Am I being unreasonable?

[maria90]

Three weeks ago I discovered I was pregnant, which was a complete shock to me as it was not planned and I thought me and my boyfriend had been careful. I told him about it and he too was very shocked and said we needed to act fact to 'sort it out'. I knew then that he didn't want me to keep the baby, but I had mixed feeling over this. We didn't discuss it in person, as it was over the christmas/new year period, so we weren't together.

I booked another appointment to see my gp and said I was unsure about my options/what to do. She made arrangements for me to have a scan and said I'd receive counselling at the clinic. This was all a huge blur to me and my boyfriend was saying things like 'don't worry, it will all be over and done with soon'. I didn't feel like I really had his support and I felt so alone in this situation. He was nice to me, just didn't want to talk about it. I went for my scan and discovered I was actually 15 weeks pregnant, when I only thought I'd be 5-8, as I'd missed just one period. At this initial consultation at the clinic, I wasn't really offered any counselling as my GP had said and they didn't seem very nice or sympathetic about my situation, just that I was stupid idiot for getting myself into this mess kind of thing. I didn't feel I was able to discuss my options with them, so I said I wanted a termination and signed the paperwork. I was booked in for the next week.

When I got home I felt so emotional. I told my boyfriend that I didn't know what to do and maybe an abortion wasn't the right thing. He then text me saying horrible things, that he couldn't have a child because it would ruin HIS life, HE wouldn't be able to see his friends and HE wouldn't be able to save up money if he had a baby to support. I ignored him for the next day and he kept texting these kind of things then one saying that he'd give me money to support it, but didn't want anything to do with it. I continued to ignore him, because he was really getting to me and I was in a complete state. The next day he was apologising asking to see me and make it up to me. I went to see him and he was so lovely, saying all the right things, he loved me blah, blah, blah. The I told him my feelings, that I wasn't sure what to do for the best and I'd feel so guilty about having an abortion and had no one to talk to about my feelings. I had no one to turn to. He said having a baby would ruin our lives that he wanted to do so much more with me and have a life together and promised we would go on holiday. he said that he'd be here for me no matter what, whenever I needed him he'd support me and help me through it. he'd do anything for me, anything to make me happy and look after me. He would help me get over this, we would do it together. I knew I'd feel guilty, but i thought that with his support i'd be able to move on and forget about this.

The day of the abortion came and I went on my own as he was working. I was so terrified and I still didn't know if it was the right thing to do. I'd become attached to the baby, but I kept thinking my boyfriend would be here for me, he would make everything okay and he'd be here whenever and do whatever it takes t make me happy. I had it done and I felt terrible after. This was on Wednesday 25th jan. I went home after and went to bed. I text him and asked if I could see him this weekend. He took ages to reply, he said he had made plans for this weekend but would see me the next... in 11 days. I was really upset and crying all night because I didn't expect him to make plans on his only days off work, just after his girlfriend had had an abortion and felt like complete shit.

I didn't text him and he didnt me. Last night he messaged me asking me why I wasn't speaking to him, I told him my feelings about it and he said he was really sorry but he was going out for a meal on saturday night with his family. I guess that was fair, but thought he could see me on fri or sun night, but he said he didn't want to see me for just one night. This confused me. I just ignored him, then later on when I was on facebook, it came up on the news feed that he had recently arranged a big night out on saturday night. he'd replied to some girls status saying about him 'deffo being there ' which made me feel terrible. So now he'd lied to me about the plans he'd made.. he was seeing his friends to go out drinking and having a good time while his girlfriend lays in bed all weekend and next week suffering and alone. I reacted to this maybe saying some stupid things, but I think I had a point- he lied to me!! It seems like he's not bothered about me now, that now i've had the abortion he's stopped being supportive and caring and just wants to go out and have fun and doesn't matter about what I'm going through. I said all this to him and he text me this morning saying he's offered to see me next weekend, so how's that not enough? and that he thinks it's best if me and him are just friends now.

Sorry this is long, do you think i'm being unreasonable... is it ok for him to make plans when he knew i needed him and told him that I did? Why is he being like this? and now he's saying he wants to be 'just friends'? Sorry if I seem stupid, I'm just very alone with no support and I thought he'd be here for me. What else can I say to him to make him realise?

He's 22 and I'm 24 by the way.

[MaidenMinx]

Oh hun!!! Cyber hugs to you!!

I don't know where to begin with my reply.. I think I'll start with what a jerk! Seriously it is so sad you had to find out he was a selfish piece of crap this way, but now you know. You are not overreacting. You have been through a truly traumatic experience and the fact that you never really wanted the abortion makes it so much worse. Yes, he should have been there for you after the fact.

I too have had a termination. If you ever want to talk about it, PM me.

*HUGS*

[Incognito]

Oh... my... God... I am sorry to say that you should have trusted your instincts. You felt an attachment to the baby, but placed your bet with your boyfriend. He was just a boyfriend. All he was concerned about was saying and doing whatever he needed to in order to achieve his desired result, which was you getting an abortion. As soon as he found out that you actually went through with it he wiped his forehead and though "well, I dodged [that] bullet". I guarantee it.

To answer your question more directly, no, you are not overreacting at all. People's initial reaction contains more truth than their rehearsed responses and actions later on, as seen by his initial selfish comments and later 180 degree change in behavior. You might keep that in mind if this ever happens again.

[Wakeup]

Well, I'm sorry that all this has happened and your feeling so depressed. If that clinic you went to offers counceling for depression after the fact I'd take them up on it. If it doesn't then at least see your framily Physician to get a referal for the support that you need right now. They'll also councel you on proper birth control methods because obviously what you were doing didn't work for you.

For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing considering your circumstances. I don't believe that the world needs another single mother raising a baby who's shiftless little boy of a father wants nothing to do with.

He's a child, my dear and I know you can't see it right now but you're far better off without him then you ever would be with him. He makes me wanna puke actually and It would be a good thing if you could get to that stage about him as well. Once you're over him and the disappointment of him not being who you thought he was, you'll have nothing to keep him mired in your life ~ thats a good thing believe it or not.

Where's your parents at a time like this? You could certainly use some loving support along with that clinical suppport I hope you look into and take part in.

[misombra]

Leave him alone.

[the_last_jedi]

It's completely obvious for me that he is incredibly selfish and unsympathetic. He doesn't love you at all, it is imposible for me to think about loving a girl and leaving her alone in a situation like that.