Nees advice on what others think of my situation

[John James]

Hi, I am at a bit of a crossroads in my relationship and would appreciate any advice people can offer.
Bit of background, I have been in a relationship for 23 years, since I was 19, we have 3 teenage children.

My situation is this, we never used to go out much due to the ages of the children, a couple of years ago we started going to a local pub and ended up meeting another couple of similar ages who we gone on well with straight away. after a few weeks we started going out together quite a lot until eventually we started doing everything together which was graet as neither of us had any other friends that we could call upon at a drop of a hat to go out with. So tahts the background of how we got to know our friends. Fast forward to about 6 months ago, Going to refer to me as J and my partner as jw and my mate as L and his partner as LS. We used to go out quite a bit to the local so we knew most people and would often spend evenings chatting to various different people so where not always chatting to each other. Jw and L always had a good relationship and were often at the bar talking to each other for long spells whereas myself and LS were not as chatty but would have a sort of wind up playful take the mick sort of relationship which was fine. I first strted to notice how they were always chatting and at first tok no notice at all, after a while though I walked outside the pub one evening and found them outside having a fag but L was leaning against the wall with Jw leaning against him with his arms around her, now this wasnt done secretly around a corner but just by the door, i at first took the mick by saying, oh yeah whats going on here then, I honestly didnt believe at the time that there was anything going on as there were often hugs between us all. This was the start of my doubts. im going to simply list the events that happened afterwards as this could go on.
We were at there flat, it was just me L and JW as LS was often away at weekends, I was in the toilet and heard kissing sounds came in and said nothing as I didnt want to cause a scene, cofronted JW next day and she said it was just L kissing her on the cheek "you know what he's like when he's had a drink.
Next was night in a pub again just the 3 of us, we were all quite drunk and L said he was going back to the flat, two minutes later JW said she didnt feel well and she was going, now she very rarely leaves without me and would normally wait until I leave but on this occasion she said are you coming and i said i'll be along in a bit. Now when I'm out and had a few chatting to mates I am not the easiest person to get out of a pub and hence stayed for a few more hours then went home. in the meantime JW had gone back to L's flat, which we normally always did and quite often stayed so JW would have assumed I would have gone back there but being drunk I decided to go home. JW stayed the night at L's alone, I woke up at 11 she still wasnt home I admit I called at was saying a few crappy things down the phone like why did you stay, why are you still there etc. etc she said she fell asleep and when she woke up she thought she might be over the limit to drive. Needless to say we had a blazing row when she came home. Didint talk for the rest of the day and I was sending some pretty shitty texts to her next day.
She came home that evening from work said she needed space and was going to stay with her mum, two days later she was staying at L LW's. During this time we didnt speak much, I had no contact with L and LW. I a week later she decided to come home because I was getting quite depressed (I have Bi Polar) for the next few days she didnt want sex saying it was to soon, but I also noticed in the bath that she had shaved which would have been the week she was away, JW didnt do thies very often, why do it then?
Couple of weeks later we had put this all behind us, JW giving me all the reasons abviosly saying I was paranoid, I would never cheat on you nor would L blah blah blah. However we were at their flat again, we had been out bit tipsy again LS was asleep I was lying on the floor those two where on the sofa, they thought i was asleep when I heard JW say in a loudish whisper in a sort playfull way "shut up" as in L had suggested something and she was playfully saying shut up they might hear us I unfortunately fell asleep seconds later. Awoke in the morning JW on the sofa L in bed, again the old your paranoid I didnt say that.
JW's phone bill came in, there where lots of texts to L on the monday JW left me, and again on the day she came back to me and then lots in the couple of weeks after. They very rarely text each other normally.
I asked whether she had text L at the time she moved out and when she came home, she denied this, I asked if she was sure she said she hadnt, I then produced the phone bill and she said she must have forgotten, next day she came home and said she text him " to get a mans perspective of how I might be feeling) yeah righto, why didnt she say thiis on the day
Afetr these events we still went out but they seemed to keep a distance between them ie no more chatting at the bar in pubs.
All was going well until this weekend, we where comin g home in a taxi, I was in the front LS was in the middle of the back seat lent forward between the front seats chatting to me and the cab driver again all a bit tipsy. After about ten mins noticed all was quiet in the back so turned round, LW was lying down and had her head and hand on L's crotch making out she was asleep. At this point I exploded, we got back to ours I was seething JW went straight into the toilet and shut herself in I was shouting at L he was saying nothing was happening, they left shrtly afterwards and I havent really spoken to him since or JW for that matter,
Sorry this dragged on but for those who stuck with it, am I being taken for a fool here, they say love is blind and maybe I dont want to believe it but when I put all the incidents together then i cant help thinking I am being taken f0r a mug. Sick of JW also lying about these situations, she never comes out straight away and says dont be stupid this was what was happening or that was happening.
what should I do, call time on this and get on with my life becaus now its getting me down.
Any advice would be apprecited

[workingman78]

Very hard to say, have you asked LS about any of it? You have not exactly caught them doing anything wrong, but at the same time, it is highly suspicious. I also notice a lot of this stuff happens when there is drinking involved, some peoples inhibitions really change after a couple of drinks. I wish I could give you more, but I think (from what you described) that she may be cheating on you, however if you are wanting to save this, maybe it is time for a calm conversation with her about how her actions are looking suspicious.

[bulrush]

Sounds like Jw is having an affair with L. They keep making excuses to be together.

[John James]

Thanks for the reply, I have discussed this with L as when JW left it was pretty obvious why but he just said that he was hurt that I thought what I did which Is why initially I let it drop at the time. The trouble is his girlfriend just thinks I am like this because of my bi polar and just says have you taken your pills si she will not accept any of this although she knows most of what's gone on albeit I have never actually sat her down and gone through the whole situation as I have on this forum. To be honest I don't see the point of discussing it with her as it won't make any difference to my situation. The hardest part of all of this is that L has always been a good friend and in a stupid way I don't want ti lose that friendship but I think there is too much evidence to think that nothing is going on. Have spoken to JW calmly on many occasions and she alway has a way of putting my mind at rest but again, look at the evidence. I think I need to move on, this thing will end up eating me alive and I will have no relationship left anyway. The hardest part is having doubt, not knowing ti be honest if they came clean and admitted it and maybe put it down to the fact that they did have feeling but it only cane out after a few drinks then there is a slight chance that we could salvage something of our relationship but I know JW too well she will lie lie lie even when the proof is put in front of her.

[workingman78]

I would think that now that you think you are aware of the situation, you would be able to catch them. I mean to me it doesn't seem too hard to think to myself, that you now know the approximate time/place/way that this happens. So spend a couple of weeks snooping around, and if they are doing it, you will catch them, I have no doubt.