What is with this guy? Has he lost interest and should I move on?

[gizmo85]

Hi guys...

I know that there are probably a ton of other threads pertaining to this particular subject...But I guess I just want to get my head on straight about this one guy that I have been dating. I haven't been in the dating game that long -- I've gotten out of a LTR roughly about 8-9 months ago...and I'm in need of a refresher and I think that it would be great to get a guys' perspective on the issue.

I'm a 27 year old female...

Anyhow.. I met this guy (34) on an online dating site aimed at culture/music/hipster/whatevers living in my city. He and I begun a rather casual correspondence with short emails here and there over a week or two period. Since the both of us were rather new to the online dating scene, he suggested that we add each other on FB. Soon after, we started sending short IMs to each other during a short period...and then wound up exchanging phone numbers days later. After a couple of chats/text and a bit of nudging on my part, we finally went out on our first date and everything went surprisingly well. It is not that often that you meet someone right off the back and nearly have a 6 hour long straight conversation with them. He even suggested extending the date longer so that we could spend more time together.

There was obviously allllllooooot of chemistry between us-- and we made plans to make another date. In between that time, we kept intense contact with each other...and were really keen on getting to know each other. Second date came around. It went well obviously... But we wound up being intimate. It was very sensual and intense and we were both amazed at what happened. He was very affectionate afterwards and expressed that he was happy that he and I had met.

It's now roughly a month into us dating and things had seemed to be on the up and up. We were still communicating with each other a lot ( texts/calls everyday), we spent a lot of time together. I even at one point was introduced to his friends (he has even met one of mine) and hung out with them for a while. We are still being intimate...but we are balancing out everything by making a conscious effort to get to know one another. He was extreamly affectionate towards me..especially with PDA...and on our last date hinted that I may just in fact be his "girl"... so I am thinking that our relationship may be headed in a certain direction. We hadn't had the exclusivity talk yet...but I had thought that was where it was heading based on the time that we were spending with each other...the contact....and the fact that we were in the beginning processes of even hanging out with each other in the company of our friends.

But in the back of my mind, I am unsure if he is dating other people or not.


As of a week ago, I've noticed that the texts/calls and us actually making plans to see each other have begun to dwindle off a bit.

Last week, there was constant texting back and forth (mainly initiated by him but I kept it up) to see how each other were doing through out the days. We finally met for a date on last Thursday...spent a lot of time together that day...and I spent the night.

This week, I have barely heard a peep from him. We texted each other on Sunday or Monday...Hadn't heard from him from the rest of the week. I was really stressed out with work, a close family friend had just had a heart attack on tues...and I wound up having to go to the hospital due to serious fainting spell at work (blame it on me being extremely worried and stressed). So I didn't contact him...but I had mentioned (through a status) that I had been having it rough that week on FB -- and he never commented or reached out. Yet he commented on his other friends statuses.

I noticed as well that he is active on the dating site where we met. I can't tell if he is meeting other girls (although he has added two on his personal FB page)...but the dating site is somewhat similarly structured like FB where users can leave statuses to the rest of the community. He isn't leaving any statuses that are suggestive...more on the lines of "Oh I'm bored....at least I have some great music to listen to." or " I'm djing at XXXXXX tonight! Everyone is welcome to stop by ". But I'm like if he has been showing some interest in me, why would he have the need to keep going on the Dating site?

Anyhoo, he contacted me on friday to see how I was doing and if I was free (but didn't hint that he wanted to see me)....and to tell me that he had a djing gig at a favorite venue that evening. He didn't ask me to come or anything so I didn't want to show up without him mentioning that he wanted me to. I wanted to but at the same time I am all for giving the other person their space to do their own thing. Saturday, I texted him to see if he wanted to spend time together and I still haven't heard back from him. I'm not the type of girl that stands by her phone literally WAITING or DEMANDING that someone responds back to me immediately. I have a life too and can't respond to every text. But, I thought that it was pretty shoddy that even though he may have been busy, he could have at least said "Sorry...I'm busy" or on the lines of that. He has done it in the past, so I don't understand what stopped him now.

