Give Advice, Don't Judge

[raza86]

Hello this is my first time posting something online, so I need your advice, suggestions and support. I really don't need to hear I deserve it, because I know I do. Well my problem is an emotional relationship with my ex. I cheated (not physically) but I talked to other women. Our relationship lasted 5 years and we have known for about 8 years. We went to college and graduated together. When I say physically, it literally means that...I did not touched, kissed or had sex with someone. I met someone at the mall, she gave me her number and I never called her(seriously). My ex found out and she does not trust me. She thinks I had another relationship while I was with her. Anyways, long story short. She left me, I tried everything possible to get her back, flowers, love letters, surprises in her car, anything, things that I knew she would melt and i am not talking about material things, but small details that she loved. Well it worked for some time, but she decided to leave. She told me to respect her decision and not seek her anymore, my all the pain in my heart I did, and I am still respecting that. I know she has gone out on dates and breaks my heart. So I stopped talking to her, texting her and all communication. When this goes for a week, 2 or 3. She texts me, asking "If this is the end?" or similar things, and she plans a seed of hope in me. Then she ignores me again for weeks. This has been going on for about 2-3 months and even though I say I will leave her, I never do, because once she calls me. I am weak and go see her...usually ends up having sex, then again she ignores me. Why? I know i destroyed our relationship and I accepted that, but why she contacts me again after a while reopening my feelings for her. Any advice, suggestions...please don't judge i am a cheater I know just help out here. I have nobody to talk to.

[basilandthyme]

raza, I'm struggling to see how you destroyed the relationship. Talking to other women is hardly a crime - unless you're flirting and being romantic towards them. And yes, people sometimes do give their numbers - and frankly, it's easier to pocket the number and ignore rather than refuse to accept the number.

At any rate, this is now all in your past. The problem is how to deal with your ex. Now, all this behaviour will reach a natural conclusion when one of you finds a new partner. So, you can either go with it or stop it by using your will power. The choice is yours.

[Wakeup]

Why should she bother changing things if she's getting your attention and a sexual release whenever she needs one? You allow her to stagnate you in limbo/part-time loverdom.

Quit the shit and tell her to leave you the hell alone unless she wants to get back with you or, you learn to take what she's giving and then immediately getting up and leaving so you don't bond with her through sex.

Time to stop letting her play you, raza. And, In future if some chick is being ridiculous and stand offish and won't forgive you.. don't buy her gifts. It's the worst thing you can do. If someone is running away from you, you don't chase them because they'll just run further and faster. Stop chasing and give them the time to realize that you're no longer running after them... you wait and see if they come back. By "come back" I mean in the terms and conditions that are what YOU want. Anything less and you're just settling for her crumbs.

[michelle23]

can you explain your cheating in more detail. how many other women did you talk to? did you arrange to meet this girl in a mall? did you ask for her number? were you planning to cheat? did you chat online to women sexually or romantically?

hat exactly did you do to make you a cheater and what were your intentions?

you make it sound like you have done nothing wrong here but i doubt she would react this way if some random girl gave you her number without you asking for it and you didnt plan to call her.. am i missing the point? why didnt you throw the number away assuming it was on a piece of paper? or did you actually put it in your phone?

were you flirting? pretending to be single?

explain if you want my advice

[raza86]

Hey Thanks to all of you.. Well I will try to answer you all...let me know if i miss an answer...Well No i did not plan on cheating or anything. I was just with a friend having some food at the mall...this girl approached me, talked sweat to me and i got her number...I did not ask for it..she wrote it in a paper and gave it to me... I honestly put it in my pocket and i completely forgot about it, until my ex found it...we were having some issues in our relationship tough..I was working a lot...completing my graduate degree and trying to make some time for her...she said i neglected her a lot...but there was nothing i could do. I tried to make time for us...at least a quality hour everyday to be together. There were other issues as well...we have always been very sexually active...i loved making love to her and she loved it too..but at time I was going through some of those phases where I got anxious and nervous and I could not get hard...she took this as if i was cheating...Truth is...I am a very hyperactive guy in public and everywhere...i look everywhere...whoever passes by, or anything...but that does not mean i check girls out...she thought i did too...i explained to her that is just me....i tried so hard to changed that so that she would not feel bad. Well so many issues...besides that..i was honest and opened to her about my former relationships...I never took a girl serious...i cheated before...i opened myself to her and told her that...but with her i never tried or even thought...I even pictured myself marrying this girl. When i said i did nice things for her I meant things i know she loves...nothing material...For instance, I remember once she mentioned she never had a music box when we were watching a movie...so I bought her one...i gave it to her with a small note inside saying "you are the music in my life, never turn it off". I did so many things like this to make her understand the love I still feel for her. So now she just ignores me...and it is fine if she doesn't want anything I totally respect her decisions. But when more than a week passes, she texts me or calls me, it most likely we end up meeting. I have told her many times to stop doing that...i said " If you want to be with me, take me, if not let me know"...she gets mad and starts crying...So i really don't know what to do..For one side I would love to have her, but for other i am getting tired. Thanks for the help..I really appreciated since..honestly I do not have friends..

