Boyfriend unenthusiastic about moving in together - Am I wrong to feel insecure?

[basilandthyme]

The commute you mentioned (30 minutes by train) is not really a big deal

Oh, I missed that it was only 30 mins. I was thinking 60 mins. I live 4kms from the city and my trip can be 20mins in peak hour

[michelle23]

This. I notice this with a lot of guys. Living with a female for a man can seem like he is sort of tied down and he wont have the same freedom he has now. Not to say you're going to be pinning him down but there is a difference. Most guys that live without their GFs get used to not answering to anybody and its really not the same when you move in together. And your BF knows this. When a chic and a guy live together, the guy cant stroll in late with no explanation. They want their space and they like having us around but sometimes they just want that space with no issues. Prime example, this guy I know moved out of his GF house, and now he is back to going out and doing as he pleases. That's really what its all about.

Those men are little boys.. All of that is just an excuse coz hes not ready to commit. I mean as long as he is treating her right, not cheating lieing or always putting other people first than what would he have to answer to? Nothing. My bf doesnt need to ask my permission to do anything. I trust him and if he did come home half an hour late I wouldnt even ask where have you been..

[perth]

Thanks everyone. I'm glad to be getting differing points of view.

[perth]

update: lately he seems to have changed his attitude. he says he's happy about it and looking forward to it now. and seems sincere. i'm happy!

[TablesandChairs]

OP, what thing you need to understand is that, from what you have described, you are not being insecure or pushy in the slightest. Six years is a long time and you guys aren't teenagers; it's normal for things to progress, not stay stagnant. Some sacrifices are always made in relationships; people move to different countries to be with loved ones, so moving 20 minutes away is hardly too much to expect. He could have said 'this place will do for now so we can live together, eventually I hope we can move closer to the city" - that would have been okay.

He sounds like a decent enough guy but he needs to prioritize the couple relationship he has entered into - you're not asking for the world. You've also been more than patient, there aren't that many women like you around so he should count himself lucky. All the best; learn to trust yourself - having expectations is not the same as being needy or insecure.

[HDBadger]

Sorry if I missed this, but is there a reason you can't move in with him, aside from the fact that you want him to "sacrifice" for you?

He's being very reasonable about not wanting to move to a place that's less convenient for the same amount of money. And trust me, he's probably not "happy" about the move now if he wasn't before. I wouldn't be either. You're guilting him into making a move that doesn't make sense.

Sounds like your guy is practical and intelligent. You should feel lucky to be with him.

[perth]

TablesandChairs - THANK YOU! It's reassuring to hear that. I really appreciate your comment. And this "having expectations is not the same as being needy or insecure" is good advice.

HDBadger - He has a roommate and the roommate doesn't want to move out. And no, I don't trust you when it comes to knowing whether my boyfriend has sincerely changed his feelings about something or is just putting me on. I think I have a better read on him than you. For example, a few visits ago we were grocery shopping for our dinner, and were talking about the kitchen things we both have and what we might need to get, and he turns to me -- his eyes were shining and he had a beaming smile... and he says how glad he is we're moving in together. Then he turns back forward and keeps walking... I was stunned, and tapped him so he'd turn to me again, and with a big smile of my own told him how happy I was that he was happy, and when I said this his face became even more radiant... then we kissed. It was such a nice moment, and it would take a pretty slick con artist to fake that kind of energy and emotion. There's been other little moments like that. I'm not saying my boyfriend is always 100% honest with me about his feelings (it's a rare person who is 100% of the time), but anytime he's tried to say he's happy about something he's not happy about, it's always obvious if there's not real happiness there.

And there's a difference between laying a guilt trip on and being honest about how you feel. It could also be claimed that he was using a guilt trip to try to make me drop the issue of moving in together now rather than next year. I wouldn't make that claim, but what I'm saying is I'm no more guilty of guilt-tripping than he is. We were just both being honest with each other about things that bothered us.

"You should feel lucky to be with him. "

NOW THAT I do agree with!