I think that I am noticing a pattern emerging. Should I back off again and not contact him...perhaps even risk sending him the message that I am not interested anymore. Has he lost interest (even though lately he has initiated some contact with me)? It's been a week since we last saw each other. What gives? He's on his last week of vacation...with a start on monday and I know that there might be an even more chance that we may not be able to see each other (since he is starting work at another company).

I am never usually like this when it comes to men...but I honestly thought that I saw something with this guy-- along with the signals he was giving me. I would like to continue seeing him but I don't want to get too emotionally involved if it is just a 'casual' thing for him and he is dating other people. What should I do?

[Wakeup]

We hadn't had the exclusivity talk yet...but I had thought that was where it was heading based on the time that we were spending with each other...the contact....and the fact that we were in the beginning processes of even hanging out with each other in the company of our friends.

But in the back of my mind, I am unsure if he is dating other people or not.

I'm not a guy but I'm going to answer anyway because there are only a couple of guys that I can think of on this site that would own up to admitting that they'll keep screwing you and NOT be exclusive as long as you're not demanding it of yourself.

I would suggest that if you're going to keep online dating that you iron out whether or not you're going to become exclusive either before you become intimate or immediately after the post-coital glow has diminished.

You're a grown women, you can choose to be intimate the first second third or 100th date... it's up to you. Just don't expect that having sex with a guy will garner you a relationship with him.

Now.. as far as whats going on goes: I think you should ask him out (you've been doing each other long enough that you should feel free to do some initiating. I also suggest that in the future if you want to do something (like go to a dj-ing gig he has mentioned he'll be doing that you ask if it would be cool if you went or would he rather you just let him do his thing without distraction. Being open and honest with what you want is the only way you'll either get what you want or find out just how much you are valued. Anyway, ask him out to dinner or some other thing that you've discovered you both like to do and then have your exclusive talk and ask him what his thoughts on closing his online profile are. DON'T be afraid of his answer because if it's not what you want to hear, well then it's best you find out now that he just wants you as a casual sex partner so that you can make an informed decision on whether or not you want to settle to be one of many.

It seems that you have to know what you want and you have to NOT be afraid to let go of someone that isn't on the same page as you or you will be an emotional wreck in no time at all when it comes to online "connections."

Let us know how you make out when you get the girl balls to do what you have to do to figure this out.

[Sixpacj]

I'm not a guy but I'm going to answer anyway because there are only a couple of guys that I can think of on this site that would own up to admitting that they'll keep screwing you and NOT be exclusive as long as you're not demanding it of yourself.

.

And you reckon this makes you an authority on male emotional setup? .. ;-) like... it makes you a male? hahahahaha

[gizmo85]

I'm not a guy but I'm going to answer anyway because there are only a couple of guys that I can think of on this site that would own up to admitting that they'll keep screwing you and NOT be exclusive as long as you're not demanding it of yourself.

I would suggest that if you're going to keep online dating that you iron out whether or not you're going to become exclusive either before you become intimate or immediately after the post-coital glow has diminished.

You're a grown women, you can choose to be intimate the first second third or 100th date... it's up to you. Just don't expect that having sex with a guy will garner you a relationship with him.

Now.. as far as whats going on goes: I think you should ask him out (you've been doing each other long enough that you should feel free to do some initiating. I also suggest that in the future if you want to do something (like go to a dj-ing gig he has mentioned he'll be doing that you ask if it would be cool if you went or would he rather you just let him do his thing without distraction. Being open and honest with what you want is the only way you'll either get what you want or find out just how much you are valued. Anyway, ask him out to dinner or some other thing that you've discovered you both like to do and then have your exclusive talk and ask him what his thoughts on closing his online profile are. DON'T be afraid of his answer because if it's not what you want to hear, well then it's best you find out now that he just wants you as a casual sex partner so that you can make an informed decision on whether or not you want to settle to be one of many.

It seems that you have to know what you want and you have to NOT be afraid to let go of someone that isn't on the same page as you or you will be an emotional wreck in no time at all when it comes to online "connections."

Let us know how you make out when you get the girl balls to do what you have to do to figure this out.

Thanks for the advice. I know that I have the right to decide when I should be intimate with someone whom I'm dating. It was something that we both wanted and I have absolutely no regrets that it happen so early on in us getting to know each other- and the time afterwards. Im also well aware in that intimacy does not equal a 'relationship' in most cases. In fact upon having the initial contact with him I wasn't expecting anything to happen. But after actually meeting each other -- having a strong connection--a lot of chemistry--things in common etc...and spending even more time with him -- I'm even more keen on seeing him exclusively and seeing if there is anything more there for us.

