Advice and perspectives, please?

[seren]

My husband walked out [out of the blue] last September. Our son was 1. We'd had a hard time conceiving him [7 years trying naturally and then IVF] and when he was born up until he was approx 11 months, he had bowel dysfunction, colic and reflux and didn't know what 'sleep' was for more than 1.5hrs at a time. He screamed/cried a lot in pain and tiredness and wouldn't travel very far in the car, on the bus.. wouldn't even go in his pram half the time. It was tough, let's just say that and with my husband self employed, he couldn't say no to the work and he was offered some new contracts when our son was about 5/6 months old and his workload increased 2 fold. Anyway.. this day came and he seemingly just 'snapped'. Said he didn't want to live this way anymore, that he felt unwanted, invisible and that we would be fine without him. I had post natal depression - I never told him this as I could see how much he was struggling with his work/shifts etc and I even tried to hide it. Seems I did too good a job, because he was gobsmacked when I told him about 3 months after he left.

Around that 3 month mark, I found out he was seeing someone [he'd been seeing her since about 6 weeks after leaving - he lived with his parents for that time and my mother in law said he would literally go to work and come home, barely went out, so I don't think it started until that 6 week mark] Within 6/7 weeks of me findig out, he moved in with her. They still live together 2 streets away. I was devasted when he left.. we tried so long and so hard for our baby and I loved and worshipped my family more than anything on this earth. I still do. Problem is, he didn't believe me. I tried all ways to get him to understand things were not the way he thought they were, that he got it wrong, but he said he couldn't believe me.. that I was hurting only because I was lonely - not because of 'him leaving' - and that I would be fine soon enough and move on. At about 5 months after he left, I asked him to come back. He said he couldn't, that it wouldn't work, that he wasn't the man he used to be [he very quickly in fact gained weight, let his hair grow, changed the way he dresses, gained facial hair.. just seemed as though he stopped caring about his appearance/himself.. he's also a lot more angry than he ever used to be.. it's as though he's had a kind if 'mini breakdown'] and that he was sorry for everything. He also said he was filled with guilt and fear and heartache because he never 'wanted' to leave us in the first place, but believed it was what I wanted. This broke me completely when he said no. 'Devastated' doesn't even come close to how I felt then and still do, although I am getting stronger.. don't cry myself to sleep every night anymore and I don't watch him and 'her' in my head etc, although all the things I share with my son [he's 2 now] that my husband misses out on, cripples me on a daily basis. He still has to come and take his stuff, too.. he only took some clothes, everything else is still here and he hasn't changed his address with anyone and his business is still registered at this address.

We slept together many times over the past year [stopped now.. I realised I was being a total fool to myself] The last time we did, I told him I couldn't anymore.. that I was still making love to my husband while he was just 'having sex'. He denied that and said he was also making love to his wife. [He still tries it on with me even now and it's all just bizzare because he has a 'thing' with infidelity - he hates it - he was never unfaithful to me and always scorned men/women who do it.. but he's been doing it to 'her' with me, so..?? Just not 'him' at all] He often tells me he misses us terribly, that he's sorry for everything.. but that he hurt badly and never wants to be hurt like that again and so won't let his walls down/trust me. He also keeps telling me he is a 'mess and doesn't know what he's doing'. He says 'she' is a lovely person and that he feels safe with her, but he doesn't know if he feels anything more for her. He still maintains that he is not the man he used to be [and to an extent, he isn't.. but I still catch many glimpses of the man he was when I'm with him, which is often as he sees our son twice a week] Yesterday, he txt me to ask some personal details. I asked what for and he said he was 'filling in some forms'. I asked if they were divorce forms and he replied 'Are you in a hurry, then?' [I've asked him to divorce me asap so that I don't have to face all of these memories dragged up a year or two in the future when I would have healed, but he's not done it - it's at minimum cost because we've agreed everything.. neither of us will be contesting anything, so why he won't I don't know] Anyway, I replied saying that I'm not the one who wants nor needs one.. but that he is/does and so could he just get on with it. He ignored me and replied that he was renewing his life insurance with a new company and kept me as the main beneficiary. Why would he do that?? He said it would all come to me and our son. I said about 'her' and her son and how it's ridiculous of him to have me as the main person, but he insisted and didn't want to discuss it any further.

I see him in total 8 times a week with collecting our son/dropping him off and creche etc. I've asked him to keep strict contact between us as only for our son's sake and not for him here at my home, but he always 'hangs about' and starts conversations, telling me about work and his physio on his shoulder and about new music he's been listening to. As soon as I make the move to cut that kind of contact and remind him he left us and he chose another woman and her family over us and now I am trying my best to move on, he gets defensive and says it isn't like that at all and he then txts me randon nonsense and sends me music videos when I don't contact him for a few days [I only ever contact him re our son.. I used to send heartfelt emails explaining things/myself for months, but I've stopped that, too] I just want your perpectives on what the hell is going on in his head??

[Cerby]

I remember when you posted a couple months back, but I didn't comment on the thread as everyone else hit it on the head.

Now I think you need to think a different way. Right now you're in Limbo, not together, but not apart. I think you should file for divorce, make him see that now he is going to lose you for good. Is he supporting you? If not, sue him for back child support for the last year as well. Give him a nice legal smack in the face, see if that changes his tune.

[seren]

Thanks for replying, Cerby.
You know I actually forgot I already posted here.. head is such a mess. I've thought about filing, but don't seem to be able to muster the courage. Then again, it seems inevitable and I'm waiting for him to do it when maybe I would feel more in 'control' of things if I did it myself? I just never, ever thought I'd be in this position. I think I'm still in shock to be honest. And yes he supports us by paying the mortgage and creche fees for our son, helps out with bills etc too when I need him to.

[seren]

*bump* I'm hoping people will come along and give me some advice on whether I should walk away and close the door or not? And any ideas on what might be going on in his head?
Thanks Xx