Talking to ghosts in my sleep.

[Darkest Heaven]

I will admit the title is a little melodramatic, and intentionally so. This is day 3 after this all happened, and venting out to the public is my final closure before I move on.

I'm 24, she's 22. I've never trusted before, but have been with many. I gave her a shot.


I'm not a drinker, I never have been, never will be. Parties and such upset me, and she was having one for Halloween. I went out on a limb and came, interacted with her friends, and even bought them beer. As somebody who used to be controlling and idiotic about his partners drinking, that is a huge step for me. They have been partying since 8 PM, I didn't get off work until about 10. The agreement was that everybody would have a ride home as both she and I took days off the next day so we could spend the night together at my house. I had to be home by 4 AM, as my mom needed the car to go to work. That's a lot of partying, right?

I got there and joined in. I didn't drink, but I did play "beer pong" (she drank mine) and interacted with her friends. After most everybody found their way home, it was me, her, and two males. And this is where it got... stupid. As, we'll call her ex, so as ex and I were cleaning off the counters so her cats didn't get into stuff, and as she was packing up to go to my house, male B was the designated driver for the other guy. Male B was passed out drunk. Male A said he needed time to sober up.


About an hour and a half later, as male A is waking up, Male B, the one previously passed out.... whips his naked cock out, walks into the kitchen.... and pisses all over the kitchen table before going back to the couch and going to sleep. Male A does nothing in response to ex's "please get your friend". As she cleans his piss with a mop that she rinses off in the sink, she offers male B water. (I mean, he pissed on your table.... wanna give him more ammunition, right?) ...

We're ready to go, but male A is yelling at ex, saying, "you have an alcohol party and now are kicking people out, I don't need another DUI"....

Ex turns to ME and says "leave". I say let's talk outside. With a tear in my eye and a lot of anger... I come out with.... "I trusted you..." I was raising my voice, and she said she was sorry, but out comes male A, slamming the door into me and "ARE YOU YELLING AT EX?!" Keep in mind, this is the same male that was screaming about her having a party with alcohol minutes earlier.

I turn around and walk away. I'm a pretty solid man. I'm in shape. He wasn't. I could have ruined the rest of his life and I have the mental issues and desire to do it, trust. I didn't. I walked away. She has not contacted me since. She blatantly did exactly what brought on the controlling issues I had to begin with. She chose alcohol and friends over me. Directly over me. Keep in mind, the same friends who she didn't trust to stay at her house alone versus me, "the one" for her.

A day before this, we went up to a parking garage (her favorite place) to talk. We talked honesty, we talked relationship, we talked trust.


What have I learned from this? Trust is a freeing feeling. I can honestly say; I did nothing wrong. I really didn't in this situation. That's a good feeling. Before, I always screwed up, because if I break it I can fix it. This is a process that I can't call back and patch up. This was done to me. So after I'm done asking myself why, after I'm done crying and raging, I'll try again. I know what trust is about. It isn't about what happened to me with Ex.... it's about what could have with a much better person than she'll ever be.

[basilandthyme]

How exactly did she choose alcohol over you? Sure, her friends were gross and shouldn't get a return invitation to another party, but how did their behaviour become about you? What should she have done differently?

[K_6]

So many women nowadays partying like crazy, losing all their femininity and self respect. You need to find yourself a girl who doesn't loses her head for a bit of beer, music and company. Forget about this one. You did well, she and her friends were pathetic, they deserve each other.

Reposting: wrong editing

[Darkest Heaven]

What could she have done differently? Seriously? Kick them out instead of me, or, at least talk to me and not dismiss me.

[basilandthyme]

What could she have done differently? Seriously? Kick them out instead of me, or, at least talk to me and not dismiss me.

She couldn't throw them out until one was able to drive.

As far as her throwing you out, I'd like to hear her side of the story. I simply don't believe she'd throw you out if you'd done nothing to upset her. Even if you hadn't said anything, perhaps your attitude was obnoxious. After all, a large percentage of communication is non verbal.

[Darkest Heaven]

Knowing she was coming to spend the night with me, she could have told everybody to bring a ride. She could have driven them home. I could have driven them home. She could have apologized and said she'd see me the next day. As for her side of the story, fair enough. I can't argue that there may be things she feels I did that I don't. But still, with how it ended up, she could have done many things, but she chose this.

[basilandthyme]

Yes, she did choose this. Interesting, isn't it.

The question you must ask yourself is "why?" What did I do to end up unceremoniously dumped without a word? Thing is, people don't just throw a boyfriend or girlfriend out of their house without a reason.

You've given a whole ream of things she could have done differently. But what about you? What could you have done differently?

[Darkest Heaven]

In this situation, nothing.