My only deal is his recient behavior with being distant-- us not spending any time together as of late and the recient activity on the dating site. I actually have been showing initiative by inviting him on dates (with success). I have been meaning to have the 'talk' with him. But I hear so many stories about letting the guy ring it up to avoid scaring him away. I had even contacted him yesterday to see if he wanted to do something together ( so that maybe I could talk to him about dating exclusively) BUT HE HAS NOT RESPONDED. So now at this point should I wait for him to contact me? My main concern was that maybe some folks can help be figure out his behavior...if he is showing some red flags by not getting back to me in a day...and or how I should go about having a smooth 'exclusive' talk with him.

I know what I want and that's to pursue whatever is going on between us. I like him. I am not at all afraid of what his answer would be. I just want all of our cards on the table. So that if he wants to keep things casual I won't get emotionally involved. If he feels the same way about me as I do him...well that's even better.

[Wakeup]

My main concern was that maybe some folks can help be figure out his behavior...if he is showing some red flags by not getting back to me in a day...and or how I should go about having a smooth 'exclusive' talk with him.

Well, only he can tell you what's going on. He could be just backing off because things were getting to involved when he only want to remain casual. Since you haven't discussed being exclusive after being intimate then it's not a red flag because you've gone along with it being non-exclusive and, he could very well be priming someone new from the site at the moment. It could be a red flag indicating that he's backing off of the union all together or it could just be he's currently pursuing someone else and will get back to you in a while.

I know what I want and that's to pursue whatever is going on between us. I like him. I am not at all afraid of what his answer would be. I just want all of our cards on the table. So that if he wants to keep things casual I won't get emotionally involved.

Too late, you already are emotionally involved. If you were'nt you'd not care if he was actively pursuing you or not, you'd just date others as well and hook up with him when it was mutually convenient for the two of you. You've text him now it's his turn to respond. No?

If he feels the same way about me as I do him...well that's even better.

I'm thinking if he felt the same way about you as you do him then he'd be keen to reply to you in a timely manner and would welcome your invites.

How long has it been since you last text him without a response? Maybe he's just busy (doesn't take much to tell you that and he'll get back to you shortly though) and he's already responded at the time of this post?? I'd get it out there though because you deserve to know if you're settling or, you're actually on the road to exclusivity and getting the relationship you want.

Good luck.

[gizmo85]

Yeah... All valid points that could be the causes of him not responding and being somewhat distant this past week.

I just don't understand why he-, if it was strictly a casual/hookup deal would:

- introduce me to his best friends (including their perspective girlfriends)...was willing to meet and has even met some folks in my social circle
- text me/call nearly everyday (even at work/while out with his buddies or fam) to check in and see how I was doing
- Express that he really likes me
- Show significant amounts of PDA towards me (hand holding, embracing, kissing/snuggling/whatever) throughout the city and including his neighborhood if it again was strictly casual?
- Express that you enjoy seeing each other. That you're happy that we met. Encourage me to keep the communication up as he likes getting calls/texts from me. That he misses me. That he wants to see me...blah blah blah.
- Go out on 2-3 dates a week for the past month... With the exception of 1 date last week when he was spending time with friends/fam from out of town.

Maybe I am looking too much into it. I dunno. It's just that I usually pay a lot of regard to folks actions these days. I have been in casual situation before-- and neither I or the other party went to the lines of involving each other in our personal lives. Meeting each other's perspective friends-, especially best friends was a definite no no....communicating with each other everyday (as apposed to just when we wanted to hookup) was another no-go.....and being affectionate towards each other especially in front of friends...our perspective hoods' and around town (in risk that we would run into people we know and folks would start asking questions) was simply out of the question.

I see now that I am starting to be emotionally involved ( or at least now even more so) hence why after us not really talking to each other/seen each other this week I want to clear the air as to where we stand. Especially with the previous signals that he gave me. I guess what I meant earlier is that I would stop myself from allowing my feelings to develop further. Of course it would sting a bit if things were in fact just casual on his end. I hope it is not, but like you mentioned before, if it is in fact that way...then I would go on and date others as well and only hook up when it is convenient for the two of us.

