Needing him to tell his ex...

[misombra]

his family and his daughter should not have to suffer for his fooling around. yes she will eventually know about you but why does she have to know while he is far away and can't do anything about it if the woman decides to freak out? he won't lose custody but a judge cannot control a mothers actions. the only thing he would be able to do if she decides not to let him see his child is file a motion in court and hold another hearing, it will go on and on. it sounds to me like you truly haven't gotten over his cheating, you say you do, but i know how difficult it is and how impossible is it to forget. i was cheated on once and i never got over, never. i wanted to, but it's always there like a ghost. i think if you truly trusted him you wouldn't demand this of him in the first place. i don't know particulars and i don't know you personally but i speak objectively and out of personal experience and i hope you don't take offence, i'm truly trying to extend my help to you, but it's his decision and if he decides not do it then you'll either have to do it yourself or leave him if it bothers you that much. like i said before, you cannot control what he does. this is his thing and i'm sure he's suffering over it. sometimes you cannot punish a person, sometimes you just have to sit back and watch others do what they're gonna do. i believe you're trying to control a situation that you just can't. and the more the try the more frustrating it is for you. let it go. his cheating wasn't your fault. it isn't your responsibility to punish him for this. her knowing about you isn't going to prove anything and it's not going to be beneficial.

[al407]

Well...I reallly do appreciate all of your obvious careful thought into this. Unfortunately, it kind of puts me back right where I started. If you have ever had something that literally eats away at you, and I am sure you have (as a fellow human), you know the "just get over it" theory never happens. Ok...if I need to "let it go", how? How can I do that? That is going to be the most important thing I learn from all of this...the HOW to move on. When he and I are NOT discussing this topic, we are in very friendly loving exchanges. I can't help but feel like I am faking some that now when I have this issue PRESSING on my heart so hard. Sometimes, I feel like I am crawling out of my skin I get so upset...but that happy face continues. I kind of feel more at a loss now then I did ever before. Although he and I do talk everyday (ususally several times), I have decided for now to keep my IM "available" sign down and my phone on voicemail until I can figure out a way to talk with him wihtout faking a happy-go-lucky feel that is not real. I love him...I am IN love with him... just need to focus on that, but that has not stopped this major red flag waiving in my face so far. Thoughts? What would you do, honestly? Please put yourself in my shoes (as best you can) and try to look at this subjectively, if possible. I have played the role of the objective one many times...and the adivce I give, I know would be very difficult (too difficult sometimes) if I were in their shoes. And, again, many thanks for your input so far.

[misombra]

honestly, hard as it is, you have to respect and trust his decision. if it were me i wouldn't be able to handle it at all. if a man cheated on me i simply would not be able to trust him. i wouldn't be able to believe that he wasn't telling her because of custody issues or drama, i would think he's still wants a door open with her. subjectively i think this is what you are feeling, conflicting with the thoughts of wanting to trust him and loving him. but if you want to trust him again then you have to give him a chance to prove that he is trustworthy. december is a long time away but it's rational if he wants to wait for reasons that have to do with his family or his daughter to tell her so that he can be present if anything were to happen. nothing is rational or easy in relationships and i can't give you the perfect cure. this is the stuff of relationships, betrayal, broken trust, etc. it either makes you stronger or ruins everything. i'm not saying let your feelings go, i'm saying there's really nothing you can do about it. you can tell him how you feel and/or you can leave him. tell him how you feel, if he loves you he'll listen and do his best at making you feel secure.

[al407]

All I know to do right now, is create some space from him. If anything I need to have my focus on other more possitive things. I don't know how long that will last (because I am head over heals for him), but...I have to do something other than crawl in and out of my skin constantly having this red flag in my face. It's not fair...and I am just pissed off (along with a little hurt, to say the least).