Like I said up top, and I'll expand on it to give you a better idea of who I am and was. I WAS not trusting, paranoid, controlling and possessive. This was to, in my mind, prevent situations like this from happening. I wasn't like this with her. Keep in mind, and this is important, I've been with her for only one month. I was like this about 3-4 months ago, and before that due to some hardships in life.

She's the first girl in a very long time that I did trust, and this came from me realizing that I can't expect honesty and trust, or a genuine relationship while I myself am essentially hiding behind a wall that projects itself into the real world as controlling, possessive, words like that.

What could I have done different, in this situation? I mean... I could have let her have the party, leave when I needed to, and then just see her the next day? I could have..... helped her clean the piss off the floor? I could have.... I don't know.

Listen, I know what you're thinking. I spent all day yesterday asking myself why, how. I've talked to my closest friends about it. I played the entire night out over and over and over. I didn't do anything wrong last night. Now, previously, we did discuss certain things and there is a lot of bad history as far as her life and drugs/drinking is concerned, though she made it a point to tell me it's fun for her and not a lifestyle now. Not saying she was an alcoholic, but she was a "party girl who settled down because her friends, she realized, weren't really her friends".... now I'm not sure what the hell those people were like if her friends are like this, but ya know.

[basilandthyme]

Going home would probably have been a good call.

My hubby's friends all drink more than I do. I've learned techniques to avoid getting caught up in it all. For instance, if they are having a weekend away, I'll stay home and let him have his fun. If we go to someone's house, we can leave when it all gets too much for me. Or when there's been a wake which will go all night, I'll just leave hubby there and go home. We've just had to compromise with hosting Christmas because his family would stay from noon to midnight which I find exhausting....so he's told them that it's going to end at evening time and they'll need to continue partying elsewhere.

In short, I've found that it's far preferable to either go home early or not attend than stay and be cranky about it having gone on too long. Thing is, even if we don't say that we're cranky, it is pretty obvious from an outsider's perspective.

[Valixy]

My opinion about what happened that night is different. I think that she owes you a big apology. Her friends that she must know what a mess they can create ruined your night and provoked tensions between you two, shouted at you, told you to leave (from her house) and threatened you. And she had nothing to say about that (!) Good thing you were sober and nothing else happened. Without an apology from her and a realisation of how bad you felt at her party in her house because of her dear friends, you shouldn' t contact her. She should at least prove she has some personality when sober if she lost it all when drinking, because you've proved yours.

If partying like that with that kind of people is a very important part of her life, you might want to reflect on how compatible you and your life styles are or work on finding together a way to compromise and stick to it like B&T said.

[Darkest Heaven]

I'm always open to the idea that my attitude and body language was negative. Again, I sincerely don't believe it was, but as it is said others perceive you differently than you perceive yourself.

As for contacting her, no way. She's very pretty and we have a lot of important stuff in common, but in light of what happened, my main reason for even missing her is her looks and the fun stuff we did together. All of that is vanity, and while I know that it doesn't make it better.

It happened Thursday night/ Friday morning, around 4 AM.... it's Sunday now. Even if she didn't know what to say, she could have sent a blank text to let me know she was there. Not to mention run after me when I walked away. She doesn't care. If she does care, that's awesome, but she's not for me.

I don't feel that she can make this up, not that she has any desire to. Moving on is a harder option, but a much more sane one in my opinion, and that's what I'm doing.

[dem862]

Only been with her one month! Run, run and don't look back. You have virtually nothing invested in this. She is a mess and her friends are baggage. You don't need that crap in your life. It is better to be alone than sign up for that kind of drama, even if it only happens occasionally.

[DalM0m]

There are two sides to every story. You kind of knew before the party that you two were not compatiable. Who invites their EX to a party anyway?

I think both of you were wrong to some extent but in the end I think it's better that you two are not together.

[Tug]

Personally, unless Darkest Heaven is leaving something out there was never any closure and the one thing a woman needs is closure. Men are different, we dont need closure we like to know that door is still open even if its to stop over for a quickie. Right or wrong Darkest Heaven cant give in and call her, she made a decision if she regrets it she needs to be the one to come to him. If he calls her he'll come across as being the weaker one and she'll have complete control of the relationship.

Darkest Heaven, your young dude, as time goes on you'll see that women come and go into our lives. Never commit to just one always keep your options open but be honest with the other person. Tell them their your dating other people, whats good for you has to be good for the OP. In my experience women are stronger emotionally so be prepared if she doesnt call you back. In the meantime delete her text messages, remove her number from your cell. If she's a friend on FB block her, the last thing you want to do is check out her FB page and see how she's moved on and while your still in a world of hurt.

[Darkest Heaven]

I have deleted any and all contact information/pictures/etc etc. I am healing rather well. A number of people have discussed this with me over the last few days and today I'm not so much angry or hurt as I am "well, this happened, damnit". Another week or two and I will be alright. I got through the worst parts of it, I'm sure.