I believe that this is the first time where I have texted him and he has not responded. When it comes to texting back, he usually responds reasonably (minutes or even hours between) but it was usually the same day. Not this pattern of me texting him on an early Saturday afternoon - he doesn't respond at all. Sunday rolls by- he doesn't respond. It is now Monday morning. Maybe he's busy, I had forgotten that one of his best friends is in town and it is completely understandable that he wants to hang with them. They live in different cities and its not often that they see each other...but that still hadn't prevented him in the past to respond to let me know that he has other plans, if he's busy at the moment, or even with him checking up on with me (without any asking or encouragement from my end).

All I stated in my last text was on the lines of : " Hi you...Hope that the gig went well last night. Are you free today? I'd really like to see you! xoxo". So I'm not getting it. Maybe he backed off because of me being MIA for the most part of last week ( due to a family friend having a heart attack, being overworked and stressed and even experiencing a hospital scare myself) and thought that perhaps I was not interested anymore. I haven't told him what happened...so maybe he is in the same predicament as me and wondering what's going on. Ugh. I dunno. I'm just speculating at this point and until I hear from him...it's all that I can do.

I believe that he has started work again from vacay today. It is at another firm and I suppose he should be busy with that. I'll give him some more space and if I don't hear anything by Tues/Wed, I'll drop him a casual line again to see how he is and if he wants to meet up. If he wants to I'll take the talk up with him then...if not, well I would have gotten the answer that I needed.

I'll be back with some details once it unfolds.

[haxan]

From a guy's pov, sometimes there's some initial chemistry and for whatever reason, something derails it. Sometimes it can be something that's small, and maybe only important to us (that no one else would even notice). In other words, it could have been anything, but obviously he changed gears pretty quickly.

I doubt he thinks it's you losing interest, since it was him who didn't respond back for a few days to your texts. He's obviously looking around on the dating site and probably has been on a few dates that you don't know about. You have to take it for what it is; something started off hot and cooled off. He's looking around and being distant, I'd suggest you do the same.

[gizmo85]

Ughhhh. This is so frustrating! I have gotten so far...

1. Take charge and tell him how I feel (at least everything will be in the open and I can finally get the answer if it is going anywhere or not).
2. Distance myself even more than I have done already ( I hadn't up until Friday contacted him-- when he had sent me a text wondering how I was). Maybe he then would think that I'm def not interested.
3. Forget about him being on the dating site. He may have in the beginning when we met kept his options open; but any guy who is playing the field does not want the girl he is not too interested in to meet his friends. Especially all of the attentions/dates/whatever. Contact him again. Something has probably happened on his end.
4. He's lost interest. Distance yourself.
5. He's probably upset that I didn't go to his gig. Contact him again.

Are there any other males out there with any more perspectives on what I should do?

[Wakeup]

Ughhhh. This is so frustrating! I have gotten so far...

1. Take charge and tell him how I feel (at least everything will be in the open and I can finally get the answer if it is going anywhere or not).
2. Distance myself even more than I have done already ( I hadn't up until Friday contacted him-- when he had sent me a text wondering how I was). Maybe he then would think that I'm def not interested.
3. Forget about him being on the dating site. He may have in the beginning when we met kept his options open; but any guy who is playing the field does not want the girl he is not too interested in to meet his friends. Especially all of the attentions/dates/whatever. Contact him again. Something has probably happened on his end.
4. He's lost interest. Distance yourself.
5. He's probably upset that I didn't go to his gig. Contact him again.

Are there any other males out there with any more perspectives on what I should do?

Good lord! Why on earth are you putting so much thought into this loser? He's obviously not spinning things around in his head like you are in yours.

Worth repeating:

From a guy's pov, sometimes there's some initial chemistry and for whatever reason, something derails it. Sometimes it can be something that's small, and maybe only important to us (that no one else would even notice). In other words, it could have been anything, but obviously he changed gears pretty quickly.

I doubt he thinks it's you losing interest, since it was him who didn't respond back for a few days to your texts. He's obviously looking around on the dating site and probably has been on a few dates that you don't know about. You have to take it for what it is; something started off hot and cooled off. He's looking around and being distant, I'd suggest you do the same.