags you should begin paying attention to. The whole rape thing just seems like wayy more trouble than you want to deal with. The fact that you're fighting already after 2 months AND its physical, is not good. You two working together can also cause problems.

Short answer to your intial question, yes you are most likely the rebound guy. Especially since she's talking about her ex all the time.

Just my .02

[shheadz]

Maybe I'm still in denial, and still ignoring red flags, but here's my thinking on some of your replies:

Second, you mentioned there were physical confrontations. Never ever remain in a relationship where there is a physical fight. That screams emotional issues.

Yes, and it's emotional issues on her part. She explained before we even started dating, that those kinds of fights might happen with her when she's drinking. While that doesn't make it right, and the emotional issue itself is a red flag, it is normal behavior for her, and doesn't seem directly related to our relationship.

That actually helps many fights. Knowing how to walk away when an argument STARTS

I've got that down to a science now, and have cooley walked away from a couple fights she tried to start while she was really drunk.

Third, she mentioned being raped... There are plenty of girls out there who haven't been emotionally scarred

That's really tricky, and hard for me to accept. I'm sure you're probably right, but I'm not perfect myself, and I don't expect others to accept my issues if I won't accept theirs. In fact, I feel like most of the initial rough patches in our relationship were because we're two people with issues, and it took a little time to understand each other. A lot of the red flags I mentioned happened early on in the relationship, and haven't been a problem for a little while.

Fourth AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, it honestly seems like you have a little bit of a jealousy issue.

Yes and no. I do feel jealous from time to time, but I really don't show it. She's even thanked me for not being the jealous type. I did learn from my first young romances, that the quickest way to push a girl away is to get jealous, and possessive. Again, it doesn't mean I don't FEEL that way, but I think I do a good job of hiding it.

--

My concern is SHE doesn't even realize this is a rebound relationship, so how can I expect her to see the light, and realize this isn't going to work? I really want to work things out with her, but I can't if she's in denial, because eventually she'll wake up to the facts, and drop me cold. By then I'll be even more entangled in her, and I'll be hurt even more.

She said she always messes up relationships, and that could be because she's a "serial rebounder". She may not realize that so many of her previous relationships ended in disaster, not because there is something wrong with her, but because she's always jumped right into one unhealthy relationship after another.

This whole thing could be resolved if I could just talk to her like an adult, but she completely shuts down emotionally when I try to talk about anything serious. Right now I need to distance myself from her for a few days, and give her time to think, and come talk to me.

[shheadz]

Sorry, I'm ranting a little bit, because this is the only thing on my mind right now.. Just read this in another forum regarding rebound relationships:

Many females disbond emotionally over time while they are in a bad relationship to they're already over the other person by the time they actually leave them physically. In that case, a new relationship probably wouldn't even be classified as a rebound.

I fully, and whole heartily believe she had disconnected emotionally from her previous boyfriend a long time before she finally broke it off with him. So this MIGHT not be a rebound relationship.... just a complicatedj/bad one.

[lhn]

I would say the best thing to do is to say to her... lets stop for now. Restart in a month or so. That makes complete sense and would help her realise if you are what she wants. And the same for you.

I think thats the best thing. If not, then aren't u searching for a solution that doesnt exist?

I mean... you're basically wondering if a relationship will work out in the long run so u dont get hurt/left behind. If we had THAT answer then this forum wouldn't be here

[Gigabitch]

She's too young for you. Your expectations of her are unreasonable, considering that.

[seanmyers1985]

I read over your replies carefully. First ignore the bitch that said she's too young for you. People can mature at many different times in their life. The biggest thing you have to do right now is stop making excuses for the problems you both have and just accept the fact that there are problems. Its too soon for there to be this many issues because you have no foundation with which to work them out. You gotta leave this one. If she means that much to you, take solace in the possibility that she might get through this. I promise that you are not going to be able to do it for her. Just get out of there.

[shheadz]

Ok, it's over. I broke it off with her, and we're cool. We still have to work together though, which I can manage, but I'm sure I'll break down if I even hear her mention another guy. Just the thought of her being in the arms of another guy is making me a bit insane.

I did tell her she needs to chill out with this whole rebound thing. She immediately rebounded to her previous boyfriend after a very emotional breakup with her fiance. She then immediately rebounded to me after breaking up with him. She wonders why her relationships turn out so badly, but it seems clear she keeps building them on a rocky foundation.

Oh well.. I'm going to be pretty broken hearted for a while. I knew she was too young, and this wasn't going to be some life long thing, but I really adored her, and she's going to be really hard to get over.

[lhn]

I have to work with mine too. in an office of 6people... its really really really tough. mine got with someone within a week of our split. Its the worst thing ever... stay strong.

U sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.

[shheadz]

We work in a small restaurant, so I'll be around her a lot. I already asked her not to mention any other guys around me for a while, and she understandably agreed.

[shheadz]

One more footnote to this ordeal...

After the breakup last night, we texted a bit this morning, and she was pretty nice and sweet. We were just working out some final details of our relationship, and making sure we could be cool with each other -- especially at work. Again, she was nice and sweet.

So I get called into work for tonight, and she's going to be working. So I texted her to let her know, because I know it's going to be an awkward situation. I said, "I'll be cool tonight.. just need to avoid you a bit cause this is hard".

She texts me back, very coldly, something like "jeez, working together a isn't life or death situation. Try acting like an adult."

Seriously? I mean, she knows she just broke my heart, and she's talking to me like that? I think this girl is bipolar. She goes from sweety (what attracted me to her in the first place) to cold hearted, emotionless bitch in a matter of hours.

I really, really need to avoid girls like this in the future.

[seanmyers1985]

You are doing great. I'm glad you decided to take that step because its an important one and you are right, its well established by now that this girl has issues. The next thing you should do to start the healing process is limit your contact with her as much as possible. I realize you have a close working environment and that this is going to be awkward as hell, but you are going to prolong these feelings for as long as you continue constant contact. First, loose her phone number. Start ignoring her messages. If she freaks out, politely explain that you want to keep things platonic as much as possible and that means only talking in situations at work where you must. The faster you do that, the faster this will be over for you. Like one of the posts said above, you obviously have a good head on your shoulders, so just sit back and relax. Get over this one and a better one will come along.