[michelle23]

Okay if you are telling the truth here now-here is the advice: text her and ask her to meet you for coffee so you can talk. Tell her everything you told us calmly. Tell her how much you love her and that you would never hurt her. Ask her to decide now whether she believes you or not-she either does or she doesn't. Tell her you either go your separate ways today for good and end this because she doesn't trust you or you try to make it work. Tell her you will not be meeting her again in any way unless it is to talk about getting back together and you are not having sex with her anymore unless you are an official couple coz it is hurting you more. Tell her you are willing to save up and do a lie detector test if that is what it takes to prove you haven't done anything.

If you are lieing and did cheat or were planning to then man up and tell her the truth. She deserves your honesty if nothing else. I would assume the same thing in her shoes (distant, working late, gone off sex, finds girls number in his clothes...) Its not looking good

Also with your history-most women would find it difficult to trust you. How many times have you cheated in the past? How many exes are there?

[Wakeup]

Dude... You got the other girls number.. Call it and forget this chick who puts you through shit test after shit test just to use you when it suits her. Shit or get off the pot as the saying goes and stop letting her play you. How can you ever bond as a functional couple with her again? She's now become fk buddy status and the emotional wedge between the two of you, the fact she won't allow herself to become vulnerable to you means that its basically over already. You're too emotionally involved to just get off and then forget about her so quit that immediately.

Play the lets talk about this game again but as long as she has this untrusting wall up for you, you'll never be happy because she's going to torture you with her insecurity about who you are as a person.

I repeat: Time to stop letting her play you, raza

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Tell your ex not to contact you anymore unless she wants to ****. Use those exact words.

Tell her that you actually ****ed the other girl, and she was better in bed. She'll either be crushed and throw a hysterical fit, or she'll want your approval and give you another shot..or both. Have fun messing with her head until she wants you again or leaves you alone.

Also, you are cold bitch for letting it come to this.

[raza86]

Hey Thanks for the feedback...well I have done that already...we met and I told her that..she said no..She said to leave her alone...I did but she always texts and things like that... My former girlfriends are long gone...

[raza86]

Yep man...thanks for your advice as well...even though i still have sincere feelings for her and I know it will be very hard and it is hard...i will do that. It's just i guess the bad thing I have no friends man to distract myself.

[michelle23]

go and find friends.

if i remember correctly you spent 5years with this girl? backup this is not some petty immature attention whore who he dated for a month. telling her he f**ked another girl when he didnt will not do anything to help this situation. it will just break her heart and crush her confidence. you are one asshole if you would do that to a girl you love just to mess with her head..

believe it or not-this girl IS hurting. shes coming back for sex coz shes not ready to let go she loves him BUT she is not sure whether she can trust or believe him. shes confused just like he is

its not black and white

[raza86]

Thanks Michelle23, of course I will never do that to her..or to anybody.. I am not that type of guy. and yes i am trying to go out there...but i just dont think i am ready..I try to be busy and thanks to my job i am. I know i have to have the balls to reject her when she texts or calls...because i cannot take this anymore, see me for two or 3 hours then ignore me..no that is done...it will take time but i am sure i will do it...i just hope she finds a guy who will love her and respect her. Thank you

[HeartIsAching]

Your ex is an insecure attention whore, which amounts to the same thing.

IMNSO you did nothing wrong, your former ****-hole is the one that destroyed your relationship... and now she's using you to get attention whenever she feels like she needs some. She's not hurting, she's using you and messing with your head at the same time.

Wakeup's right - you don't want to get back together with this... person. She'd just hold this over your head for the rest of the time you were together.

I don't suggest doing what backup said, but you SHOULD start actively seeking date-partners. Once you've got one, text your ex back and tell her that you're dating now and you'd like it if she stopped contacting you.

[michelle23]

I still don't think she is an attention whore. She found a girls number in his pocket. She thought back-he has been distant, gone off sex etc and put two and two together and got ten. five years is a long time. It probably turned her whole world upside down.

OP I doubt she will believe you. If I were you I would write a letter explaining the whole situation once more and tell her you will not meet her for sex again. Its all or nothing. She either believes you or she doesn't so either come back and we can work this out together or leave me alone coz I cannot be your f**k buddy.

Give her a week to respond and if she doesn't, you need to accept its over and start healing. Join a few hobbies, make new friends, focus on work or study and start learning to be happy on your own. Until you are happy alone, you will never be happy with anyone else. And when you are lonely or feeling insecure-the problem is you attract the worst types of people so make sure you feel strong and confident and ready before you start dating again

Best of luck to you

[Wakeup]

Hey Thanks for the feedback...well I have done that already...we met and I told her that..she said no..She said to leave her alone...I did but she always texts and things like that... My former girlfriends are long gone...

So what that she always texts. Bloody ignore her. You don't owe her a thing and she plays you like a fiddle. Just stop responding to her and if you haven't the conviction to ignore a stupid twit then block and delete her so that she can't get through to you. Don't let her play you anymore.

You will do much better when you find someone more mature. She acts 15. What makes her an attention whore is she broke up with you but still seeks your attention. People who aren't attention whores break up with you and then don't call you again. She's playing you so stop letting her before she screws up your confidence and self-esteem. Maintain an alpha personna while being a good guy, you don't have to be a bad ass.

Forget her and find someone more grown up and ready.

Best of luck to you.