[al407]

Update... Okay, so space was not what I needed. What can I say? I am in love with the man. He has recently spoken with his ex-wife and told her about me. I wish it had been because he had made the effort, but she called him. Whatever. It's out there, and I do feel better now that she knows. Still hasn't told his ex-girlfriend yet. So...what I did was put my plea to discuss how we are going to move forward with this trust rebuilding process in an email to him. I told him to think about it and that we could discuss it when it is convenient for him. I simply asked that we talk about what we are both needing from each other in rebuilding the lost trust, what needs will be addressed and which ones will not, and, most importantly, how we are going to deal with the ones he (or I) cannot address for whatever reason. I told him it is not about dragging him through the mud, just moving forward and focussing on the positives (because there are too many of those to ignore). So...the email was sent. We have since talked, but it wasn't brought up...so we'll see how he does or doesn't respond.

[misombra]

hey that sounds good. he didn't make the call but he did make an effort to tell her, something that must have been pretty hard for him. and now it's out there, he knows that the trust issue is something that needs to be addressed and he cannot ignore it. if he cares, he'll follow along. and i'm glad to hear that you're feeling a little better. keep me informed...

[al407]

Ok, it's been almost a week and he has said NOTHING about the email I sent him (I'll copy it below if you care to scan through it quickly and share your thoughts). We have spoken everyday. He has called me and we have had nice, normal conversations. After about three days I called him back after talking one night. I told him we didn't need to talk about it now, but I just wanted to confirm he got that he got the email and see if he was planning on talking about it. He just responded yes...nothing else...no word since. Thoughts?

email to him:

Hey baby,

Hope you had a good night sleep...sweet dreams and all. Hey, listen... I will wait
until you have time or whenever you can talk about this to discuss further, but
we are going to need to talk more about how we are going to move forward with all
this whole mess (that I KNOW we WILL get past...we're just not there, yet). I have
communicated my ongoing thoughts, while you have listened respectfully. Thank you.
However, it kind of feels that I have put a lot out there and then we drop it.
We need to talk about where WE are with all of it...both of us. Since several preferences
have been made clear on what things need to happen in order to create the best foundation
for this trust-rebuilding process (from my end at least), we need to talk about
what is actually going to happen, what isn't going to happen and how to actually
deal with that...because if we don't and questions go unanswered or linger... unnecessary
resentment is going to build. I really don't think it is necessary for it to go
that way. I want to drop this...BELIEVE ME! Please give me time. Please work
with me a little more on some reassurances that I am just going to need from you.
Please. Know that I know you feel bad about it all. I KNOW you don't need to deal
with this with where you are and what you are already dealing with. But know you
just being there is hard enough for me to deal with...much less this stuff, too.

I REALLY do trust your intentions. But that's what they are...intentions. We need
to really be up front with each other in the least confrontational way possible
to figure out together how we are going to move past this. I am sorry for raising
my voice earlier, but that's because I have built up frustration with absolutely
no outlet. Who else can I talk to? I hate burdening you with this...if it is that
big of a burden, though...then we need to deal with that.

I am finding myself in two very distinct places or perspectives with you. On one
hand I am hurt, sad, angry, vulnerable, not sure what I can trust and what I can't.
On the other hand I am blissfully, head over heals in love with you...could not
be happier and SO grateful to have you in my life. I want to focus on the good
one, obviously. So we need to allow times to just talk about the harder stuff
(that goes for you, too)...get any questions out of the way or deal with the challenges
that present themselves in a way where we can move on a lot quicker...and not drag
this crap out any more than necessary. If we can't come up with a solution at the
time...we need to make a point to think about it and figure out a distinct plan.
"We'll work it out" indefinitely just doesn't do the trick. We need to
ACTUALLY work it out.

I love you, baby...more than you will ever, ever know. Obviously, I find this to
be a relationship worth working through crap of even this magnitude. I promise
not to dwell unnecessarily...but my wounds, for lack of a better way of putting
it, are very real and need your care, your love and your understanding more than
anything. It is not at all about dragging you through the mud. It's about moving
forward. So do with this what you will. Think about it. I will do my best be respectful
and not distract you more than I already have. I do feel terrible and apologize
that I already have so much. Again, my love for you is stronger than any other
other feeling I have. I hope you know and feel that.

Much adoring and truly unconditional love,

Me